A barren world, so lonely and deserted,
the heat of the sun so unimaginable,
the air seems to be made of sand,
unable to see, unable to breathe,
he continues walking,
in hope that he can get to her,
for he knows even though he feels unbearable pain,
the joyous heavenly feeling when he finds her will be worth it,
to him she is worth more than his life,
for he says " what good is life without love",
and "what good is love with out being able to share it with her."
Then She appears before him,
smiling with eyes that seem able to stop time,
he looks at her dazed in ecstacy,
and he asks her " is it you my love",
she does not reply,
he walks to her, trying to embrace her,
but all he embraces is the sand,
cruel are the tricks of the sand,
then he falls down in saddness,
never to rise again,
only to be found by her later,
she, seeing his sad lifeless body weeps,
for she has lost the one person who dearly loved her,
"I hope you can hear me" she pronounces to the sky,
2006-09-20 01:36:26 · 11 answers · asked by Romeo31 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
continu'd
"my love, for no more time shall you and I be apart",
she lies next to his body,
only for her to take her own life.
2006-09-20 01:36:56 · update #1
the last 2 lines, yes, I drew inspiration from Romeo & Juliet
2006-09-20 01:49:35 · update #2
Rude as I may seem, I mean you well when I say that you really have 'miles to go' before being rated as a 'poet'.
Your present attempt is but a string of un-punctuated words with neither rhyme nor reason, listlessly relating the time-old tale of star-crossed lovers stranded in a desert (Laila and Majnu, right ?!) for the umpteenth time.
A friendly tip : Relate something original, something which YOU have personally experienced. Say it BRIEFLY and SIMPLY - in some 16 lines, or even less. But say it HONESTLY, with SINCERITY.
...Then, my friend, you will have finally composed your first poem. Best of Luck.
2006-09-20 01:55:58 · answer #1 · answered by Shushana 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Intriguing twist on the Romeo and Juliet theme. This might also be turned into a short story, with a lot more details, character and plot development. How did these two come to this situation? Is the love reciprocal? If he loves her, but she is just fond of him, she might weep, but certainly not commit suicide over him.
A little tweaking and editing would move the quality of the poem up a notch. Double check to make sure the format is grammatically correct, add correct punctuation like question marks after questions, and spelling is accurate ( sadness). The spelling and grammar checker may help with the editing of mechanics, it is not a big deal. In free form poetry you can get away with a lot.
However, you might try tightening up the poem ( fewer words) and using more vivid words and imagery. Eliminate about 1/2 of your pronouns. This is a great poem in which to use metaphors, similes and other literary devices. For example, the lines about trying to hug sand contain some duplicate words. Try something along the lines of :
Striding swiftly toward her , reaching out with hope,
he embraces only a sand goddess mirage
Like a wounded animal, he drops to the ground,
moaning in despair...
well, you get the idea.
If you truly want opinions of your poem, this is a good first draft, but don't stop here. Keep working on this.
2006-09-20 02:13:46 · answer #2 · answered by bizime 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WOW! Very powerful poem. Sad and a little depressing, but at the same time comforting knowing they will be together forever in heaven. Beautiful!!
2006-09-20 01:51:11 · answer #3 · answered by patchen_mom 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cool
2006-09-20 01:43:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Quite poignant really. Has a lot of emotions. Good job!
2006-09-20 01:39:19 · answer #5 · answered by Cascade Ranger 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its great, u got some artistic talent i hope u wrote 100% of it
IT WAS NICE
2006-09-20 01:49:47 · answer #6 · answered by Lil Princess 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very emotionally packed poem ... well written that i can actually visualize!!!
2006-09-20 01:57:58 · answer #7 · answered by preni 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Romeo & Juliet echoes anybody??????????????
2006-09-20 01:47:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice one. Keep it up ^-^
2006-09-20 01:42:26 · answer #9 · answered by Dawn Treader 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow! U SHOULD ENTER A CONTEST!!!!
2006-09-20 01:43:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋