husbands internet girlfriend?

Question

my husband has a "friend" online that he talks to regularly. a few months back i found all of his im's to her. and they were very graphic. he says that it is just a game and he has no feelings for her. but he also wont stop talking to her. he says i have no right to say who he can and cannot talk to. is this something that i should be concerned about or should i just let it go? he says its not cheating since he isnt touching her. but they have web cammed together. he wont change his behavior so what should i do?

Answer 1

First and foremost, YES, it is a problem.

In the first place, if he is going somewhere else for attention it can only mean that he is not getting whatever it is he wants from your relationship. Obviously no one here is going to know the reason for that, and it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that this is a question of value and priority; what value does he place on your relationship and does making it better take priority over whatever instant gratification he gets from his "friend"?

Second, thoughts lead to actions. No one in the history of mankind has ever had an affair without thinking about it first. As much as people would like to claim the contrary, the more you allow yourself to be subjected to a particular influence, the more that influence is likely to impact your decision making. There has been case after case of people getting into relationships online and ultimately cheating on and/or leaving their spouses because of it. I would be willing to bet that not many of those people got online with the intent of ruining their marriages, but they permitted their thoughts to persist until they ultimately led to acting on those thoughts.

So yes, it is a problem. Even he is fully aware that it's a problem because if he weren't why would he not want you to know what he's doing and saying? Now the question is, what do you do about it?

It is your right to know what your spouse is doing. If he won't tell you, then that's another issue that you'll have to work out. But in the mean time, just don't give him the freedom to get away with it. Follow exactly the same guidelines that parents are given to keep their kids safe online. Put the computer in an area where you and he can both see it; somewhere he can't isolate himself. He probably doesn't do it when you are or might be walking by. Then, make sure that you are walking by. Make sure that you don't give him so much space that he can get away with this sort of behavior. Don't be too obviously intrusive or he'll just get upset, but change your routines such that you are around more during the times that he's doing this stuff. If he cannot trust his isolation, he probably won't do it. I doubt he really wants you to walk in on him with webcam up and his pants down.

Another thing you can do is block the site. If you have a webcam, I'm assuming that you have high speed Internet. That means you also have a router which can block access to sites. Some routers block sites and send a message saying the site has been blocked, but what you really want is to have the router not send him a message. That way it just looks like the site is down. I'd be willing to bet that it would take him awhile to figure out that a filter on the router is what is blocking him. There are several little things like that that you can do to prevent him from getting to the site without it being at all obvious that you are involved. If you need help, get online or go to a local computer store. There are lots of people who can offer ideas and walk you through them.

If worse comes to worst, cancel your Internet account. Do not TELL him that you are GOING to cancel it, just do it. It might be a little blunt, but it is also well within your rights and what would be appropriate. Of course he won't like it, but just explain to him that your relationship means more to you than the Internet does and you're not going to allow THAT to be the cause of it falling apart.

Finally, make sure you do your part to make the relationship better. A marriage is a partnership and whether you're in any way responsible for the rift in it or not, you do have to be responsible for helping to close it.

Answer 2

His responses are designed for him to be able to coninue pursuing his online girlfriend. It is cheating when you are giving the part of yourself that is promised to your mate. Why should he be spending his time trying to make another woman laugh, feel happy, or turned on? Too many relationships that begin on the internet fast turn into an overwhelming curiosity that culminates in a meeting of the two parties. It's time for drastic measures. If your husband was an alcoholic you shouldn't be buying alcohol to put into the home. Don't make it easy for him to have the access to it. If it isn't a big deal then he shouldn't have any problem with DISCONNECTING the internet. The biggest sexual organ in a human is the BRAIN. It starts with how a person thinks and feels and is demonstrated by actually having sex. Don't back down. YOU ARE JUSTIFIED! Remember that when you fight for your marriage. He's having an emotional affair that will soon not be enough to satisfy him. Remember that.

Answer 3

YES you should be concerned.
My husband gave me the same bullsh*t-a** excuse about a year ago.
IF they have web cammed together I can guarantee you that they weren't just looking/watching each other typing messages.

What my husband and his e-bimbo did via webcam should be sold in adult video stores. My husband never made physical contact either BUT it was still wrong. Whether it's physical contact or not it's still cheating. The only people who don't consider it cheating are the ones involved in it.

Your husband is only telling you that it means nothing to get you off his back, but he's lying to you. If it didn't mean anything he wouldn't still be talking to her like that and he wouldn't be refusing to end it.

You need to put a stop to it and soon. Otherwise, you will lose your husband to some internet bimbo. His engaging in this type of behavior is not your fault. You've done nothing wrong but imagine how he would react if he discovered you were doing the exact same thing he's doing right now.....it's not pretty is it?

Believe me, this woman probably knows all about you and doesn't care.

I left out alot of what I went through and did to remedy that situation but you get the gist. If you want to talk you can email me at [e-mail]

You may not feel like you need to fight for your man but that is exactly what you need to do.
Good luck to you

Answer 4

What do you want to do? I mean how far are you willing to go? Do you love him sooo much that you would be willing to put up with that behavior for years to come? What if the relationship escalates? Meaning, today is on the web cam tomorrow is face to face, etc.

If I was you I would make it very clear that you are not only uncomfortable but perhaps hurt about what he doing. And if he has any regard for how you feel he should change.

It's hard to ask people to change who they are but let's face it (the way you make it sound) it's not something that he has done from day one. It's not that cute little habit he always had and that made you fall in love with him.

Last but not least if you threaten him, make sure it's something that you are willing to carry through or else it's just useless. What I mean is... if you say something like "if you don't stop I'm never cooking any more meals for you" or "if you don't stop I'm gonna divorce you". Make sure they are not idle threats and you can actually carry them out.

Answer 5

You have to remember - men's and women's definitions of "cheating" are generally different:

Womans: If there seems to be an emotional connection between two people
Mens: If there is a physical sexual) connection between 2 people.

By his definition he's right.. he hasn't cheated.. they have never slept together.. they may have gotten off together - but isn't that the same as looking at a website or paying for phone sex?

And he's right.. he's over 18 he can do what he wants.

What you two need to do is sit down and talk about this at a time when neither of you is angry or upset about anything. Tell him how it makes you feel. Own your feelings - don't put anything on him. Present your point of view - your definition of cheating, etc.
Then listen to him... listen to what he is saying... why does he feel he needs to continue to do this? what is missing from your relationship that he needs to fill it with someone else?

then after the talk is done.. you need to decide if you want to continue in a relationship where your guy knowingly is filling a void in your relationship with someone else. If that is acceptable to you then stay in the relationship. If it isn't then you need to move on and get a divorce.

Answer 6

Time to wake up. If he is doing this to you on the net what is he up to off the net.It all starts somewhere. A husband and wife are suppose to be best friends, and put eachother first. Doesn't sound as though you are coming first in this marriage. I'd say he has no consideration for your feelings and maybe the woman he's chatting with is far more important to him than you are. Maybe if you tried chatting with someone and show him how it feels he would think twice. Then again once a dog always a dog. If he doesn't respect you now, will he ever?

Answer 7

Despite the fact that he's not "touching" her, he is still having an affair. It's a emotional affair and beyond since they have webcammed her and sent graphic messages to each other. The next step, if he already hasn't taken it, is physical affairs. I highly doubt he would be ok if the shoe was on the other foot. You need to bring in professional help and get to the bottom of this. If he is not willing to give up his internet affairs, you are facing divorce unless you are willing to accept and live with. It sounds like you aren't and he isn't so, I would prepare for the worse. Don't take too long resolving this, it will only get worse the longer you wait.

Answer 8

Ummm you need to leave this loser. If he does not respect you, he does not love you. You are his wife and he should not be speaking to any woman in that way (graphic). Sure he is allowed to have his friends, you cannot choose his friends for him, however if he has a web cam, and you found dirty IM's, he is basically cheating. And why does he have a web cam he wants to see his friend? Yea right. They are probably having cyber sex. If he doesn't stop talking to her, you need to leave your husband. He has no respect for you! There's better men out there!

Answer 9

Two thumbs down. You are absolutely right to disapprove this kind of behavior. I'm married too, and if I found out that my husband was spending time toying with this fantasy fling, I'd show him the door in a heartbeat. I'm appalled that your husband justifies his actions because he has no physical contact (or so he says) with this other woman. Get a hold of his mobile phone when he's not looking. Check for foreign numbers that you don't recognize and call them to see if a female answers. Since they have web cammed, he may have even taken it a step further and contacted her through phone calls. Don't be naive, this online relationship has nowhere to go but further towards a physical encounter. The fact that he refuses to honor your wishes is disrespectful in itself. It may time to seek marriage counseling for the two of you to address the reasons for his behavior. No husband in their right mind would approve of their wife starting an online relationship that included racy and intimate conversations. Why should you? It IS sexual in nature; and therefore, unacceptable and in poor taste. Put your foot down and stress to him that you will not stick around and subject yourself to this kind of abuse. He's making you feel less worthy of a wife.

Answer 10

i had the same problem with my boyfriend - he told me the same things ur husband has told u - and i let him go. and im glad i did. cuz after the internet stuff i started finding tex messages in his cell from other girls, and then girls started blocking their number and called MY HOUSE to speak to him.
ur husband is dis-respecting you! he's claiming that this is just a little fun and game 4 him but that should be a poker nite with the guys or something. u should read the bible. what he's doing is sinning. he shouldnt put no other (woman) b4 you. he should not be lusting 4 any woman. ur his wife. ur the only one that should be getting his time and affection and love. and you dont sound happy - and that should b enuf 2 tell u that something isnt rite. before u know what's even happened, he could play the "business trip" game and really he's meeting her in person. hopefully she doesnt live in the same town. but if u dont believe in divorce then u should go 2 counsling. i prefer the bible. but if he loves u then he should be keeping u happy - not keeping sum other woman happy. u are a child of God and God did not put u on this earth 2 b treated in this manner. dont let ur husband knock u down emotionally and mentally. u deserve the best. sumtimes its hard but with God u can b strong. May God bless u.