Why do a lot of black gays and lesbians feel the need to be the woman or man in a relationship?

Question

First off, I'm not trying to stereotype my own people, but I've noticed that a lot of black gays and lesbians feel the need for one of them to be 'the man' and the other to be 'the woman' in a relationship. Like I said, it's not all black gays but quite a few of them. I am a black lesbian, but am not like this.The two gay couples I know are like this. My cousin who is gay, is feminine and usually dates masculine men. But now he is dating another fem man and says that his boyfriend is the wife and he is the husband. Why can't they both be the husband? The same with my gay friends, They are lesbians, both fem, but think that one of them has to be referred to as a stud in order for them to be considered gay. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with fem-stud relationships,to each it's own, I'm just saying do they understand that they don't have to take on these roles. if they were to do this naturally, it'd be okay. But they do this because they think it's the only way to do it.

To mres, I wasn't saying that I had a problem with it per say.If a fem is naturally attracted to studs and only dates them or if a stud is naturally attracted to fems and only dates them , there's nothing wrong. But then you have two fems or two studs, or two women or men who fall in between and think that one has to be the man and one the woman or someone will take away their gay card. You can have a relationship where both are the man or woman, and that would also be acceptable.

Answer 1

I've questioned this same behaivor in my own relationships. Its really stupid if you ask me. But I guess they feel that they each have to play a role. Its very confusing when the issue is brought up because its like I'm me and your you. Everyone is themselves, no one has to be labeled. I guess its just how the black culture has labeled gay relationships in general. Someone has to be the dominant and the other is not. Its a really stupid idea and a dumb way to think.

Answer 2

Girl, I know more gays/lesbians in those relatoinships than I can shake a stick at, but Ihave to say, I think that the basis comes from the fact that we grow up with the societal pressures of the 'normal' family, mom dad and the kids, We then try to work out who we are and some part of us still has that ideal in the back of the brain, so we try to make it work on our terms. Not saying it is right or wrong, but honestly, I have dated buth men and femme men and my current partner for over 3 years is definately femme, but we go together like coffe and doughnuts.

What we need to see is not how people act, but how they act towards one another. THat is where the true problem is. We spend so much time segregating ourselves that we can't seem to find a way to work togeter to make the world a better place for ourselves. As long as they are with who they are with for the right reasons, then more power to them.

Answer 3

The irony of your question for me; is that I always felt it the opposite. In essence, I've always (9 out of 10) been excepted to be the male in the relationship. This would include supposedly versatile relationships. However, based upon stereotypes, many white gay males, who are attractive to black gay males want that: African Mandingo wild experience. It would appear that anything less, would equate to major disappointment and lost of relationship. Therefore if placed in the position; I would capitulate. Nonetheless, there is another factor to consider. Generally in every relationship, there exist a more pronounce dominant personality. Therefore couple with my above statement; how does one know what's the male role in any same sex attraction?

Answer 4

I think it has a lot to do with ingrained gender roles.
Not meaning to be racially incorrect here, but I've noticed that the Black community has a much harder time being open about homosexuality and so their mindset is very stagnant in the rigidity of gender roles.

I grew up with my father working within the black community in telelvision. So I had a lot of exposure to how that community was very set on gender roles. I think it's probably the same for other ethnic communities as well.
This is evident in the fact that the fastest growing AIDS/HIV infection rates in the US are concentrated in the Black and Hispanic communities. Homosexuality is not something that is openly talked about. In turn, AIDS/HIV education isn't openly talked about either.

I have two sets of black lesbian friends and they both have had this same problem thrust upon them with their straight black friends always asking "who's the guy?" It gets on their nerves, but they know where it's comming from.

Answer 5

This may not answer your question, but in my own relationships as well as my friends' I don't see that distinction -- yet, interestingly enough, many of my friends are either white/Hispanic or white/Asian. I have no black friends, unfortunately, but I do so see a lot of black gay men adhering to either the total macho stereotype or the total fem stereotype (especially the latter -- maybe that's why there are so many black drag queens that I've noticed).

Answer 6

Like it or not people raised in the the U.S. will reflect the prevailing socio/sexual norms they were taught. Gay or not the concept of one man-one woman colors most peoples idea of what a couple is, and many gays, consciously or otherwise, tend to embrace and reflect that stereotype. In my own experience this has nothing to do with race, it is a result of Judeo/Christian influence. Pagan gays are much less likely to display the kind of behavior you describe. Out in California I even knew two hetero couples where she was the man and he was the woman. If it works for the people involved, more power to 'em.

Answer 7

I can't answer your question.. but I do have an opinion. I am a bisexual woman in a relationship with a man. My man is 6'4/280lbs while I'm 5'7/130lbs. The only time I can dominate him is when I have a strap on (he's bi) otherwise, I'm the submissive one. With women, for some reason, I'm more aggressive. I don't consciously become aggressive, I just do it. I find difficulty in being submissive to women. I am not at all attracted to butch women, either. I'm not the most feminine women but enough so where I don't at all come across butch. My sexually personality is like one though.. so I dunno. I can't see myself in a sexual situation any different than the one I described.

Answer 8

I am a WHITE SOUTH AFRICAN, but have noticed that in the more traditional societies here in Africa, the gays and/lesbians tend to pick a role as the male/female in relationship. The people in cities tend to go with flow and not necessarily decide to be husband or wife. In rural areas, people of all colour and races (If they have the courage to come out), pick a role.

Answer 9

the answer to your question well the way i feel about it is....i feel like I'm the man....i feel like i should be the man so i know everything is taking care of..i pay most of the bills i make sure my girl is well taking care of...i feel as if I'm the one that is supporting the stable home for the both of us...its doesn't mean i have more juice then she does...it just means i have more responsibilities then her and i have to step up to the plate and make sure she's well taking care of...maybe your friends and everybody else feels that way too...that question cant actually be answered because nobody knows what goes on in other peoples head or mind...

Answer 10

i have a couple of gay friends that are in a relationship and like my friend heather her and her GF Janell, heather is the "man" and Janell is the fem and in my friend Brett and his BF Russ,Brett is the "man" and Russ is totally the "fem" i think its just human instincts that if you are masculine you want to take care and protect some one weaker and if you are fem then you just want to go more for some one that is masculine that can take care and protect...if that makes sense...