I have been seeing a woman for about 1 year now and i have found it difficult to believe how well we get on, I am 50 and single for a few years, she is 45 and also single. She lives a long way from me and I have managed to transfer my job to where she lives and have rented my house off, I was supposed to be making the big move next week. I have now found out she is in extreme debt, this has come as a big shock to me as i have always been financial independant, I am now doubting her motives for being with me. Could do with a little help here please.
2006-09-20 01:38:04 · 27 answers · asked by rastus 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
If you have been seeing each other for 12 months then she is not out to grab some money and run. Suggest you take it steady and trust your instincts, but be aware it is not as simple as those that have some debt are to be avoided. Maybe an ex partner left her with the debt...
2006-09-20 01:44:31 · answer #1 · answered by mark2zephyr 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tricky situation here and one I can relate to. I live with my boyfriend and he's in debt. Trust me, I've spent many nights awake worrying about his spending habits and how this will effect credit rating etc, do I lend him moeny to pay his debts do I not etc etc..... After much deliberation there was only one conclusion I could come to. When you love some body and when you make the decision to live together and share your lives together, that involves taking on the good and the bad. A relationship is tackling issues and problems together and helping each other get through difficult times. Don't get me wrong, I'm not paying off my boyfriends debts for him or anything like that and if he ever makes a late payment on any of our bills (which he hasn't yet) I'll be down on him like a tonn of bricks. What I am doing is helping him and supporting him through this difficult time because as far as I'm concerned, I'd rather live with him and his debts than live without him. My advice to you is this. You need to evaluate whether you are prepared to enter into a serious relationship with this woman. You have been living independently but are about to enter into a situation where you will be sharing everything again - are you ready for this? Ok so she has debts but do you really think so little of yourself that that is why she wants to be with you, so you can pay off her debts? I doubt that is what she's thinking. living together is about taking on the good and the bad things together. If you don't feel you can do this with this woman, then she's not the one for you.
2006-09-20 02:41:14 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you doubt her motives for being with you just because she is in debt and you are not , that is not enough reason .Unless she has been asking you for money to pay her debt , but if she asks you for money to pay her debt and she says she will pay you back and does this continuously and doesn't pay back than you will see she is just in it for $$$$ Give her the benefit of a doubt if everything is going great with the 2of you why ruin it because she in debt help her out in different ways without having you to give her any money, maybe you could give her advise on how to handle money the way you do ,that way she can be debt free one day, but don't give up that easy cause is not easy finding someone you get along with. Just be there for her , but make sure she is not using you . Use the example i just gave you. If you don't help her trust me she will be upset she will think that you are an *** cause she would probably help you that is what is like when you are in a relationship is helping each other out too.
2006-09-20 02:10:03 · answer #3 · answered by spang 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't blame you for feeling this way seeing what her situation is. But I have to ask how do you know she's only with you to get your money in some sort of way? You didn't say whether or not you were moving in with her. If you will be staying in your own home then I don't see what her debt has to do with you. If you really feel like this is the wrong thing to do then go with your gut instinct. Some people are in debt before they meet someone, but that doesn't mean their out to get this other person just because of money. This woman may just like you for you and nothing more. I would stay in my own new place just to be sure. Maybe you could help her organize a way of getting out of her debt to help her. If she does nothing to help herself and the debt she's in then I would start thinking otherwise.
2006-09-20 02:13:47 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you think she has been seeing you for financial gain? I would think you would have felt her ill intentions before now.
I wouldn't just forget the whole relationship as of yet, if she doesn't ask for help and is trying to rid her life of debt then I would keep seeing her. If it is "can you help me out?" or anything like that then I would wonder what was up.
Doubting her motives for being w/you sounds a little like you are a wee bit insecure, hang in there for a while and see what happens. Good luck
2006-09-20 01:46:43 · answer #5 · answered by sideways 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can handle the stress that she will go through as a result of being so badly in debt, I would continue the relationship but take the following precautions: (1) Have her sign a pre-nump to keep your assets separate. (2) Do not purchase any assets jointly. (3) If you marry, file separate tax returns (4) Keep a separate checking and savings account and never transfer money between your account and her account. (5) Do not loan her any money (6) As a condition of getting married, ask her to go to debt counseling and work out a plan to get out of debt. Don't get married until you really see her making progress. If she doesn't and you want a life partner, move on and try to find your life partner.
2006-09-20 01:53:11 · answer #6 · answered by RKC 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
how did you find out? did she tell you? the main thing is are the debts being paid and are all payments up to date, the last thing you should want is to move in with this lady and find that your credit rating falls due to your association with her address. You should discuss with her the reasons for these debts, but dont throw away what appears to be a good relationship for that reason alone, maybe hold off making the big move for now until you feel sure in yourself that it's you she is after and not your money, but dont treat her any differently, just try to give advice on ow to manage her finances better.
2006-09-20 02:02:06 · answer #7 · answered by felicitym2000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is tricky for you. You have to let her know that somehow you are aware of her debts. If you loved the woman , I guess you wouldn't care, but I don't think you should pay off her debts, as you will always wonder if that was her motive for being with you. In any event, you are not responsible for her financial worries. Also if she hasn't told you, I would question making such important life changes. But good luck to you.
2006-09-20 01:45:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well if she hasnt mentioned her problems to you previously it could be because she was embarrassed, or yes that shes intending to use you.
You can only speak to this women about this - its unfair to automatically assume that her motives are for you to help her out with her current situation. A lot of women yes - would be sneaky in getting involved with a financially secure person - particularly when in debt themselves, but other women will be strong enough to cope with it themselves,
I would broach her on the situation but dont accuse her of anything - just express your concerns and I am sure she'll be honest with you - lets face it shes not a young foolish woman - so I think she'll put your mind at rest.
2006-09-20 01:48:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, no offence girls but haven't you noticed how we all change when we get complacent in a relationship?
Take this scenario for instance, you can guess what's coming a mile off can't you?
She gets on well with you because she's making the effort man
You move in with her and get her debts straight!
BAM, she changes on you....see yah!
There are 2 possibilities, you get dumped maybe with debts...who knows.
You get lumbered with a conveyor belt of bills for eternity but are in love.
Take your pick now!
Good luck to you
2006-09-20 01:45:46 · answer #10 · answered by Lorraine R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋