Why is my husband ignoring me?

Question

Ok, last week we got into a fight and he ignored me for a day and a half. I get that part. But Sunday evening, he came to me wanting some kisses. I asked him if he was still mad at me and he said no. However... HE'S BEEN IGNORING ME EVER SINCE! He is really hard to read and not easy to talk to (he has bipolar). We really don't talk much as it is, so this is driving me crazy! Is he not in love with me anymore? We've been married for 5 years.

Answer 1

Hey,

Well, you know better than I do what the "normal" behavior is for your marriage.

However, what you describe is not uncommon when wives and husbands have a conflict. The man will often internalize a lot of the 'emotional shifting,' whereas the woman will want to vocalize it and make sure that things are openly resolved.

So you will have a fight, he will be annoyed for awhile, and at some point he decides to move past things but never tells you that he has.

Nor does he bother to see how you are feeling about it, or if you need something to be discussed before everything's okay.

So now, suddenly, he seems to have "flipped" because he's able and willing to kiss you. From him, that's a sign he's "past it."

However, you don't feel comfortable because the relationship was on shaky legs and you don't feel as if the tension has been resolved at all. You never heard an apology, you never heard an "I'm okay and forgive you, and want things to be good between us," or whatever you would need emotionally to let down your guard and be open with him again.

Not discussing the fight leaves you walking on eggshells; discussing it to him probably seems like beating a dead horse. What to do?

(1) Don't see it as "weird" -- and it might not have anything to do with his bipolar condition (although bipolar could make the behavior even more extreme). Many husbands and wives have this same pattern in their marriage, and both have to learn how to read the other person better, and also how to emotionally give the other what they need to move on.

(2) There's a possibility that he still felt a little bad around the time of the "kissing incident," but had chosen to move on. Your reluctance to kiss him (i.e., the reassurance he was looking for) annoyed him because he felt like you were refusing to patch things up and were holding onto the fight, whereas he was trying to move past it. Guys often can "move past" emotional conflict without discussing it openly/directly; usually women need more of a face-to-face about the specifics of what happened. The man will feel like the woman is being "too emotional" or "too intense" about things, while the woman will feel like the man is being "too indifferent" or "too cold" about the issue and doesn't care about her feelings.

(3) Communicate with your husband so that he knows that you're open to patching things up but that you need him to communicate more openly about his intentions and "where he's at" here. You are willing to give him the "kiss" -- but you need more than a kiss in order to feel better. He needs to discuss at least briefly what happened so that you are reassured that your relationship is still good, rather than hum just "sucking it up" and moving on without talking about it.

Marriages sometimes take a long time to develop these sort of understandings and behaviors -- my wife and I have been married for 14, but still sometimes have difficulty with these sorts of things. (After awhile, at least, we've learned to recognize what's going on, so that helps.)

Answer 2

You guys had a fight, he didn't talk to you for a day and a half, and then comes to you wanting kisses and probably more. And you gave him exactly what he wanted. And didn't talk at all about the problem that caused the arguement in the first place. That isn't good. It means there is a lack of communication, or none at all. Bi-polar people are so difficult to read because of the constantly changing mood swings. Is he on meds? And is there a professional therapist involved? Because if the answer is no to those two questions, then I suggest, HIGHLY, that something be done to fix it. You have been married long enough that you should be able to talk about even the smallest of things, and it doesn't sound that this is easy to do. It may be that he isn't in love with you anymore, or it may be that he just doesn't know what to do with the feeling that he DOES have for you because they are so overwhelming, the easeist thing to do is not talk about anything at all. You are going to want to talk to him about this, without getting into a fight. Go to him totally neutral, and explain that you can't live like this anymore. That you feel as if you are further apart than you have ever been, and you want to save your marriage. If he seems open to suggestion, press on for therapy, and maybe even some date nights to close the gap between you after some time in counseling. If there are children involved, keep them in mind when you are having this conversation, and make sure they aren't around because this is serious. I hope that everything works out for you. God bless and good luck.

Answer 3

Make sure hes taking his meds and not throwing them out. This is very common in bipolar people because when they feel good they miss the truly flying feeling they get when manic. This is a very difficult disease to live with because you aren't ever sure of what you are dealing with, his passive agressive anger over your argument or his chemical imbalance. Or both.
Five years can be a pivotal time in a marriage...maybe young children are taking the spotlight, or the bloom is a bit off the love and the day to day reality isn't what we dreamed of...only you can decide if you actually feel the same way about a man with so many problems and so few ways to resolve them.

Answer 4

You might need to spice up the romance. I have fibromyalgia which makes me bipolar and I go thru periods when all I want is to be left alone. If you leave me alone and let me clear my head I can pull myself out of it. Try to be understanding about this and do some research on bipolar and natural ways to work w/it. I dont like to resort to medications for everything. Bipolar is an attitude problem and I try to recognize it and work on it but the spouse needs to understand and know how to deal w/it just as well as the victim. On the other hand, he maybe distant for having an affair, but lets not go down that road. He came to you to give you a kiss and you brought up the fight. Dont sand bag. Let it go. If your not going to discuss the problem out then dont bring it up. Men hate cry babies. If he was still mad why would he come over to give you a kiss out of the blue? No matter how mad you at one another you still love each other and to give a kiss is to remind you that he still loves you but is upset about the issue. You need to keep the lines of communication open and let him know you still love him and then maybe he will open up. Good luck.

Answer 5

Hey , I suggest you shall talk to him about this and sort this out. There is one basic rule for a good married life. Never go to bed without argument or fight being over. Make up with each other. It is a bliss to have a happy married life, and at the end of your life all it means is a good partner.

Answer 6

Having a sister that is bi polar myself..i know what you mean ,my sis just recently has written me and my family off...the ones that have always been there for her!! Being he is this way you..know that they go through there high and low moments...maybe hes at the point where he just cant deal with anything and doesnt want to deal with you for the moment. I think he will eventually come out of it as they always do. But if you think it could be something other than his bi polar you need to find out what it is. People with bi polar cant help they way they act and usually only care about themselves,,until they snap out of it....find out whats wrong with him. I hope he is on meds for his problem. good luck

Answer 7

Dear lady,
Easily somebody would suggest you go to a specialist, but this wont offer you much. First of all you will have to discuss it with him and point out to him that this thing bothers you and it cannot continue like that. Ask him what he wants from you, tell him what do you expect from him. DISCUSS... It s no good to end up the marriage like that. Discuss and do not let him hurt your feelings. No woman deserves such treatment.

Answer 8

I have learned a lot about relationships in my 35 years. The one thing I find that is most important in any relationship is communication. I truly believe that without it, a relationship cannot survive. Couples games and massage may help to open the lines of communication, but what ever you do - open minds, honesty and trust are most effective in your communications.

Answer 9

i have found out in my marrige, that guys need romance as well as we do, they just don't know it. lol. after 3years my husband let me know that he would like to get flowers as well. and he is not romantic at all, so now i try to do more, like favorite dinners, he's fav sport on t.v. and love letters, that also tell him how im feeling but in a nice and loving way. guys are like another child in the mix, we are suposed to know whats a matter. so don't dwell on it to much, He loves he just needs to remember how to say it. lol.
I hope this will be of some help, good luck, and God bless.

Answer 10

See professional help until you can learn to communicate with each other.

If you cannot talk after 5 years of marriage, then it's just going to get worse from there.