Why can't my step child be nice to her dad and me?

Question

I have be stepping for the past two years, every other weekend, and the older my 10 years old step child gets the more withdrawn she is to her father and myself. I have no children of my owe so I do not know if this is the way 10 year old children acts. We are not talking to the mother who is my husbands ex girl friend, in fact next Monday we are taking the mother to court for Welfare fraud which is over $40 K. While they were living together for six years the mother had welfare sent to another address in another city and county. All my husband and I want to do is to love this ten year old child, and teach her honesty, respect, and be a good person in society. Last week the child told us her mother said if she does not want to visit her dad and me any more, all she needs to do is say she is being abuse and she will never need to come over to her dad's home again. In the first year, the child was loving and close to us but as closer the court dat

Answer 1

Well, you have no idea what the mother is telling your step daughter. We are having the same problem with my step son. My husband and I have custody of him but everytime he goes to visit his mom, he comes back angry and withdrawn from us.
She is in my opinion a horrible excuse for a mother.

I would say give her some time. You never fully know what she may be going through either while living with her mother. Is her home life with her mom stable??? Just give her some time to find out some things for herself. If push comes to shove have your husband request a home study be done on the mother's living circumstances.

But the best piece of advice I can give you is document EVERYTHING!!! Every time that you guys call, everytime that you have her, every last little thing. It may not seem like a big thing, but document it. Every comment that her mother makes about you and your husband. Every thing that you buy her. (clothes, toys, supplies, etc.) ( I don't think food is necessary, that is kinda a given) For two reasons. 1.) If you do try and obtain custody later down the road, you have evidence to back this up. 2.) So if the daughter comes back to you later in life and says, "why didn't you do this or that?" Then you can pull out all the ledgers and let her see for herself.

Also, if you need to vent your frustration of the girls mom, do it to your husband away from the child. This is terribly hard to do sometimes, but you never know if she is going to go back and tell her mom what was said. Also, regardless of how terrible you think her mom is, it is still her mom and she still loves her. So if she hears you bash her mom, it is going to make her hate you. No matter how true it is, or if she agrees with you. If she starts telling you about mom did this or mom did that, (if it is not putting her in any danger physically or emotionally) tell her that what her mom does is none of your business. This way the child cannot work two ends towards the middle.

As far as the mother keeping the child from you and claiming abuse. I will speak from experience on this one. CPS would have to be called and she will need to have undeniable proof that the child is being abused. Just the child saying it alone is not proof enough. If it is stated in custody paperwork what your husband's visitation rights are, she cannot with hold visitation or she could face contempt of court charges.
Good luck with this. If I can be of any other help, contact me through email!!!!

Answer 2

Well its obvious that the mother whom the child resides with is not teaching the child the golden rules of life, so therefor when you only get the child for visitation, things become harder for you. When parents split up and there are children involved, things don't always seem to work toward the advantage of the child. Be the best you can be to her and while you have her for visitation, just keep telling her you love her and guide her the best way you can in the small amount of time that you have her. Unfortunely this will most likely be a haul down a long road. As for the welfare fraud, be careful, because your husband may be admitting to living with her at the time of getting these welfare checks at another city and state, but the courts may think why are you just now turning her in, unless you was enjoying the money too. I just don't want to see you get bit twice! You sound as if you are a good person, and trying like the dickens to be good to a child that is not even yours. Hats off to you, and good luck!

Answer 3

Hello, I'm a step parent. I have 2 natural and 3 by marraige. I have been with my husband for almost 5 years now. My step children's mother is in the picture but doesn't follow the court order and rarely communicates with them. I can relate to you because when my step children come back from their visit during the summer they aren't the same individuals, that they were when they left.

It is very important to not talk negativily about the other parent or make comments that would offend your child. If you do, this will look poorly on your behalf and when this child goes up to see her mom, she will be brain washed by the negativity from the natural mother. A child generally loves both his/her parents and doesn't want to hear anything bad. If your child is aware of a court battle re: welfare fraud, it has caused division and looks like your putting an attack on her mother. So, most likely your child is not going to act so kindly to you.

In the case of the mother saying abuse you must talk with this child and inform her of the seriousness of making such accusations and note everything that is being said. If your not doing anything wrong you don't have anything to worry about.

Last but not least it would probably be in your childs best interest to get some counseling so, she can talk to someone other than family.

And for you, I wish you well. I want to let you know if you don't all ready. Step parents who are dealing with the x-parent are usually not appreciated at the given time. One day hopefully, when the child is older they will see the love and support that you have for them, I treat my step children like my own and spoil them rotten but they will always see past their natural parents faults and choose them before you.

Answer 4

It sounds very much as if this 'mother' is poisoning the child with malicious gossip about you both! Children are so protective of their mothers. Even the worse parents have children that feel it is their duty to protect them. You must be patient and not let her see how much it is bothering you and perhaps in your city there is some counseling that you can attend that will help in this matter.Doctor Phil wrote a very good book called family first and this may give you some ideas.

You sound like a very caring and loving mother and the road to step-parenting can be hard, but the two of you, you and your husband can be a winning team, with patience. I have been a step parent too and had good times and bad times and back and forth again. Try to not concentrate so hard on her acting up and get some games that are fun to play, set up the board and show her how much fun you are having. She might not play the first time, but little by little is the way it goes. Good luck!

Answer 5

She's entered puberty, this is the way pubescent girls are for the most part. She could also be having problems dealing with the fact that her father is taking her mother to court. Children tend to be loyal to their mother's and she sees her father as hurting her mother so naturally SHE is going to be hurt in the process. And actually at ten years old if she doesn't want to visit with her dad any longer all she has to do is tell the judge that she doesn't want to be with her father any longer. In most states by age 7 courts take into consideration a child's wishes concerning visitation/custody, the doesn't have to be any abuse mentioned. Just that she doesn't want to be with her father at this time. Considering the fact that he is taking her mother to court the judge just might understand her feelings and see things her way. I suggest your husband rethink taking the mother to court right now, it could backfire on him.

Answer 6

Go to court ASAP. It sounds as if your step-daughter is being negatively influenced by her mother to dislike you guys. Her mother may totally be manipulating the situation and making your step-daughter believe that you are the bad guys. Go to court and get the child some counseling... Mom sounds like a real loser.

Answer 7

Situations like yours can be hard on a child of any age. Who knows what her mother is telling her about you and her father. Be a second mother to her and just think of her best interests without holding anything against her because of her mother. Good luck.

Answer 8

Her mother is poisoning this child against you and her father. This is abuse! This woman is an unfit mother. I know, because that's what my mother did to me and my sisters each time we'd go visit our dad. She felt as if we were rejecting her and accepting him. She wanted us to take her side because she felt she made the bigger sacrifice by keeping us. She let us know on a daily basis too. We always felt horrible and torn. Seek full custody, as this woman is hurting this little girl very terribly.

Answer 9

Well why do yo think the child is upset when you're taking her mom to court? She is obviously upset you're trying to have her mom locked up for something that doesn't concern you. What do you stand to gain by taking her to court for welfare fraud??? Let the government handle that and you all should leave it alone....

Answer 10

It sounds like she is in the middle of a not so good situation. And it also sounds like maybe mom is telling her things and in a way brainwashing her. It is unfortunate that people do that to their own kids but it does happen. Don't give up on her and maybe if mom is out of the picture after court you can turn things around.
Good Luck to all of you.