I have been out of my home and marriage now almost 2 weeks. I am safe and everything is falling into place. I will be in a new home within a week, maybe even by friday and out of this safehouse. But I still cry uncontrollably at the drop of a hat. I know this is what I have to do but why is it so darned difficult? Besides dating, (YUCK) what can I do to help me get on with my life and stop greiving the loss of a marriage I cant save? I know he will not change, tried this before and went back, nothing had changed. I still care but I can not talk to him. I can not see him. If I do I fear I will cave and dissappoint my kids and myself because he never changes even though I left 4 times before. Yesterday he was served. I signed a lease option on a new home yesterday too. I should be happy but I can hardly breath. What can I do?
2006-09-19 23:56:28 · 13 answers · asked by Lynnette G 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You are very brave - this is the most important thing which will help you through your new start.
If you look into yourself you may see enough to answer your question yourself. The answer is about fear. We fear a new start, we fear the new, we fear changes, we humans just have a lot of fear of everything. This is natural and fear is meant to protect. And actually if you notice....often fear is turned around into anger and aggression which is the next layer of self defense and protection.
Now - even in a bad realtionship there are a lot of things we are used to, we took habits in and therefore those feel "safe". Leaving all of this creates fear and this is why we all feel very uncomfortable with leaving what we know. And thn so many thoughts and doubts come up.
This is a very natural process.
And all it takes to do changes and improve an obviously bad siutation is obviously the ability to deal with that fear. To ovecome it and to be able to adjust to the new ground. And even strat from scratch.
You seem to be very strong to have made this decision and going this path. You are one of those brave women who are able to overcome the fear and doubts and you should make real good use of your strength.
And for how things will progress - to make you feel better - you will need really good friends around you who you can trust. And I would suggest that you look for new friends from a very different life and lifestyle than you had until now.
Perhaps you can go out to do things you have not tried before, that could be to learn dancing, do pottery, real good cooking, writing a book about your experiences and so on. Whatever your mind may crave. But you should really do something you would love and where you become good. When you do that you will automaticcaly make new friends, find good people. It will distract you from your depriving thoughts.
You can do anything. Really - a lot of people would not get to where you are. So - enjoy your new path!
2006-09-20 04:31:07 · answer #1 · answered by spaceskating_girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ohhh, I've been here. My mother was actually abused by my father and at one point in time we had to stay at a shelter as well, so I know that really sucks!I already think that you are making great progress though, the fact that you understand that you can't make the marriage work is a HUGE step. Nothing anyone says will be able to help you get over this because it's just not that cut & dry, although I wish it was. But whenever you feel like crying and feeling like there is nothing left think back to the time that you and your ex met and the feeling of new love and butterflies and all that good stuff and know that one day you will experience that again and this time with someone that will treat you with the same respect. I wish I had more to offer you but time does heal all wounds. Good luck!
2006-09-20 00:03:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The future is unset and frightening in some ways, and you're leaving everything you knew (and all the dreams you once had) behind. And you cannot just "cut off" feelings about someone you once cared about; at some level, you will probably always care about this man. That's just part of how we are.
The freedom to do anything, literally anything, is stifling sometimes; and you're moving without a real safety net right now. You also will have to have final communications with your soon-to-be ex, and you're afraid of his reaction. Anyone else in your situation would be exhilarated but scared as well.
You are going to make it through this. Look what you've done: You've finally committed to moving on, and you've managed to find a home for yourself and your kids. Other things will come -- a job (if you need to find one), a safe and fun atmosphere with your kids, and possibly in the future, a better relationship.
One thing for sure: Don't jump into another relationship right away, or look towards one for your security. Chances are you will tempted to pick something that will just alleviate your fears right now, rather than the relationship that is best for you.
(You are your own woman right now, and can be independent for your kids' sake, and learn to enjoy yourself for yourself and kids, rather than rushing forward. You are capable and can do this and even enjoy.)
I understand the point about not being able to see him. It sounds like he has convinced you four times to go back. You know you cannot afford to see him again, especially if you've had trouble in the past with refusing him. Don't negotiate on that promise to yourself; let others communicate to him for you, if need be, but keep away from him... and especially do not meet him alone. If you must see him, take someone along to give you confidence.
I don't know if there will be custody issues where you will be forced to interact with him. I don't know if or how long he will pursue you. You should get advice from folks at the halfway house on these matters, they deal with them all the time or can give you the names of good people to talk to and get emotional and legal support from.
So you will continue to cry off and on, and your freedom will sometimes cause fear because you won't quite be sure what to do... but over time, as you do more on your own, build new relationships, and establish yourself as an independent capable woman and mom, that fear will ease and you will feel so much better about your life.
You can make it. Just don't go back, and don't go it alone. Do it for you, and do it for your kids.
2006-09-20 02:38:19 · answer #3 · answered by Jennywocky 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what you are feeling. My first marriage i was put in safehouses every time I turned around and with a child as well. Each time I went back because of promises to change, yes I caved for three years in and out. The fear is thinking no-one else will want you, you are damaged goods. No more confidence, no more self esteeme. Stand tall girl. you are not damaged permanantly, it will get better. you are on the right track, take advantage of any councelling sessions you can get to help you become motivated and you will get yourself back. your kids need you to be strong for them and hey, all the crying will cleanse your soul. I wouldn't even consider thinking about dating until you and your children have healed first. Good for you for getting out, The support is there, and you should give yourself a pat on the back. The worst of it has already been taken care of, it will only get better. Just let it happen one day at a time. All the best to you sweety.
2006-09-20 00:17:27 · answer #4 · answered by Tammy 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry to hear your story and I had a similar one in my life for more than 20 years, but the only difference is: he is not as bad as someone but I have to say he is the one who's not respect me all these years in my life. So, I finally try to escape from him. But in fact, I couldn't leave him even I already left him and I came back to him when he was trying to kill himself by cutting his wrist. It was a sad story, but now I don't know what can I do? He is trying his best for me now by change himself a lot. And I know he will treasure his second life with me and he told me he can't' live without me. I can feel that he will really change for me, but still I couldn't turn my feelings on him again because my emotional separation from him is already gone through these years and I think I don't love him any more and also I already fell in love with someone else - an adorable man who I love very much. So now I just got lost and I don't what can I do?
I wish I could have a courage like you to move on again and I am surprised that you move out 4 times. So, my experience is similar like you but something is different and I wish my story will give you some feeling whatever you think. But again I have got the courage from you. Good Luck on your life.
2006-09-20 01:32:01 · answer #5 · answered by Marilyn 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay this will take some time but you need to get in touch with you as a person, get to know yourself. Why worry about dating just now. Spend time with your kids, lots of time with your kids. Adjust to your new found life for today is the first day for the rest of your life, and above all, take it one day at a time. Soon you'll see much clearer and be more able to decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. Good luck
2006-09-20 00:06:46 · answer #6 · answered by bprice215 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although things go wrong in a marriage, and divorce results, memories of the love and tenderness we had at one time remains forever. This is why it is hard to forget about relationships gone bad.
2006-09-20 00:00:59 · answer #7 · answered by WC 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is going to take time to get over a bad marriage...you spent many years there...i am so proud of you though...i spent 23 years in a bad marriage and it hurt my children too...the man was so abusive and sadistic...i am glad that you were strong enough to get out..you are started and do not go back...do for yourself now and try to make a happy life...we do not deserve to live a life of hell....i wasted so many years of my life...now i am 53 and alone..my sons learned a lot of his ways...it takes time though to really get over this...years and years and i know my damage will be with me forever...i am so happy for you...and try to just take one day at a time....but you have did the right thing...and maybe in time dating will not seem so bad....though it is really hard to start dating after being married so long...you might want to see a counselor and see if they can help you...give you someone to tell your feelings to....though that does not make them go away....but i wish you all the luck and the best....and i wish i had got away from my bad marriage before wasting so many years and my children learned to not respect woman either...a woman does deserve to be loved and respected....
2006-09-20 00:06:49 · answer #8 · answered by sanangel 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it sounds to me that your self-esteem is very low, you need to work on that by knowing that you are a beatiful women and can do anything you set your mind to. you said you have kids also, i know how hard it is by experience, it sounds like your moving in the right direction already but work on you and your kids you may always love him but remember he must not be good for you, it sound's like it wasn't safe 4 all of u. real love will hit when your not waiting for it so go on with your life and with your kids. they are the ones really need you.
2006-09-20 00:17:59 · answer #9 · answered by mennyray 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i too just left a bad sitiation and went to a safe house but, i was use to the controling that i let my children run me and its hard trying to find yourself again and it hurts but, do take it one day at a time and congrats!!! for getting out you deserve so much better and you will feel good when you take that fist breath of freedom
2006-09-20 02:27:47 · answer #10 · answered by christina318888 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋