This question is strictly for the ladies. I am very much in love with my girlfriend and she is in love with me. We have talked about marriage, about a house, but the hang up is on the issue of children. My girlfriend wants a 'guarantee' before we go any further that we will have children, or at least a child. I have been married before and children were never discussed. I told my girlfriend I can't give her a guarantee to have a child together, but that I always thought about adopting and would love to do that one day. So... would you still marry me if that's my answer on the children issue?
2006-09-20 02:01:33 · 22 answers · asked by DAN 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First you can't guarantee anything, unless you are God. So if you would adopt, why wouldn't you have your own child? I don't understand your reasoning. I married my husband after knowing about his past, which was not pretty. That is what true love is, accepting someone for who they are, not who you want them to be. Who knows, you might change your mind and want to have a child together. If that is what will keep her from marrying you, then she probably isn't the right one for you.
2006-09-20 03:00:16 · answer #1 · answered by GreeneyedCowgirl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My question to you is...why adopt a child but not have one of your own? She is probably wondering the same thing which brings up the next question. If your not willing to have your own but to adopt one, how committed are you to her? You are sending a mixed signal here. I think your afraid of the all time commitment here. Marriage can be broken but a child is lifelong. Love is a powerful thing that is SHARED between 2 people and you both need to work together. That means sometimes you have to give to get or compromise. Children are a wonderful gift. Atleast both of you are discussing this before hand unlike many who marry and then find out one doesnt want something that means so much to the other that it destroys a marriage. Just do alot of soul searching and keep the lines of communication open. Best wishes.
2006-09-20 09:41:24 · answer #2 · answered by Ivory_Flame 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why not trying to have your own child other than adopt? Are you secretly hideing the fact you can't have them?
Children can be the center of a family unit. You can't not discuss it.
Sure, you can't guarantee her she will one day become pregnant, but if you have said "adopt" one day, in a way that is a guarantee.
Sounds to me that her heart wants children. Maybe down the road she wouldn't feel complete without a child.
So, maybe, just maybe, IF your not able to guarantee a child in your future from normal birth to adoption, maybe you should let her go and find a man that can guarantee this one simple issue she carries in her heart and dreams.
2006-09-20 09:21:30 · answer #3 · answered by peggin_beast 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a woman I would. I think that it is great when people adopt. It takes a special person to raise a child that is not there's. Anyone can have a child but not everyone can raise another's child. When I was three my father adopted me and that is something that I am glad that he did. The man that made me only did that and nothing more. That was fine cause I couldn't of asked for a better dad. He taught me a lot and was always there for me and later in life my child.
2006-09-20 09:14:46 · answer #4 · answered by sscott12414 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is no guarantee on having a child ever. But, if you do want a child one day then let her know that. But if you never want a kid she should know that also. Then leave Adopting in that off chance you and her can't have kids for some medical reason.
2006-09-20 09:19:22 · answer #5 · answered by kittykat78 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, quiet tricky...why does she need a guarantee? what is the other guarantee besides a child? Marriage was odained by God and Children are an extra package...adopting is also fine. anyway, regardless of what we think here, the decision should be made by the 2 of u...shadde more light.
2006-09-20 09:11:12 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
the issue of children should always be a deal breaker. if 1 person really wants kids and the other person doesn't, eventually the resentment will build up and the relationship is destined to die. if you both don't really want kids and you have kids anyway, you're not going to be happy. if you don't have kids, then she's not going to be happy.
i have a friend who is in a relationship with a man who is divorced,has had a vasectomy, and doesn't want to get married again. problem is, she really wants to get married and have kids. she is trying to convince herself that she doesn't want kids, but we all know that she does. and she knows he's not going to marry her but she stays in the relationship anyway. why am i telling you this? she is almost always in a bad mood and she never used to be this way. it's the resentment that's making her so miserable.
if you want to be happy, you both have to be completely honest about how important this is to you. if you have different views still, then it will be in your better for you both to let the relationship go. it will be hard at first, but then you can both find someone who wants the same things that you want. in the long run it will be better. good luck to you both.
2006-09-20 09:40:49 · answer #7 · answered by fungirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The children issue is a deal breaker, if both people have a different mission. IF I LOVE YOU It would be unfair to marry you then either expect you to have a child or be bitter about not having one. The same goes the other way. .
2006-09-20 09:23:19 · answer #8 · answered by sweet pea 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you really have not given her a answer on wanting children, you either want one or not. no matter if you conceive together or you adopt. you really need to think about it because it is an important issue. i am going through a similar situation with my boyfriend who just wants to be my boyfriend, never get married and never have kids... i think he is just scared so i am gonna hang on a bit longer till the next time we discuss. If he knows for sure he doesn't want kids, i will probably pack up and move on.
2006-09-20 09:10:07 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No I would not. Not that there is anything wrong with adopting, but I would want my own blood-related child. After that, if my husband wanted to adopt also, I would adopt a child in addition to my own blood-related child. Your girlfriend was specific about wanting to give birth to children, so I do not think she will marry you if you do not want to fulfill her dream of experiencing the birth of her own child.
2006-09-20 09:09:16 · answer #10 · answered by RKC 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋