Do bitter single mothers take their frustrations out on their children?

Question

I just wanted to see if there are people out there who are in the same boat. I am a nigerian now living in the states. My father was abusive to my mom and just recently found out how i was given birth to. My father almost beat my mom to death before she gave birth to me. She had to literally break away from him and run away to the hospital driving herself to give birth to me. Then even after she gave birth to me, the abuse continued and I was told thatt she had to abandon me when i was a few weeks old, left me with him (my uncle and aunt had to stay with my dad to take care of me). Now, one would think my mom and I would be the best of friends, but growing up, she took out alot of bitterness on me. She always cursed me and even told me that I bring back ugly memories whenever she looks at me bcos I look like my dad the most out of all us. I wonder if this is common bcos I've dated single mothers here in the states who have dead beat baby dads and they would NEVER despise their kids.

Really thank you guys for all your answers. Especially u Empress. Sometimes i feel as though i am made out to be the bad guy bcos I choose to stay far away from him. There have been times my father-in-law has been mad at me for this, but I feel I have a right to protect my relationship from someone who nearly destroyed it. Every now and then when remember all he's done I get mad. Bcos of what he put me through I am deciding to be a mentor to kids who go through the same thing. Thanks

Thanks guys. If anything, my life experience has taught me "how not to" treat my own kids and wife. Both my mom and my dad were at my wedding (we threw it in Nigeria) and had to sit side by side each other in front of over 1,000 guests. They've been divorced since I was born and bringing them together for the wedding was a nightmare in an understatement.

Answer 1

Yeah it happens, My mom did the same to me. But not my lil sister. I didn't understand the whole thing of divorce and what not. I was a daddys girl and when my dad was took away from me I went crazy. My mom always said I was gonna end up just like him, a good for nothing person. She put me down a lot in life but would come around and say she wanted me to succeed. I never understood her reasonings for this. But to this day our relationship is better(maybe b/c I'm not under her roof anymore) but we still have a certain bitterness towards each other.

Answer 2

The pain in a relationship should never become the burden of the children. It sounds like your parents had a terrible relationship, but if you look at a volcano after it errupts and everything is ruined and destroyed, a few years later you'll find blossoms blooming from the ashes. You'll find hope where there was none and peace where there had been chaos. You are the bloom. You are not the legacy of the turmoil, but rather you are the hope for the future. You are a wonderful outcome, not despite the disaster, but BECAUSE of it. Because of the pain you'll be stronger, because of the hurt, you've learned that it's wrong to hurt the innocent. It was BECAUSE they were wrong in what they did as the heads of a family unit, that you'll know exactly what to do and what to avoid in your life. Your mother may have MANY reasons why she was a disfunctional mother and a participant in a disfunctional marriage and maybe she took that out on you because of the marital abuse, or maybe she was an abuser as a mother in her own ways; NO MATTER what her reasons, always KNOW that her treatment of you had nothing to do with who you were and who you are. Whatever SHE thought of when she saw you, WHATEVER triggered her emotions, whatever HER reasons were, they're not your reasons. They are not your handicaps. They are only your guidelines of what not to do as a mother, and who not to marry. That's all. Let their life be a reminder of how to avoid disaster and also a reminder that out of a calamity a flower can grow and she can seek wisdom (like you're doing) and she can be the triumphant success who has overcome the worst and can overcome anything...
Be strong. Their shortcomings don't define who you are. YOU define who you are... You are innocent. You are hope...

Answer 3

HI
First of all, I'm sorry about what happened to you. Secondly, it is your choice to be the better person right? to not be abusive! You really should just forgive your enemy even if they are related to you.You are an adult now, and should not choose to fallow after the foot steps of an abusive mother and father. Break that curse!Any one can be abusive for different reasons and they are all excuses to make up for their actions. The truth behind it all is lack of self control and victimizing others because of their own experiences as a victim, some one is in dire need of anger management! And much more! Some people never change because that is all they will ever know!!!!!!! That is what they learned how to be and the cycle goes on and on generation to generation of abuse. It is every ones' responsibility to just stop! And don't start! It's a crime shame that you and anyone would have to go threw, so I encourage you to encourage others to break the cycle of abuse in this nation and everywhere else it is happening too!

To answer your question, yes their are abusive mothers as you can see, it happened to you! You are not alone, it happens more than you know! People can abuse children, animals, spouces, partners and even children can be abusive towards their own family! Yes it happens but is that really where you want to stop? Just knowing about something isn't going to fix it!

So, lets all go see Dr. Phil!Or Dr. GOD

THIS IS THE BEST ANSWER!

Answer 4

It's sad, but true that there are a lot of reasons parents take out bitterness on their children. I don't think it's that uncommon when the parent has a lot of stress or a troubled past. I doubt she really means to hurt you, but doesn't know any other way of getting back at what has hurt her in the past. It's not right, but it may be all she knows. Those must be awful memories for her. However, she's also not giving you any beautiful memories. Now it's about you and how you handle your past and your relationship with your mother. You'll need to rise above it and make sure that you treat your future wife and kids with total respect and adore them. Try hard to show them how much you love them every day. That's how something good can come from what's happened to your mother. Good luck.

Answer 5

The answer is unfortunately, yes. What is striking is the commonality of the scenario. A young woman has an unplanned pregnancy that results in a child that she abhorrs. A few years later, she meets a nice man, marries, and has children with him. Those children that she has with him, she adores. But, that first child that she blamed for all her suffering...she will still blame it, resent it, and generally treat it abominably.

The simple-minded will suggest that that child should be put up for adoption...but that idea ignores the reality that there are hundreds of thousands of children in this country that have been waiting years to get adopted. And, many of them never will be adopted. Adoption is a great idea, but only if people actually DO IT. Otherwise, it's all just cheap talk.

Answer 6

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I believe the answer to your question is yet. I've seen it in my family. And it doesn't necessarily have to be single mothers.

My sister is a single mother with 3 kids and her boyfriend is a drug addict, abusive, etc. She definitely takes it out on all three of her kids. It's awful to see and I just don't know what to do about it.

My mom, on the other hand, wasn't a single mom. She just got pregnant with me when she was in school, dropped out and married my dad. She's been bitter every since and she was very abusive when I was growing up, verbally, physically and emotionally.

She always blamed me for her being stuck with my dad and she use to tell me she wished I was dead.

I'm just glad I could break the cycle. I'm happily married (7 years now) and have two great kids that I'm so proud of.

Answer 7

your mother is from anouther generation that did not talk about abuse or even recognize it and when a woman got out of an abusive relationship there was no counseling avalible for her try talking to her about the two of u going to family counselling together let her know that u want to develope a one to one relationship with her and u need to leave ur dad out of urs n ur mothers relationship she gave up alot to keep her life { you } and she has anger issues to deal with towards ur dad and they are spilling over onto u

Answer 8

Some do. My great grandmother raised me, but I remember many times when I was visiting my mother she would slap me for no reason other than because I looked like my father.

Answer 9

I am a single mother my self. I would never take it out on my 2 daughters because they never asked to be born. In my eyes they are innosent.

Answer 10

she was put through a lot i think if you where to get your mother and your father together and just wait for the egg to crack watch closely soon as he looks like he is going to hit her jump in between and show him that ur not ganna let that happen to her anymore and she may realize that your not like him!