I have made the decision to get a divorce from my husband. He is an emotional and verbal abuser. He has been physical in the past. I know that this is the best thing to do for me and my kids but it is VERY HARD! I have family(my mom) to go and live with until I get on my feet again, and he will have to pay at least a grand in child support. I also have job skills as I was laid off several months ago and Michigan does not have an abundance of job openings. Even though I still apply. I have been fed so much garbage that I have low self esteem even though people think I'm pretty, smart, kind, etc. I can't get my mind off of what he'll be doing and him meeting someone younger and slimmer than me (I'm 34). I imagine him treating her so much better than me and starting another family, etc. I've heard that he'll treat the next one the same but I don't envision that. It seems so easy for him to move on like he can't wait (except for the child support). How do I move on while I'm so damaged?
2006-09-19 16:01:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
the first thing you do is find a counselor. You really need to find a perfessional to talk to about this. Being in a abusive relationship changes everything about you. You need to stop thinking about what he will do or think or anything and think about yourself. Dont even think about him in the what will he do after me since. It doesnt matter.
2006-09-19 16:06:52 · answer #1 · answered by mariposa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only way to move on is one day at a time. When you have your independence and see how well you are able to take care of yourself without the abuse, you will pat yourself on the back every day you manage to do it. You will go on what I laughingly refer to as the "divorce diet". Much of the time, women see the weight fall off of them after they leave an abusive relationship. I think we fall into the trap of eating for comforting ourselves while we are in the bad relationship. When we no longer need to be comforted, the weight naturally comes off. At least it did for me and many women I know who went through divorces.
You have done the hardest part in taking the first step toward being good to yourself and not putting up with the abuse anymore. Congratulations on managing to live through it and survive! In six months you will probably look back on it and wonder why you stayed in it so long!
And believe me, he WILL treat the next one the same. That is what abusers do. They use and abuse until there is nothing left, then move on to the next mark.
You have people pulling for you, don't give up, cause it does get easier with each passing day.
Good luck
2006-09-19 16:29:00 · answer #2 · answered by Slimsmom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry that this happened to you. Have you thought about gettin spousal support from him on top of child support. Jerk!!! (sorry :( )
It will happen to the new one. I guarantee it. But, to deal with your problem. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but if you are Christian, I would consider finding a good church for starters. There is nothing like God's love and the love of other church members to make you feel awesome about yourself.
Also, seek counseling. It will help. But you have to be willing to work through it no matter how tough it gets. It may mean you having to realize some pretty good things about yourself no matter how much you don't agree with it. It has taken me 22 years to get over low esteem. It wasn't easy either. There were some pretty serious things that I had to admit before healing could take place.
Look yourself in the mirror every single morning. Tell yourself that you are better than him, that you deserve better than him, etc. Tell yourself one positive thing that you like about you EVERY SINGLE DAY.... Before too awful long, you will start to believe in the good in you and not the bad.
I hope for your quick emotional healing.
2006-09-19 16:14:00 · answer #3 · answered by ktjokt 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
good for you for leaving. i was in a very similar situation, of emotional abuse. i never realized it was this until i became very depressed after our child was born. i left him when he waws 3 months old. its been hard and still is, living with my parents. i know i think too he will move on and meet a younger, slimmer girl, i am 32 and it gets harder with age and after a baby. i am also told i am very pretty, nice personality, smart, but yet it seems i cant shake what he has done to my self esteem. i guess couselling would be best, but i find it hard to find time and a babysitter. i wish you the best and you did do the right thing. i know things get better and what i try and tell myself is i existed before him so i can after, and i was also once a very happy person with many dreams and ambitions and i can get that way again. do it for your kids, i only had the courage to leave once i had my son, he gave me all my strength, he is what got me up in the morning. good luck
2006-09-19 17:06:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I turned to online dating! I found a GREAT guy that is awesome to me and my daughter. Even if you arent ready to actually go on a date, chatting and online dating is fun because you meet people from the inside out instead fo the outside in.
Im so sorry for what you have gone through. I too was in an abusive marriage. There is light at the end of the tunnel if you are willing to take your children and look for it. It doesn't seem like it now, but things can only get better for you. Blessing to you, your children and your spirit for finding the courage to leave!
2006-09-19 16:39:03 · answer #5 · answered by nikki_butterfly777 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your state of mind is a choice that you make. Don't worry or even think about what kind of woman he might meet!! Tell yourelf, WHO CARES!!! Make a plan for yourself in how you will get into a home of your own for you and your children. Be successful. Take some college classes if you are able to so you can be in line for a better job. Just keep applying and don't take no for an answer. Once you get yourself in a positive frame of mind, then you can start thinking about what kind of man that you want and how you want to be treated.
2006-09-19 16:19:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your husband is abusing you he definitely will do the same with another woman. If you love him then try to work it out. PRAY and then get some counseling. The only way this marriage is going to work is by the grace of God, YOUR faith and counseling. Try to see if your husband will agree to go to a councilor with you. I know what low self esteem feels like but I wasn't in an abusive relationship. The only way I healed was when I asked Jesus Christ into my heart. He has given me the strength to think better about myself and realize that in God's eyes I am beautiful. God made you just as you are so don't believe the lies that come from your husband's mouth. Ask Jesus to help you in this. He can give you the strength you need to endure.
2006-09-19 16:11:38 · answer #7 · answered by danikatspecial 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I can guarantee you that he WILL abuse the next one. Don't kid yourself. You think she's gonna have it better than you? She'll probably have it *worse*.
You'll move on because you have no choice. It'll be hard at first and those emotional scars don't heal easily, but they get better in time. Your confidence will also come back in time. This happens gradually as you start to realize that all those things he said about you were just a means of control. Once you're away from him, you'll start to heal.
You're gonna be fine, really. As a matter of fact, in time, you're going to be better than ever! :)
2006-09-19 16:16:47 · answer #8 · answered by Avid 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all you have to be strong and let him be. And then you have to be strong for your children b/c they need you more than anything. If you get sick their is no one that's gonna love and protect them the way you do. You have to start the process of moving on. You have to want to be a better person than he ever thought you could be. If you really want this you have to get up and look for help. You have to want to get out from that whole that he put you in. I recommend that you should talk to someone; professional or a really close friend. Just pore out your heart. But you have to stop thinking of all the trash he talked and start thinking positive b/c if you can't put it out. You won't succeed in getting better. You don't need to think about him B/C once an abuser always an abuser. Just be strong and pray to give you the strength to move on and get better for your YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN!
GOOD LUCK!
2006-09-19 16:32:06 · answer #9 · answered by littlecloieinttown 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
leaving my abuse husband 5 years ago and moving to a new state and starting over was the best thing I've ever done for myself. it was hard and scary and first but i prayed and the god i serve gave me the strength to move on. i cried at first because although i was free from constant abuse, verbal and physical, i was lonely and after being told how useless i was i had started to believe him. so the hard part for me was to forget everything he ever said and start to believe that i was no less and no better than anyone else and that i deserved more. hold on be strong and remember to love yourself. if you don't start loving yourself, and seeing how much more you deserve you will live a very unhappy life, unless one day he decides to take it. just leave.
you will be just fine, even if he gets with Hallie berry after you leave
you will be better off.
2006-09-19 16:15:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It takes time. It takes courage to break out from your shell . As for me, I made a committment to myself never will I be in that kind of situation again, Get a job and learn to be independent. Do not dwell in the past. Keep yourself busy . Find friends that will support you . Get involved in volunteer job. Last but not least
LET GO of your emotional baggage
LET GOD be your help.
2006-09-19 16:15:09 · answer #11 · answered by dtmc542006 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋