Headed for divorce ? Blended family going bad?? My husband will not speak to me.?

Question

Ive been married 3 years I love my husband so much are life is great . The only thing we fight about is his daughter 9 and his mother who has pretty much raised her since 6 months of age. I have two daughters from my first marrage 8 & 5. We have a baby together age2. From the start the 9 year old and I did not bond. I tired very hard but gave up a few months ago. Also the 9 & 8 year olds hate each other.The 9 year old has gone to stay with her grandmother am not sure if she will stay for good or not. My in-law from day one will not talk things out with me about this little girl. My husband treats me like this is all my fault and am a horrable person. I do feel awful but I just can't bond with her, I have been trying for 3 years. We did go see a counclor who said everyone would open up and enjoy our new family , that was two years ago. I have tried one on one with the 9 year old going places. doing things, talking. But she reverts back to her grandmother also her real mom is not around.

Answer 1

Blended families are never easy, they take more work than the natural family. First off, your husband has to start having and showing respect to you as your his wife. It's not up to you to try to mother this 9 year old, but it is your job to try to understand what she is feeling, having to share her dad with another womans children. One thing is for sure and that is the family unit cannot survive if it's being held hostage by this 9 year old girl (also having a very unhelpful grandmother). It is not a pre-requisit that you "bond" with your husbands child, it may never ever happen, but you do have to have healthy boundaries concerning this child. I think that the councellor you all saw should have his/her liscence revoked for handing out bullshyt advice. There should have been much more communication between you and your now hubby prior to the marriage as you must have seen how hard it was going to be concerning his daughter's behaviour. YOur married now and you really need to get serious councelling concerning you and your husband and the united front that you dont have with each other. His daughter will not be balme free concerning all of this, she will have been the cracks and be using her behaviour to widen the gaps between you and your huband, so get some help ASAP. It is not going to be easy for you, but if his daughter comes back to live with you all, welcome her back but set boundaries within yourself such as what you will accept and what you wont. Concerning your 8 yr old and her not getting on, this is just an extension of what's happeneing across the board. Im wondering if what your saying about the grandmother is "she dosnt like you so won't get into thigns with you"? AT the end of the day, you and your husband need to get councelling so to clear the air and show a united front......everything will stem from this.

Answer 2

This is a pretty tough situation for this little girl. However, I can see that there is some respect issues at hand. Perhaps you are not holding your tounge enough when your husband speaks? She will see you disrespect her dad and she will follow suit. Perhaps he is treating his daughter as first in his life? This is out of the natural order of things. Wife always comes first, then children follow...natural order. He is blaming you, because you may have been disrespectful. I think you can evaluate your own behaviour as you are the adult. There should be no power struggle. I'm sorry for all your heartache, this is the very reason I'd rather stay in a stale marriage with good family bonds than try to 'fall in love' with a new man who may not care for my kids like their father and the new man's children will most likely never be loved like I love my own.

Answer 3

Being in a blended family can definitely be tough. I married my wife a few years ago and it took a bit for her daughters to warm up to me. I did what you did...the one on one time, trying to make the children feel special..and then we all went to a counselor. We stayed consistent with the counselor and eventually the girls started to open up to me. I just finished a step parent adoption (at rapidadoption.com) and now we are all very close. My advice is to stay open to her, be consistent and continue to see a counselor. If she reverts back to her grandma then let her, she is still her family. Give her some time and be very careful when disciplining the kids. Make sure each child is treated equally and fairly and that if they don't get along they both will be disciplined, etc. They will eventually get along.

Answer 4

I can relate!I've been married 14 years I'm the 1 talking about my 19 year old.My mother in law hated my guts until about a year ago.Stick to the way you feel.You are the adult stay the leader she will come around my st~son was raised with my husband mother hope she doesn't do the same damage.Now my mother in law doesn't understand either why her grandsons like this.She made him this way!!!!!!!!!!!!!Not angry. Just telling the truth.These grand parents should back away and let us raise our own children.We wanted to raise ours but she wasn't keeping out.Stop this now while you can &raise your children togther.

Answer 5

There's a saying that goes like this, once started right it also will end up right. I can see that there were pretty lot of emotional baggages between you and your present husband. This not only about you but its also about your husband. The best thing for you to do is to talk to your husband and try to work it out together without being judgemental . Let his ideas be heard and then be considerate enough to welcome any changes . Both of you should work as a team.

Answer 6

Sounds like the 9 year old is having a rough go. She has no mother
She shares her dad with his new woman
and her kids
and their kid...

I am not trying to sound rough here, but think of it from her perspective. She probably has no idea what hit her! And doesn't feel like she belongs.

You are the adult. Forget "trying" to bond with her. Just do it. Be one of the best things that is happening in her life instead of one of the worst. She is NINE!! You don't have to be friends with her, she needs someone who is on her side.
I hope it all works out for all of you.

Answer 7

NO you at the instant are not incorrect for this. no rely how long you have been married or in spite of the reason of the divorce there have been thoughts for there to be a relationship interior the 1st place and that they don't oftentimes go away over night. additionally your loved ones probably talks undesirable approximately him for the main area simply by fact they love you and are dissatisfied which you have been injury. they don't even understand they are inflicting you discomfort.

Answer 8

My best suggestion is to be more flexible and let the child grow up with her grandmother and you guys just be involve in her life. In these days, you have to be able to work out things with children, eventually they come around it make take some time but she will! Best of Luck! Enjoy your family!

Answer 9

You want to know what is really happening. The baby's mama jealousy syndrome. When something like this is happening, it means that their mother is feeding them backwards information. for example, the mother is telling them this: "If his new wife do anything to you, you let me know. I will go over ther and knock her out. She dont know me." Then the kids start ish, just to see rivalry.
My point is...What God put together, let no man put usunder. (Its in the bible) Go get your man!!! Dont be stupid like his other baby mamas did and let him go. That is your man!!! I REPEAT!!! THAT IS YOUR MAN!!! Do not let him go. You have to be strong enough to pull your family together. Keep your kids distant from his for a while when they come over. Let him spend time alone with them. I got so much i want to tell you but my hands are tired from typing, I wish you can email me.
In the meantime...Dont get no divorce. Everyone thinks divorce is the answer. ITS NOT

Answer 10

maybe someone is talking to her and putting things in her head. try getting her off to yourself and talk to her tell her you want to work things out and be a family. and how much fun it will be to have a real family.she may feel left out and afraid of getting hurt.put a day aside tell her that day is just for you and her ask her what she wants to do or where she wants to go. tell mother-in law to butt out if that doesn't work give her a good spanking and show her who is boss.