What would you do with an easily frustrated boyfriend?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together since January of this year. He has never gotten frustrated with me (other than minor things) and has always been very supportive.

The thing I need help with is how to deal with how frustrated he gets with himself. I see him excacerbate problems with his frustration and it makes me sad... He and i have spoken about it and he is working on it...

Of all the qualities that he brings to the table... THIS is not something I would consider leaving over... I just want some ideas on how to support... or give space... or deal with an easily frustrated individual.

1. He is going through a very hard time due to a big financial loss right now. (losing about 40K) So I have been understanding, supportive and HAVE NOT tried to solve his problems. (Only offering help when asked for it).

2. He is in counseling although he needs to go get a session... hasn't been for a little bit.

3. He tells me that he isn't usually like this... the frustration is really from this big financial loss...

Oh yeah, I know better than to try and fix him... HAHAHA...

thank goodness!

Answer 1

Being frustrated with self is rooted in a set of unrealistic expectations about self-performance.

Because his pattern of behavior, motive, etc. does not line up with a set of artificial standards he has established for himself, there is anger and frustration, which he can only focus inward.

Curiosly, the root of the problem is that his self-perception (be it in job success, character maturity, intelligence, whatever - you don't specify what areas he is most frustrated about) doesn't match reality.

I suggest you talk to him about this calmly and honestly and see if that resonates with him. Only after identifying root causes can you begin to identify solutions.

Hope this helps - it's a very common syndrome, often seen in perfectionists.

Answer 2

Well. First off, the frustration is not the problem. His anability to do what he wants is. So here are a couple fo things to try.

1. Ask him why it frustrating him if hecant do something perfectly. Remind him that humanity doesn't want perfection no matter what is said. And that he should attempt to attain the goal without trying to go to perfection.

2. When he is frustrated, look him in the eye and say something like, "Why don't we leave that for a bit and come back to it when we both have had a chance to think about it." That way he can take a break without seeming like a loser. Which we both he is know he is not, or you wouldn't be asking for help.


Good luck, and try to remember to get him and you to breath through these problems.

Answer 3

Find out what is really the root of his frustrations. It could be an underlying factor as to why he is getting so frustrated over problems like stress. I suggest that you both find ways for him to calm down in stituations where he is getting real frustrated. He can try breating or just talking to you about his frustrations. It's seems like he is very hard on himself and likes to beat himself up alot also. So encourage him by saying good things about him. And let him know that you are there and not to worry so much about certain things. Let him know what ever he does it is not his fault and you can both work to fix whatever problems he is having.

Answer 4

He needs counselling, you can NOT fix him, don't try..you become something other than a gf then, you become his therapist or his mother or whatever...I mean of course you should be supportive of HIS efforts to fix himself but you can't do it for him. You've only been together since January....he will eventually turn that frustration on you if he doesn't get to the root of HIS issue and get it solved, guaranteed..absolutely...no question about it he WILL turn it on you, he has to, its who he is right now. Women have been getting themselves in to horrible situations by believing that they can 'fix' men for centuries....it simply doesn't work so don't even bother getting sucked in to it. This is something that goes back way before you and will continue wayyyyy after you if he doesn't do something about it. I'd be willing to bet that every gf he ever had was once in the same place you are right now, none of them fixed him and neither will you. Honestly perhaps its just something he has learned will sucker women...the wounded puppy, crying child syndrome...women will instictively want to fix it. It may just be that it has worked to get him what he wanted before..yes I know you don't want to hear it but thats because the wounded puppy hasn't turned around to bite you yet. I'm not advising you to ditch him at all, I'm just saying that if you do NOT see real effort being made on his part to get a grip on this (like he starts going to counselling) then it may very well be a game he's playing...its simple if it is honestly something he wants to fix he'll do what it takes to get that done, if you don't see that then he's full of crap. You will eventually get really tired of it and being with him will feel more like babysitting than having a bf.

Answer 5

He needs to shake it off. Given the state of the post 9/11 economy and a customer who ended up being a crook I have come to look at a 40K loss as gentle. His life is not over. He's met you this year. He needs to evaluate the state of his life soon.
ood friend once told me that rich is an attitude as much as a bank balance.
Point out that he still has some good things (you) and is just like the rest of us working stiffs when it comes to starting over.

Answer 6

He can only help himself and he must there might be something in his past he is not telling you but YOU best be very careful he will one day take his frustrations out on you I know first hand about this so tell him that if he wants you he will see someone. You can not fix him.. We as woman always thing we can fix a man. But I am here to tell you we can't. Keep your eyes open and your heart safe. Tell him to get the help he needs and stop trying to fix someone that you can't. Be SAFE!!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

Men like to work out their own issues usually. The whole male ego thing. You can offer to help him when he's frustrated but most likely he's still going to get frustrated. Maybe come up with ways to handle things better and try to make it be his idea, then maybe he would be willing to do something different.

Answer 8

In the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, John Gray, PH.D. says that men tend to go into their "caves" to be alone. He does this when he needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution. Or he has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn't want to do or say anything he might regret. To support him, give him space or distance. To support him when he wants to be alone:
1. Don't disapprove of his need to withdraw
2. Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him.
5. Don't sit by his cave and wait for him to come out.
6. Do something that makes you happy.

Answer 9

Tell him no one is perfect and if he was he wouldn't have a place here on earth. Tell him to take a step back and look at the problem or problems from a different stand point. Sounds to me he is trying for some level of self perfection and if he is he going to be forever frustrated.

Answer 10

With my guy if I try to make it better he gets more frustrated because it's his job to take care of me not vice-versa (his idea not mine). But counteract it but talking him up. I tell my guy things out of the blue like how sexy he is when he shaves as he comes out of the bathroom after shaving. Sometimes in the car I'll tell him just how hot he looks in a new item. And mean what you tell him. Don't tell him something if you don't mean it. Thats akin to lying. It'll boost his self-esteem and maybe he won't get so frustrated at himself all the time.