A sincere question for homosexuals?

Question

I know this is long, sorry!
I have recently been noticing some changes in my 14 year old daughters behavior, and I'm suspecting that she may be questioning her own sexuality. I would like to know how, or if, I should talk to her about this.
I'm not homophobic at all and she knows this. Her best friend is bi-sexual and I love her dearly! I have homosexual friends myself. So it would not bother me in the least if she were. I only want to make her comfortable with talking to me about it. I don't ever want her to feel bad or insecure about herself. I just don't know if I should approach her about it.
What would you have done if your parents had come to you and asked you about your sexuality when you were a teenager? Would you have just been absolutely mortified and lied to them or would you open up and talk about it?

I never expected so many wonderful, honest answers! Thank you all so much, I have no idea how I'll ever choose a best answer for this one.
I will follow every one's advice and just leave it be for now. We talk about everything and the fact that she seems to be closing off to me had me a little worried about her well being. But I see now that it is most likely just her trying to figure things out for herself.
Again, thank you all so much!

Answer 1

What a champion mum you are!!!! I am fairy young (20) so i recently went through this, My parents were always curios and i knew this but they are homophobic, so it wasn't easy for me. They would drop some hints or jokes but i always shrugged it off. They finally found out, its something we (meaning them) don't speak off because they said it doesn't suit me, and its such a waste????? I couldn't just come out when they were joking around cause i wasn't comfortable yet myself with it. So just be care full seeing that she is only 14 (she might not even understand yet)... But it will be easier for her cause your such an open minded person. But your already doing a fantastic job, just be there when she needs you and don't play up on it to much.

Answer 2

It may be a case of the "grass being greener on the other side of the hill" but if my parents had openly discussed my sexuality with me I think it would have been a huge relief. I carried private shame and confusion with me throughout my adolescence. On the other hand, times have changed, and where young people once felt stifled by non-communicative adults, today they are often embarrassed and overwhelmed with pressures and expectations. You have to be able to "read" your child. Does she act like she's carrying a burdensome secret? Do you have enough intuition to know? In general, I think the time has come when parents who suspect homosexuality in their children should start broaching the subject and preparing their children for the challenges that will face them, even when they are very small. We have all heard of little boys who act like girls and vice-versa. Sure, that may be a phase, but it also may be an indicator of future homosexuality. It was in my case. I wonder how my personality would be different, how confident and secure I would be, if my parents had taken me aside as a small child and said, "Jonny, you might decide some day that you want to have a buddy as your partner instead of a wife. That's okay, and if you feel like that, we want to help you be strong, because there are a lot of people that will make fun of you, because they're dummies and they don't understand that some boys are naturally like that." I have no idea how I would have reacted, but I think, having grown up with the angst that I had, I would like to see it happen for other kids.

Answer 3

You can ask her the normal parenting questions but ask them in a way that will leave all possibilities open. Like... don't ask her if she's dating a boy or if she's interested in a boy... just ask if she's dating anyone or interested in anyone. Let her know that you want her to be able to talk to you about ANYTHING, whatever it is.

And you don't have to come right out and say "so... you're a lesbian, right?". Ease into the subject. Bring up a current GLBT event in the news or in your area or talk about one of your homosexual friends or even invite a few over for dinner or boardgames or something. Gage her responses and let her know that you're completely accepting and understanding.

If she is questioning or has come to a decision, remember that it probably took a LOT of time and thinking and introspection on her part... you can't expect her to be comfortable just blurting it out the moment she's made up her mind. It may take a while for her to get it out. Just keep building the trust and keep showing her that you will love her no matter who she discovers she is.

Answer 4

My parents asked me Or actually "told" me that being gay was wrong, and I was mortified. Even though you are an accepting mother, I would suggest allowing your daughter her space to explore and come to you if she feels the need to bring something up. Right now, she may not be sure enough to want to go there. It sounds like she knows well enough that she is loved regardless, and that is the most important thing, which you have already given her! Kudos!

Answer 5

Would you have wanted to talk to your mom about your sexual urges when you were only trying to figure them out yourself? I would have run screaming back into the closet if my mom had directly asked me about my sexual orientation.

Consider this. Invite a lesbian couple you know to be among the guests at a dinner party. Let her invite her best friend, too. Show them that there are people you consider good role models for her. She may have conversations with them or she may not. It is a subtle and yet supportive way of encouraging healthy exploration of her own affectional orientation. If she wants to talk about it, she will know it's an okay option.

And by the way, most girls are not homosexual. So she may just be reflecting your openness.

Answer 6

I'm a bisexual adult and I never told my mom until I about 4-5 years ago (I'm 35). My mom was always my friend and relatively open minded but I knew she would be mortified. When I finally did tell her she asked what she did wrong when I was growing up. I had to tell her she did a great job and nothing she could have done would have changed that.

I am happily married to my husband but I still think about being with other women occassionally.

Answer 7

We should be able to rate questions of this order very highly.
I suspect that my mother may not have known what it was about except in a "Mills and Boon" style. When I brought up the subject of living with Gwen, mum said "You know I always wished for grandchildren but Gwenneth is a lovely person so treat her kindly and be happy"
Bless you and the very best wishes. Rose P.

Answer 8

She is very lucky to have you for a parent, in that you are non-judgemental and very understanding.
But I know when I was 14, any question from either parent re my love life would have me red-eared and squirming with humiliation.
Give her space.
In her own way, in her own time, she will tell you what needs to be told.
Maybe you can throw down a discrete hint - like "you know I love you no matter what" or something similar - so when the time comes she knows you will respond with the love and understanding she will need.

Answer 9

I agree with redcatt.....I think it's normal for a 14 year old to question their sexuality...she knows your not homophobic..so maybe she's just trying to figure somethings out on her own...maybe she just isn't certain what to tell you...because she doesn't know herself what's going on.
If my parents had come to me and asked me if I were gay I would have been horrified...but that was years and years ago...times have changed....you could maybe just 'innocently' bring up the GLBT issue by talking about her bi-sexual friend..I don't know...but just be there and support her---sounds like you already are.

Answer 10

omg she is sooo lucky to have a parent like you. But aside from that I say let her come to you. By that point she will either be comfortable about talking about it or will need your guidance. Be prepared for either reaction. I dont know if I wouldve wanted my parent to come to me only because I wasnt sure about myself until I was ready to talk about it. She may be going through a phase but then again it may not. Let her open up to you. That way you know she trusts you. Good Luck to you and your daughter. I'm sure you'll both be fine.