My hubby expects me to read his thoughts and to know in every moment what to do or say without asking him. He wants me to understand him but does not want to communicate with me openly. When I told him to tell me, what is wrong and what can I do, he just said that if I don’t understand, then I am stupid, that I have to take care what I will do in the future because he cannot stand it anymore.
However, he is never willing to tell me clearly, what the problem is, but rather just a half-truth, "throwing the hook" and wait for me to get the point.
For example, he promised to go for a walk, and I was ready, then he told me he was sleepy. I said OK, let's go, it will wake you up… After the walk, he went to bed and said that he didn't feel good. I thought that he was just sleepy and I insisted to go for a walk, but I didn’t have any idea that he is ill, because he didn't tell me so. He was expecting me to understand the word sleepy as ill, what I didn't.
Of course, I told him that I don't like it and that I expect him to communicate more concrete with me, but he usually started yelling and accusing me for everything. I simply have no right to say anything I don't like, because always it will be my fault. I am expected to pretend that I don't know anything and that everything is OK even when it is obvious that there is something wrong.
Furthermore, he said that he wanted to keep me out of his problems because it bothers me and I am not strong enough to know about it.
On the other side, he thinks that he is fair and good to me and that he is doing everything for me to be happy and that he is desperate because he knows that I am not. But he still doesn't want to se the things from my side.
I feel lost and helpless and I am afraid to make any step further to do something for us. I feel he just does not respect me, treats me as a child.
Please, don't tell me to talk with him, because I have tried so many times and it does not work. He also doesn't feel like going to some therapist – he thinks the problem is in me, not in him. He does not cooperate and he underestimates my side of the problem so I just need to do something only for myself.
All I want is to get back my self-respect and make him respect me.
2006-09-19 22:50:02 · 15 answers · asked by smiiile 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
u guys r not compatible..find someone else
2006-09-19 22:53:02 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm sorry to say it, but you've ran into that *man wall*. That 'you should already know' idea that a lot of men get after they're married.
You ARE NOT stupid for not knowing what's going on with him. If anyone is stupid, it's him for not explaining things to you.
If he was sick, then he should have told you rather than saying he was sleepy. That's ignorance on his part, not yours.
Other than leaving him and filing for divorce, you could try treating him the same way he treats you.
Or think of yourself as being "on a need to know basis", and until he tells you exactly what's wrong, "you don't need to know" and you shouldn't ask.
Or you could try nit picking him to death, but if he gets angry because you question him, that might not be a good idea. When he says he's "sleepy" ask him it means he's really "sick."
I'm not a pro at counseling people, but it sounds like he's running the show and treating you like a stand-in. He doesn't seem to realize that you're actually one of the leading roll stars of the show. And it doesn't sound like he's ever going to let you regain your self-respect or respect you.
My advise, if you can leave him, do it. Maybe it'll open his eyes to the facts of your relationship. But be prepared to file for divorce should he only grumble in response.
2006-09-20 06:21:43 · answer #2 · answered by Lucianna 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My goodness. I feel I could have written this story myself. I understand your issue, for I share it. I understand that you've talked, but he won't listen. I know how it feels to be constantly blamed (heck, I apologize for everything now just out of habit.) And I understand the frustrating problem of them expecting you to just know. There's no easy answer. You have to assume he won't change, because basic character doesn't change, even with couples counseling or single counseling (been there, done that). Now, if he won't change, the next question you need to ask yourself is, do you want or feel compelled to remain in a self-destroying situation? If so, then maybe look to counseling (and I found meditation to help). If not, find a good lawyer, start saving some money off to the side, and get ready to go. Good luck. :)
2006-09-20 06:20:31 · answer #3 · answered by Arlene06 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I feel for you so much! Because I was in a similar situation with my EX. We we're together 4 years. I thought It would get better but IT DIDN'T. I'm gonna say this and tryin not to sound to mean.
LEAVE HIM! He is taking you down with him. If he don't want to try to get help, or try to work things out now. He NEVER will. And you have to much life left to just sit and wonder wth is the deal with him. I promise you'll get your self-esteem back and your self-respect. I walked around on broken glass for 4 years afraid to say anything that might set him off or was stupid. But if you want to keep trying to change him and his ways, Wow Good Luck. Most Men are so hard headed and don't realize or understand how they are, and don't think anything is wrong.
2006-09-20 06:46:21 · answer #4 · answered by AngWings 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
best thing to do is to be strong, you are a wonderful and caring person and very patient by the sounds of it! he wants you to understand how he's feeling and what he's thinking without actually telling you, which is very unfair on you and very selfish on his part, what about yor feelings and your thoughts? he doesnt seem to acknowledge that. A relationship is a two-way process, how can you understand him if he shows no understanding for you, it's not fair on you! why is it all about him anyway! I don't think you've 'lost' your self respect, I don't think you can 'lose' it, i think it's always there within all of us, it's just up to you as to whether you choose to assert it upon yourself. So be strong and assert respect upon yourself, and remember that your relationship is two-way and if he doesnt want to communicate with you, why should you try, don't even bother until he's ready to do so with you, good luck!
2006-09-20 06:06:31 · answer #5 · answered by babygirl 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems like you have a lot to say. You should tell it to someone that will listen. Like a therapist. If your husband doesn't want to go, go by yourself. You are the only one that can get your self-respect back.
As far as your husband, show him this letter. Let him know that you still love him and it is important that you work things out. Tell him that you are going to therapy without him.
2006-09-20 05:53:51 · answer #6 · answered by allforasia 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Go to a therapist for an advice on your husband. He may help you to understand the problem from a different point of view.
2006-09-20 05:58:47 · answer #7 · answered by akroj 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you cant make people respect you, they have to 1) respect themselves first and 2) be willing to want to respect you. and 3) you have to earn it. that said, go see a therapist yourself, if nothing else, you will learn how to approach your husband to try to turn him around. he has an ego problem and he is bringing it home .. sounds like he may not be appreciated at work and sees others passing him by which is wrecking his self esteem so he belittles you to make himself feel empowered. he will not change until he wants to change .. i hope your marriage has the patience to wait him out, but dont allow yourself to get sick from the stress, when that happens, its time to move on
2006-09-20 05:57:52 · answer #8 · answered by casurfwatcher 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like your husband has some very serious issues. Are you sure that he is not having an affair? This would explain his irrational and abnormal behaviour. He is feeling guilty for what he is doing and he is then lashing out at you.
2006-09-20 05:55:57 · answer #9 · answered by hoarfen 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well -- ask yourself this ? was he like that when you meet him...sounds like all he wants is a "mom" to take care of him and have somebody to complain to and wants you as his wife so sex-- you wrote like you are so miserable maybe its time for you to find someone else and there are plenty out there who will enjoy you and be interested in you and your ideals ity sounds like it time to find another soul mate -- it haoppens and he doesnot know what he will loss good luck JMO
2006-09-20 06:16:27 · answer #10 · answered by Ladder Captain-29 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is not willing to talk to you about it , or go to therapy for help then really the only option you have is to give him an ultimatium and stick it!.
You cant continue to live like this, it will destroy you.
2006-09-20 05:59:18 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋