i was just wondering if someone could comment on my story or poem or whatever this is and just gimme some feed

Question

back this is something that i wrote.
Who am I?
The boy thought. Why am I here? He sank down into the feathery softness of his mattress. The boy gazed out of his window into the black and starry heavens wondering for purpose and meaning, hoping that maybe if he stared a little bit longer they sky would open up and the very voice of god would give him the answers he had been looking for. The boy sighed as he turned his gaze to the family pet, Alba. Alba was a sweet and gentle dog never cared much for the boy, so why was she in his room? The boy didn’t care he had other things to worry about, and the more he pondered those things the more miserable he became. He soon grew weary of being tired all the time so he layed down on his bed as if falling asleep would make it all better. As his eyelids grew heavier each second he finally stopped thinking and at last with a single flicker of his oculus he slowly drifted to a place where no worries could reac

well i just kinda looked around for inspiration and my dog was sitting there and i felt i wrote it to describe me. as for the boy yeah he does have a name its cameron which happens to be my name...wow how interesting.

its not really a story its more of a poem.

umm...i did use spell check. if there are any words in there that are wrong then please tell me (besides the they thing i know about that)

Who am I?
The boy thought. Why am I here? He sank down into the feathery softness of his mattress. He gazed out of his window into the black and starry heavens wondering for purpose and meaning, hoping that maybe if he stared a little it a bit longer that the sky would open up and the very voice of god would give him the answers he had been looking for. He sighed as he turned his gaze to the family pet, Alba. Alba was a sweet and gentle dog never cared much for the boy, so why was she in his room? There’s that word again, why. He didn’t care he had other things to worry about, and the more he pondered those things the more miserable he became. He soon grew weary of being tired all the time so he layed down on his bed as if falling asleep would make it all better. As his eyelids grew heavier each second he finally stopped thinking and at last with a single flicker of his oculus he slowly drifted to a place where no worries could reach him.

is that better?

have you ppl ever read literature? i mean not every single piece of work is straightforward and the point doesnt always slap u in the face. use ur brain i tryed to hold my tounge but after the tenth person told me there wasnt a point to it i snapped so now im telling you there isnt a true point to it its open ended. what i was going for is the fact that the boy is struggling with himself for self actualization.

Answer 1

good.
it kept me intrested,
you used the boy too much. Does he have a name and what about another word to describe him.
What was the point of Alba, if it doesnt have a real purpose , dont include him. However , it would be interesting if the dog's presence gave him another pick to the meaning of life.

its alittle too wordy, good imagery however!

Answer 2

It's a good piece, but it does not flow well in places. You need to be mindful of your grammar - you have no idea how much it affects a story. Grammar can change the meanings of sentences eg 'The boy didn’t care he had other things to worry about, ' - that section was hard to read, as it's missing a comma after the word care.

Another thing you need to watch is overcompensating with adjectives. Try not to be so redundant, as it bogs the story down as well. eg 'black and starry heavens wondering for purpose and meaning'. You could have conveyed the same thought simply by saying 'starry heavens, searching for purpose'. eg 'the very voice of god would give him the answers he had been looking for' could have been 'the voice of God would offer the answers he sought.'

Sometimes it's hard not to get carried away - try to streamline your writing, so that the words you do go with have more impact.

Answer 3

Sounds like you like to write. You're pretty good at it and should continue developing your skill as a writer. This could be an introduction to a chapter about you adventures and adversities growing up. Show your English teacher and keep in mind that writing is no different than any other skill that you want to adquire. The more you practice it and see how others express themselves in good books and literature, the better your skills will become. Have you ever thought about keeping a diary of the daily events in your life and how you react to them and how they make you feel?

Keep going my friend.

Answer 4

Clean up the spelling, fix the run on sentences, and you have a promising start. Need lots of work, to get it fixed for publication.
The story rambles, and needs a point.
good luck.

Answer 5

Not bad. But it's blurry.I mean it's taking too looong to get to the point of your story ... and pleasee...dont use 'the boy' too much.It'll makes your story become boring.Wrote better next time! u can do it

Answer 6

It is a good beginning, but it needs structure and grammer. and please use spell check. And the boy needs a name.

Answer 7

?