If you enjoy proof-reading short papers, I would really appreciate your help!?

Question

I know I wouldn’t be here in school right now, working for a better education and hoping to finish off the year with a good grade point average, if my father and his family had never gone after their dreams. I thought about the dream I put down for myself for this upcoming school year, and realized how tiny it was compared to what my father had aimed for when he was my age.
Historically, the Philippines and the United States have been military partners dating as far back as the World War II battleground of Bataan. In 1951, the two countries signed the Mutual Defense Treaty to provide mutual military assistance in case of an armed attack against one of them. From time to time the United States visited, and continues to, practice military exercises with Philippine troops, to ensure a well-coordinated operation when the time comes. Thirteen years after this treaty was signed, my uncle joined the United States Navy from the Philippines to escape poverty, leaving his parents and eleven...

eleven brothers and sisters behind.
Almost ten years later, my grandfather joined my uncle in California. I never had the chance to meet my grandfather but from what I have heard, he was a good, hard-working man who loved his family very much. My grandfather then petitioned the rest of the family to settle in Guam and in 1976, my father arrived. Due to what he says was lack of opportunity, my father joined the United States Army and left Guam on his twenty-first birthday, July 16, 1977. He was stationed at Fort Lewis, Washington and proudly served a total of three years in the military.
After the military, my father applied for a job at the Boeing Company. The all too familiar lay-offs occurred however, and with the newly free time, my father took up classes at the University of Washington. When his work started up again, my dad began dividing his entire day between classes and work and slept with any of the free time he had. My father graduated & after five years working for Boeing,

he met my mother. He continues to work for the company today and with four children, I can say he has provided more than enough for my mother, siblings, and me.
I looked up the dictionary definition of the “American Dream” to find that one meaning was “the widespread aspiration of Americans to live better than their parents did.” After reading that line, I had to disagree that this was the reason I was living for. I am not living to be better than my parents are, because to me, they are the best. I know it took courage and bravery for my father to leave everything he ever knew, and the fact that he had no guarantees...just a dream.

I am a HORRIBLE writer! The input is much appreciated! Thanks!

Answer 1

Be better or live better? The quality of life can't be interpreted to make your parents life existence wrong. Could it?To work hard or work smarter maybe the key to a better quality of life, but you had said, "they are the best" , but are you invalidating your experience? At the time they did what was logical and beneficial for themselves and their future. The Military does take of their own which in turn gives each Sponsor and dependent more free time to improve their life or livelihood. Through your fathers Military experience the best logical choice was to make a horizontal transition into Boeing. To create more value as an employee he educated himself and his experience. Always adapting and improving. When your father left Guam he was essentially moving away from pain"seeking opportunity" just as your Uncle and Grandfather wanted to escape poverty. As you said, It took bravery and courage for them to do what they had to do in order to become that person they always wanted to be. A dream is a mental picture of the future looking back into the past, knowing you did everything in your power to make it. America allows you to picture that dream if you commit, sacrifice, desire and act on it. That is the beauty of this country. Your father wanted at least a chance at a better life and now you are one step closer. Maybe you have to create being disturbed, being without, in pain to appreciate and motivate yourself for a better life. Your hard work is a different experience compared to what your parents went through, along with many immigrants to the US. Be grateful. As far as critiquing your short story it is well organized chronologically but lacks character emotion. It's information in a timeline.I don't feel who your Uncle and father were, I can't experience what struggles, experience and obstacles they endured. Take the reader through an emotional staircase with an ending with what you learned and have become because of it.The definition of the American Dream is opened for interpretation, it could mean a lot of things for many people, from simple to complex ideals. What drives people is purpose, and goals are a function of the process. To finish school is a step to a career, but also a journey to find who you are, why are you here and what difference do you make. A test to conquer your fears and be brave and courageous?Maybe a dream is a thought placed in the future, lived and acted in today, and realized from the pain of yesterday. Ask your Dad about the pain and pleasure of his journey.

Answer 2

You are not a horrible writer at all! My only thought: The second paragraph providing all the history seems a bit out of place - though I understand why you wanted a little background. Maybe there's just too much info in there. The rest of it, however, is great. It explains with detail, but to the point, of the type of person your father is, and the fact that you respect him very much. I think you did a really good job.

Answer 3

no question to answer