I once had a friend in a similar relationship. What she finally noticed is that she and her boyfriend followed a pattern - he'd get mad (the reason he was mad was always different - that's why it took her so long to figure out the pattern, but at some point, he'd get mad about something), he'd get physical, he'd be sorry, things would be okay for a while, then he'd get mad...
Here's the thing - you have ample reason to believe your boyfriend will do it again, and so far, little reason to believe he'll change. Your first concern has to be the welfare of your child, who is watching all that you do and learning about how people treat each other, should treat each other, and how they take care of themselves (or don't). What you do weighs more than what you say.
If what you show him is you, sitting there, saying "THIS time will be different... no, THIS time will be....," then that's what you're teaching your son.
Maybe your boyfriend will change - but probably not until it's easier to change than to deal with not changing. If he's sincere, he'll be more interested in your welfare, and your son's, and willing to go somewhere else while he gets his life together. Saying he's willing to get counseling is not GETTING counseling.
He could have supervised visits with you and your son (with a neutral third party) while he's working on it, but if his heart's in the right place, he'll be willing to do ANYTHING to assure your health and safety, and your son's.
Here's the thing - he's already gotten "physical." He's already verbally abusive (he's accusing you of cheating - assuming you aren't, then he's using that as an excuse to hit you). He's done this before. It's time to contact the local program for abused women and get some tips for yourself on how to deal with this situation - how to do what's best for you, and for your son, who needs to see someone model responsible, mature adult behavior if he's going to grow up to be a responsible, mature adult himself.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please take care of yourself and your boy - your boyfriend, although you love him, has his own work to do.
2006-09-20 11:36:41
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answer #1
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answered by peculiarpup 5
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All the answers are saying the same thing. They're mostly women. The truth is that you care about him, and you believe he can change. I do too. I've counseled men out of these situations (violence, breaking windows, calling the cops, etc.). They're doing well now.
Don't use traditional counseling or psychiatry. They'll dig up his past. He'll know why he is the way he is, but he'll only be worse at it because he'll feel like a victim.
What it comes down to is that the woman antagonizes the man. That's right; you're fighting with him. Stop that. That's right. Stop it. You have control over your temper. He does not. You probably grew up in a family where yelling is normal. He probably grew up in an abusive family. Yelling is not good to him. Arguing is his weakness. You know it, and you want to exploit his weakness when you are mad at him. Stop doing that.
The only thing that will calm him down is time. Try it. When you disagree with him, don't say anything. Say respectfully, "I disagree with you, but I care about you, so I'll submit." Try that. It will blow him away and change him. When you both are getting angry, take time away from talking. Ask him if you can watch a movie to calm down or go for a walk, and pick up the discussion later. If there is still frustration in your tone or his, don't talk about it. Give it more time. People say that you shouldn't let the night go down on an argument. Don't listen to that. Go to sleep. Pick it up after you sleep. The reason why they say that is because communication is important. Well you aren't dropping the subject, you're just saving it for later. Many men get violent when they are arguing into the night. Let him get sleep!
If you do this, you'll be teaching him how to calm down when he is angry. He will slowly get better at it. It's like everything: practice makes perfect. Eventually your problem will be solved. Also, I recommend using the Bible. Read it to him, even if neither of you believe in it. Find verses about peace and love. Read those verses. It will calm both of you down.
Oh. And tell him this plan. Also tell him you love him and you'll marry him after this plan works.
2006-09-20 11:54:19
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answer #2
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answered by edwardnprice 2
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The best thing you can do is demand that he enter into counseling with you or you should consider that one day he may really hurt you, or worse... for your OWN safety, consider a separation... one day, you will be a worse victim. He has issues that need to be addressed by a professional and experienced person. No religious counseling, but a bona fide counselor with a background in psychology. What your child see and experiences will also affect him in later life. Your child will be affected as sure as you and I breathe. If you're unwilling to do it for yourself because you enjoy the beatings, than do it for your son... he may grow up to abuse women because it's what daddy did! Is that what you want? There's a cliche that is so appropriate, "Love shouldn't hurt." Remember that.
Unless you act now, you may either have to flee for your life or you will be another statistic of domestic violence. You decide what it's going to be.
2006-09-20 11:41:51
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answer #3
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answered by Anonymous
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Why should he change? You have been letting him get away with this for a while, it seems. You should have left him the very first time he struck you. Leave. Get a restraining order against him. If he comes to your home CALL THE POLICE. It may take a while for him to realize you are no longer willing to be used as his punching bag. Do not listen to anything he tries to say. Hang up if he calls (I would change my phone number). I hope your son is young enough to have not picked up on what is going on. For his sake, if not your own, take back your life. You both deserve much better.
2006-09-20 12:09:48
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answer #4
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answered by Debbie D 4
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I speak from experience and trust me when I say this. A man who beat or hits a women 90% of them never change. BUT, you have to be willing and ready to either walk away from it and leave for good and mean it. OR stick it out and suffer the consequences. I myself left and it took me 8 years of getting the he11 beat out of me daily to realize he was not going to change and I deserved a better life style for me and my two children. I walked away and never looked back. Granted over the 8 year period, I can't count on my fingers and toes how many times I called myself leaving him. But I would stay gone just long enough for the black and blue marks to go away and back for more I would go.
I lacked self confidence in myself and thought I would never find anyone else.
But I did and HAPPY with my life. My oldest son remembers to much and my youngest son doesn't remember anything as he was only 13 months old when I left. But it is all up to you and no one can tell you to leave you have to be the one who wants to leave and until then, you will continue to allow him to treat you this away.
WORD OF ADVISE, you better off without the hitting and beatings. I use to think, they are black and blue marks and go away. Yes, that is true, but you still hear those horrible words he has spoken to you day in and out. Some days worse than others. Or it might be just a grunt and then you remember the night before when he grunted and then a smack here and a busted mouth and black eye. Until you truly get out those memories will haunt you daily. Once your out of the environment, as the years pass, those memories disappear as you replace them with happy, fun and excitement in your life.
Best of luck to you
2006-09-20 12:09:23
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answer #5
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answered by young at heart 4
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im srry no i havent been n dat kind of relationship but i can still give u some advice. if he put his hand on u more than once, then he'll do it again. the first time when he did it he said he wont do it again, but then he turned around and did it again. then he'll keep on doin it. it seems like he really loves u if he asked u 2 marry him. and if he loves u he will stop doing this.i say that if he has changed then marry him but dont make no decision until u are sure he has changed
2006-09-20 11:40:10
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answer #6
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answered by jadie_padie11 1
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I was in a relationship like this, and no it never did stop. My ex went to counseling and it didn't do a damn thing. It ended up with a permanent restraining order (on his end) and a trip to the hospital for me.
I would take it as a sign and leave, before something ends up happening to you or your son. (kids can get in the way of trying to "save" their mother) Kids learn what they see, so please think of the safety of both you and your son.
Let me know if you need more advice if you don't have a place to go. I am a wizard of finding resources.
2006-09-20 11:37:57
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answer #7
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answered by justme 2
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The man is an abuser and you should not even consider taking him back until he has dealt with his issues. Saying your going to go to counseling or even going to counseling are things an abuser often does to placate those around them even though they never actually deal with their problem. You have given him multiple chances and he hasn't changed yet. You need to be concerned about your future and the future of your child. Right now I would say that future is better off without him in it.
2006-09-20 11:30:05
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answer #8
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answered by rkrell 7
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You should all be in counseling. The effect on your child will not prevail until later. The fact he is physically abusing you is reason enough to move on, but you sound hesitant. So get into counseling as a family unit and individually. No one should live in fear of their partner.
2006-09-20 11:32:17
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answer #9
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answered by crkristy 2
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You have every right to worry..... This is physical and emotional and verbal abuse. You cannot change him, and I doubt if he really wants to change. I was married (very breifly) to a man like this. He was a sweet man before we married and then turned into his real self after we said "I do".
You really have no choice, if you want to live, and you must leave. It is not your fault, he has the problem, not you.
2006-09-20 11:42:41
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answer #10
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answered by littleflower_57 4
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