Am I wrong to want to be independant in my marriage?

Question

I am 33 and have 2 beautiful children. I love my hubby very much but deep down I feel I want more. I had a career that I was thriving in until my 1st child came along. My husband decided that my career is on stand until my 2 bubs have grown. I am at home with them growing with them day by day, but I want more. My husband as nice as he is expects me to cook, clean, clean the car, look after the kids, do the groceries, look after 'several' investment properties and pamper him as he is quite busy with his demanding career. Thats fine and I understand that he is the bread winner and I should be very happy that I have the opportunity to stay home with my kids, but sometimes I feel I am not cut out to be the 'housewife'. I want more. I want to work and be who I was, I done want to ask him all the time if I can spend x amount of $ to buy this or that. I feel like a slave and he has taken full advantage of me, he comes home and picks on what has not been done, and so on.

Answer 1

i would look into hiring a sitter or finding a really good day care and going back to work if its what you want. explain to him how you feel, that you aren't cut out to be a stay at home mom. many women in today's society work and raise a family and tell him that you wish to work and help support the family. You say your husband decided you were to stay home when the first child came along- that should have been a decision that you both made, not him alone.

Answer 2

No, u are not wrong for feeling this way. What century is your husband living in? At the very least, he should be supportive of your own growth, not stifle it. There are a lot of working moms out there who are both successful with their careers and home life and there's no reason why u can't do that too. Communicate with him in a way that u won't get him on the defensive. He should've known by now that u are an independent woman that shouldn't be caged up. Pursue your own thing. U can always hire a sitter for your children. It isn't fair that he's in a successful career while u are stuck at home, wanting to be something more.

Answer 3

In a marriage where a very giving person is teamed up with a very taking person there will just be a whole lot of taking going on. A good father doesn't just bring home the bacon, but participates with the uprearing of his own children. Make some appointments for yourself and have him make arrangements for the kids for a few hours. When they start school he too should participate in their school activities, including taking them to school in the mornings. Also one spouse keeping the checkbook is generally an unhealthy situation. It will be the spouse who has less distaste for this kind of work, and perhaps more of a taste for the power and control that it represents. The other spouse will become infantilized as a kept man or woman, given pocket money upon sufficiently humble request, but the empowered spouse exhibits no gratitude nor gratification for having the power of the purse. Pointing out your spouse's despicable deficiencies can be done without saying horrible things that can never be taken back, screaming obscenities that reverberate through the neighborhood, pitching a shrieking fit in front of your spouse's employees or co-workers, etc. Talk to him about his selfish "laziness."

Answer 4

Sounds to me like you are unhappy in your relationship with your husband not your employment situation. You and your husband need to talk in an adult manner about your wants and desires as well as his and the needs of your children. And yes the children should come first.

Your description of your day is that of thousands of women who have chosen to stay at home and raise their children. Your job is to take care of the house and household business with as much pride as a "Paid" position. Your pay is the hugs, smiles, and firsts you get to witness that you would not get to see if you worked on a full time basis because you would not be there. The fulfillment is within you not where you spend your day.

I would suggest that you truly sit down and understand what it is you really want and what your complaint is. Is it really a lack of employment? Or is it resentment of your husband because he gets out and you don't? Or when he gets home you want to go do something and he is tired so you end up sitting in front of the computer wishing you had a different life because you think it should be more exciting than it is?

Remember nothing is ever the same as it "used" to be and you can't reclaim what was. Looking back is a mistake because it is gone forever.

I wish you well in your soul searching.
God Bless

Answer 5

I'm far too old to partake in such things!!!! First I would NEVER EVER wait on any man hand or foot for anything. Second I would never allow anyone to support me in any way-learned that one the hard way-for any reason! I would be G-O-N-E! If I was in your shoes. But I'm quite literally independent and always have been working since I was 12 with very few lulls in between. The only reason it is that way because I got into a couple of relationships where I was being supported and then thrown out onto the streets after an argument. Also when my divorce came along with another man, I was left with no house to live in. I didn't want to take the house from him which was probably my fault for not making him sell the house but rightfully he paid the mortgage the whole time and I didn't think it was mine to take from him. I'm one who knows how to carry my weight and responsibility. I finally got into a wonderful relationship years later but the relationship was all on my terms this time and find myself much more happy! You are just going to outgrow you mate when you have had enough like I did but be smart and have a good savings put aside so you will be able to get on with your life. No relationship is worth being miserable in. You will either find a way to compromise or you will leave him. I have a feeling it will come down to you having to push the limits on your unhappiness and having it your way or just remain miserable. I hope you guys can work it out though.

Answer 6

Madam u r having a wrong conception about ur position first u r a not only a house wife but also a respectable mother of two lovely children.In Indian tradition Mother's status is placed even before the god. The cost of a diamond could be a million but it becomes an ornament and its value and beauty is exhibited only when it is tied with a wire made of gold mixed with copper which cost very less when compared to diamond. In the same way a bread earner can not alone claim to be the superior. One simple saying should change ur attitude about a mother's status and the importance in the world that is the god wished to be with each of his creation for nourishing as he could not he gave us a replacement by giving a mother so much patience love affection so a respected mother would never ever think of taking away the love and care of either father or mother as both are more that god to ur innocent children. Hope u would understand. An isolated child is turning to be enemy of the world in thew present days. god bless ur children.

Answer 7

OH GOSH, i am so sorry for you. THAT's gross- I value my freedom and independence like you, and that guy attitude drives me insane. (they expect it or something because their moms did it for them). Chances are, if you were working and he was home with the kids, you would be washing your own clothes, making dinner when you got home and he would not be asking you to spend your $$. THEY are just LIKE THAT. It's something in their mental programming where they always watch out for number one and think cleaning will be something they never have to do.

I guess my only suggestion is to get something you can do from home, maybe even a course or something... ex: realty? you can show homes while the kids are at school and do all your networking from home.

Anyway, the point is you need that something to satisfy your bright mind and keep you fulfilled as a person. Too many times amazing and able women are pulled from the workforce too soon and put into this role of satisfying the husband (the kids are just too precious to not enjoy).

Wishing you all the best.

Answer 8

He sounds too controlling of you. I'm sure he can be a good husband and provider, but if he's a good of a husband as you say he is, he should understand how you feel. You should talk to him, and tell him you want more out of your life. Many women are mothers and wives, as well as career women. That shouldn't stop you.
He IS taking advantage of you, and criticizing what you do or don't do is unacceptable. Remind him that being a homemaker/mother is a full-time job, without pay, and that he'd be surprised at how time-consuming and difficult it really is. If he doesn't believe you, tell him you're taking the weekend off and he's in charge of the house... let's see how upside-down it is when you return!
Bottom line is: you're young and with potential. Your kids wont suffer without you 24/7. If it's what you really want, then talk to him. You'll regret it and resent him later in life, and that's not healthy.
Good luck!

Answer 9

how come you let your husband decide that your career is on hold? sounds like your self esteem has been way down low since before you had your kids - your husband's wants and needs are in no way superior to yours - if you are "looking after" (managing!) his investment properties the you are working for him on top of looking after the kids & running the household. his family should be more important to him than his career - ok so money doesn't grow on trees but he needs to step off the gas & cut you some slack so you can at least take a part time job & he can look after the kids & house for a bit every week & arrange some childcare (lord knows that doesn't come cheap)

Answer 10

you will lose it
if you do not take control
of your life
do not let him make you feel this way
he has no right
you work just as hard as he does if not more
and if he thinks otherwise
he is a loser
and tell him to let you pursue your career and he can do what you are doing
if he doesnt agree
he is a control freak
and doesnt deserve a family
why should he get to do all the careering
you want the same
so why does he have to be the one to ok what you want
i would go
i would take my kids and go
and move on without him or anyone
just take your kids and find what you want
he wont help you find it
only you will'\
it will be hard
but you will get alimony and child support if you divorced him[
and then you start your career and have a nanny or a relative stay at home with your kids
unless they go to school
but it will be worth it in the end
cause you arent getting any younger and time flies
and this is the last chance you will have to set the path for the rest of your life
make it what you want
live it how you want to live

life is just too damn short
good luck