I cheated on my husband one time before we were married or even engaged. He has always suspected that I cheated on him with my best friend from work and I have always denied it. After our son was born I finally came clean because he kept questioning me about it. Now he is leaving. I thought he loved me enough to forgive me. Apparantly I was wrong. Now he doesn't trust me and he thinks it happened with many guys over and over again. Would you leave your marriage for a one time mistake like this???
2006-09-20 10:06:10 · 29 answers · asked by golden2 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
no i would never forgive cheating period
2006-09-20 10:08:32 · answer #1 · answered by butterfly 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It would still be very hurtful and thats why keeping these things a secret doesn't work. To you it happened long ago and before you two were fully committed to each other, to him it happened the day he found out and you have to understand that. The one thing you can NOT do is write it off or try to diminish his feelings about it. Whether or not he leaves will be about him and his ability to deal with it. It takes a whole lot of time. I have some information that helps people decide whether to stay with someone who cheated or not, perhaps it would help you understand how to help him with this and what you need to do if you hope to save your marriage...maybe you could show it to him and it could help him decide what to do rationally. He's in pain and rational is a ways off for him...you've got to get that and respect that.
The first thing to do in a situation like this is realize there is a pattern to the healing process, first there is a lot of anger, second there may be a period when you have sex with your partner a lot in order to 'stake your claim' or win your partner back, then the real affects of what has happened set in and thats when you know whether it is something you can deal with or not. I didn't realize this and made mistakes and big decisions while still going through this process and they turned out to be the wrong decisions. I feel that if I had known about this pattern I could have seen things more clearly.
As far as continuing the relationship or not you first need to determine whether or not getting over it is something you should do. I saw 7 things that can help you determine this:
Is it an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? (including past relationships, even if its the first time they cheated on you has he cheated on others)
Do they own it (take full blame) or make excuses for why it happened?
Do they REALLY grasp the damage they have done to you and your relationship or do they just pay it lip service?
Are they sorry for the choice or just sorry that they got caught?
Are they willing to do what it takes to clean up the mess they made, whatever it takes and however long it takes? or do they want to deny it and move on?
Is it out of character for them or are they insenstive about other things too? (respects your feelings, treats you with dignity, etc)
Is it a legacy or a new behavior? did they grow up in a family where this happened? if its what they learned thats a big clue.
Once you've gone through these and IF you determine that the answers all favor a successful relationship then you take it one day a at a time, if its a history or a pattern you leave and realize that it is the idea of the relationship that you 'love' and not the reality, surely you don't define being loved as someone that devestates you emotionally and doesn't care that they did. Finally, there is a question for you, if you reinvest yourself in this relationship and they do cheat will you be able to handle it or would you be emotionally wiped out? Never invest more than you can afford to lose. You have a lot of thinking to do, but don't worry it WILL get better and you will be ok!
2006-09-20 10:26:21 · answer #2 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Finding out that someone has cheated on you hurts no matter if it was twenty years ago because of the simple fact that you loved that person so much, you were so true to them, you would never do that to them, and you probably turned down so many tempting offers that you thought were not at all worth losing that person over. He kept questioning you because he Knew you had done something, when you are so connected with a person--you can feel things. You were wrong and he has every right to be upset about it. Because he loves you and has a family with you, and because he always had that feeling that you had gone outside the relationship but he married you anyways--I think he will forgive you and come back. He just needs time to feel angry, to feel betrayed and hurt, and then to start healing through forgiving. I am engaged right now and because of the same wisdom I bestowe on my female relatives and because of my own personal experiences--if he ever cheats on me...I will be gone..we have a babygirl together but that's no excuse to deal with a cheater...I have looked him in his eyes and told him this and he knows I am serious...He has also told me while looking at me in my eyes that if I slept with someone else...he'd never touch me again! I do believe he would never touch me again, I don't doubt it at all. He is my heart and I would never hurt him like that no matter what we may go through from emotional downs to financial problems... I truly believe no man out there is as perfect for me as he is, although he ain't perfect, but he comes close enough for me.
2006-09-20 10:41:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would end it, Not only did you cheat but you lied for a long time over and over again, That is not a good thing, to be honest i don't know what i would be more upset about about the lying or the cheating???? Even if you are honest with him from know on, i don't think he will stick around, you made a big mistake time and time again there is no taking it back, I know this is not what you wnated to hear, and i am sorry. If you need some one to talk to you can email me i will do what i can
2006-09-20 10:41:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
What does it matter what I'D do? You have the problem. What are you searching for in this? Justification?
Here's my question. If you screwed somebody else before you were married or even engaged...then how could it be "cheating"? Hmmmmmm? Answer that one. So it seems to me he left you for reasons other than what you say. I mean...what did he think...you were a virgin? There aren't any of those anymore. They hang with unicorns. Ever see one of them lately?
Maybe you gave him cause to think you were unfaithful. Were you? With his best friend? I'll bet he happens to still be his best friend too right? Because if he is...then he left you for another reason. So 'fess up. What'd you do that made him leave?
2006-09-20 10:32:02 · answer #5 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all u were not engaged, so u were just dating. Therefore u are free to bonk who ever technically. Second he is a man I am a man i know I screwed around on my wife before we got married as I was still technically single. I knew it was wrong but, come on I was about to be married. For him to leave u for this is stupid, I think he probably has done the same thing and feels guilty, and is just looking for a reason to get out and u have given to him. My wife had an affair while we were married , since I was being a pain in the a**, and I forgave her and am in super love with her to this day.,
2006-09-20 10:17:49 · answer #6 · answered by erker34 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry for what is happening. But you must ask yourself, why wait till after the baby. Did you need leverage, over him or did you want to guilt him into staying. Also how can you keep such a lie to yourself for so long, cause that is what he is asking himself. Ask yourself this, did you love him enough to be honest with him? What you failed to see is that it wasn't a lie. It was a clever plan to control the lie and reveal it when it was best for you. Apologize Apologize Apologize, sit in front of an impartial person (psychologist) and discuss. Show remorse, and empathy, and love and be patient. Good luck.
2006-09-20 10:59:52 · answer #7 · answered by italian4smiles 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No I would not leave my marriage for a one time mistake, but each individual is different. Also, whats in the past should stay in the past. There is no need to bring up things that happened in your life or his life before you were married. When God forgives us for our sins, He said he throw them in the sea of forgetfullnes not remembering them anymore. Also when we ask God for forgiveness, He forgives us. So to make what I'm trying to say short, I'm quite sure your husband has done some things in his lifetime that needed someones forgiveness so he should forgive you. He should not want to even want to know anything from the past that may cause heartache for him. He should only want what is going to make peace and happiness for you, your son, and himself.
2006-09-20 10:23:48 · answer #8 · answered by Wendy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds like a mess. I would be more upset that you lied to me all that time. Maybe that is what he is finding harder to get over. You may not have been cheating, but you have been lying, and not just once - am I right? You need to be absolutely honest with him from now on. It will take a lot to earn his trust back, but it is possible.
2006-09-20 10:11:57 · answer #9 · answered by Daisy 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You should have told him as soon as it happened. You put him in a position where he feels trapped. Just because it is old news to you doesn't mean it is old news to him. He just found out. If my spouse did this to me, I would question his faithfulness in our marriage too. I think this would destroy the trust in my relationship but because I believe in making a marriage work, I would suggest that you both go to marriage counseling before giving up, especially since you have a kid.
2006-09-20 10:16:14 · answer #10 · answered by Ann Ducketts 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Apparently you based your marriage on lies to begin with by denying the fact that you cheated. He may not have left you if you admitted to it when he asked the first time. If you thought he loved you enough to forgive you, you would have told him earlier. I'm sorry, but a relationship that starts with a lie and deceit is destined for failure. I would leave my husband if he told me that he cheated on me, too. I have to agree with the others. Sorry.
2006-09-20 10:14:29 · answer #11 · answered by proud mom of 2 girls 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋