here the deal I was married for 12 years my husband cheated 4 times Im getting married in dec but my youngest daughter who is a daddys girl doesnt like my fiance she says shes uncomfortable with him shes known him for 3 years we were friends before we got together she says hes not like dad but when I question her about my ex husbands new wife who was the one who destroyed are family thats who he had his last affair with my daughter seems to be fine with her I just dont get it I love him and want to marry him but my heart is being tugged because of how my 9 year old daughter feels help please.
2006-09-20 15:59:36 · 16 answers · asked by pamlar 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
live your life.....get married
2006-09-20 16:02:22 · answer #1 · answered by JTB 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
young people can be confused by many things on the surface-- especially when it appears to be 'acceptance' (do they like me --pay attention to me?). .
your daughter might be reacting to the way she feels when she is with her step mother, which is probably a short period of time. There could be manipulation, or extra favors given or purchases made to 'buy' her admiration.
you, however, are probably her primary care-giving parent and have to discipline her and live in reality the majority of the time.
However, the words "is uncomfortable" could be signs that she feels there is some sexual attraction on one or the other's part, and she needs to talk with some one about that!
If you have not talked with your potential new spouse about this, ask him what he thinks about your daughter, and how he feels about being a step father. perhaps he is not giving a positive supportive impression to your daughter. if he's trying to be the 'disciplinarian' that could be a turn-off to your daughter. It is not as easy as just the question of 'getting married' . . .but all the family obligations and relations and conflicts that must be confronted after the wedding that some people are not sure about.
take your time. If the guy is right for you, he will wait.
don't feel pressure to get to the altar.
enjoy getting to know each other, including your daughter and your fiance beginning to trust each other.
trust that if it is right, it will only get better with a little more time.
2006-09-20 16:16:45 · answer #2 · answered by OSCookieDelta 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your 9 year old is uncomfortable with a man you want in her home every day. You need to resolve the child's issues before anything else happens. What is it about the man that makes her uncomfortable? Ex-husband and new wife aside, if your man is truly willing to become husband and father, then he will make sure the child is happy and comfortable with him before he introduces himself into her daily life. Unless she gives an ok, sounds like December is out. You may want to do a little family counseling with your fiance and daughter. Just to make sure you all get off on the right foot.
2006-09-20 16:09:20 · answer #3 · answered by Sunbaby 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get married. Your daughter probably has hopes that you and your ex-husband will get back together and you getting married will be a definite indication that you are not getting back together.
My mom became a widow when I was 8 and I didnt want her to her re-marry/date. If your daughter cant tell you something more than she is uncomfortable with him then I say get married. She will get used to the relationship, I got used to my mother's new husband when she re-married.
Make sure though that this new man in your life isn't "doing" something to make your daughter uncomfortable. Dont marry this guy if he has pedophiliac tendencies or hits your child.
2006-09-21 00:45:12 · answer #4 · answered by dionne m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you are scared to be married, but you have anxieties and they are well-founded.
Your daughter is only 9 and she is anxious about the man who will become your husband and live in your house. It is very important for her to feel comfortable around him before you decide to get married.
It is true that she cannot dictate your life, but she is your child and you need to make her feel comfortable and instead of making her compare between her new step-mother and your soon to be husband, find out the root of her fears.
Help her work her anxieties and only then go ahead and get married.
2006-09-20 16:21:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, grilfriend i feel soo sorry for you i am a mommy of three and not just 3 months ago me and there daddy split up and i had a man friend and i went with and my kids loved him... But thay also loved there daddy! And letts just say i didn't win ! It, has been 18 weeks now and there daddy moved back in. Nothung is any differnet betwen us .and the man friend well let me say this we are still "FRIEND'S" and thats all. I love my childen but at sometime in our lifes we need to do something for us. As hard as it is but from my point of view "Go for it" don;t be the last one in line!!! {you know what i mean } GOOD LUCK CHICK!!!
2006-09-20 16:14:27 · answer #6 · answered by Cissey V 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter probably doesn't understand what role your ex-husbands wife played in the breakup of your marriage... (by the way, the wife's only partly to blame it seems).
But you do need to find out what it is about your fiancee your daughter doesn't like. If she lives with you, she may not like the fact that he's 'butting in', even if she's known him for a while. She probably doesn't get that feeling about your ex's wife.
2006-09-20 16:07:33 · answer #7 · answered by marsminute 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being scared of making such a major life change is very human of you. In the long run, however, you need to do what is right for you. When you are happy that will be a big step toward making your family happy. It would be a mistake to base decisions on your future based upon the whims of a 9 year old. She is a child who is not emotionally equipped to understand adult love in all its nuances.
2006-09-20 16:03:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand you not wanting your child to be upset or uncomfortable-if your husband left then in most cases the child looks for validation from the parent that left-I went thru that with my father. Its usually different with moms-being that no one seems good enough for them according to us. Talk to your daughter-let her know that she always comes first and that this change in your life doesn't mean that she will be left out. She'll come around-I did
2006-09-20 16:09:45 · answer #9 · answered by Pretty 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being scared to get married is not crazy with the divorce rate being what it is. But, if you love this man then you need to talk to your daughter and explain that you need to have a life too. I think she will get used to him. Maybe she has just gotten used to her stepmother.
2006-09-20 16:03:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
my sister talks to me about psycholigy because it's what she understands, and she was talking about how when you come from a family where your parents get divorced then the likelly hood of you geting a divorce is very good, so you might be setting yourself up with another guy that is gonna leave you, and your daughter may see it, but since it's in the back of your mind your drawn to it but don't know. just start being more aware of things he does, but don't get paronnoid, your daughter might just be in denial.
2006-09-20 16:09:41 · answer #11 · answered by SaLeMiZmE 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋