No sex going on for years. Is it time for an affair?

Question

Some will flame me. But though I love & respect my wife, the fire has gone out of our marriage and sex is non-existent. Even when it does happen on that one-in-a-blue-moon occasion, it feels soulless & devoid of any passion. It has been going on for more than 3yrs in a 7yr marriage. We have and love our kids. They take up her time, but mine as well. We have talked but it seems she has no time, energy or desire for me, & she often admits as much. It does not help that I try to eat right & stay fit while my wife does not.

She is in many ways a great wife, but w/o passion our relationship seems more like friends than husband &wife, and certainly not lovers.

On the one hand, I don't want to cheat. I do think it is disrespectful, of course. And I don't want to do anything to disrupt my marriage or hurt my kids.

On the other hand, I think lack of sex is a problem, and I cannot see myself going through the rest of my life like this.

Suggestions? Does anyone feel the same way?

Answer 1

My theory on marriage and cheating is this...anything your man wants in the bedroom, do it, or he will find someone else that will.

I often wonder why women "cut" their husband off and then get upset when they cheat.

Sex is a natural thing to do.

Answer 2

Don't have an affair. The chances are you will be found out, and even though your wife can't deny she has driven you to it, she will still react badly. She may even leave you, and you don't want that, do you?

You need to talk to her again. This time, be honest. Tell her that you are so desperate, you have been thinking seriously about having an affair. I know you find it hard to believe, but I suspect she does not realise just how much of an issue this is for you. If she has a low drive, then she has never felt the frustration you are feeling now, and can't understand it.

So you need to tell her, and don't hold back. First up, be sure to tell her you are committed to the marriage and that you will do anything not to hurt the kids, but then make sure you use words like "desperate". Say "I cannot face going through the rest of my life like this." You have to get through to her how serious this is.

She may agree to make more of an effort - but if she does, then you have to agree on a minimum acceptable frequency, say once a week. I know that sounds clinical, but if she objects, point out that if you don't set a standard, you're afraid that all you'll get will be twice a blue moon instead of once a blue moon. I really do think you need to be that direct.

You also need to promise to do better. If she dislikes it, is it because she has a low drive or is it because you're a lousy lover? It's not about fitness, power or stamina - women want sensitivity and patience. Face the possibility that it's partly your fault, and ask her to be honest. Ask for her help to make it more enjoyable for her. Do some research - there is plenty of information in Men Only and women's magazines, to start with!

Answer 3

It's sad that she has taken you for granted. She like most wives have lost their way by concentrating too much on their children and neglect their husbands' needs.

I suggest you take on the helm and do some planning and initiating. Plan a holiday away from home alone with her and try to ignite a spark in her. While away from the distractions of children etc, try doing romantic things with her. Since you will be alone with her, have candlelit dinners, strolls on the beach, shared jacuzzi soaks, slow dancing, buy her a jewelry gift, give her a back rub or both of you get a massage together.

Don't blame her for everything. It takes 2 to tango. Make it a point to have alone time with her and only her. You have to do the planning and initiating because obviously she isn't the type and neither were you. So try to change yourself first and gradually she will change with you. Women wants to be wooed even after marriage. Don't think you can neglect her and she will still show interest in you as before. I am guessing here, but when was the last time you bought her flowers or gifts? When was the last time you surprise her with something romantic? When was the last time you tell her you love her? When was the last time you took her out for a candlelit dinner, just the 2 of you? When was the last time you kissed her goodbye before you leave for work?
I'm sure she feels very unappreciated and neglected in the romance department.

Seeking sexual pleasure outside will not fill you up as wonderfully as seeking to nurture the love between the both of you which will last til the day you die. Both of you will be each other's soulmate and closest companion for life. The closeness you give or get from each other will be the greatest satisfaction and source of contentment. It will be much more compared to just being satisfied sexually by having affairs. Having affairs will just satisfy only one area of your soul but being close to your wife will take care of every need....... psychologically, emotionally and physically . You are more than just sex, and you need more than just sex. Try building something more meaningful with her than just searching to solve the sex problem.

Answer 4

This is tough. I can see why you have issues. You want to be true, but you're stuck with your needs. If only we had no sex drive... From your description, it looks like to me you've filled up the total space you can use when asking a question here. You may have other things to say. Seems people have said that you need to talk to her, but you say you have. Assuming you have done a lot of talking, I don't know what more can be done. You've vocalized your needs, and it seems like you have given her a chance (more?) to do so yourself. So I'm going to assume you have tried all attempts at finding an answer with your wife. I'm going to assume you have tried the romance, done what you can, been attentive to her needs, etc.

So what are your options?

First is divorce. That is for you to decide. There are legal, moral, religious and social issues that only you can decide if they fit you. Depending on what state you live in, this may be an easy process (or not). Hopefully you are in a no-fault state, otherwise it could get very messy.

Having an affair is not a very good answer. It may destroy your marriage. But it looks like it is already in trouble, so even a bad answer may be your only answer. I guess the only thing to tell you is to really examine what you really need. If you do need sex (and who would blame you), you should at least be discrete. You will have to be careful and find the right person. Make sure she's also discrete, and be sure and wear protection. Ideally, she'd be someone like you in the exact same position. And if you get caught? Well, I suppose it could be divorce, so you will be in the first position I mentioned. But now you will be at fault in most states.

You could also find someone who just wants sex for money or the like. Not necessarily a prostitute, but someone who can give you what you need for what they need. This seems like a risky game, though, from many angles.

There's always masturbation. I've heard that the Internet has porn on it. Who would have guessed? Of course, finding privacy to do this may be an issue for you. Plus, part of marriage means to have sex with your partner, so this route would seem to be a poor path to take.

Lastly, I hate to say this, but have you considered that she is already having an affair? I'm just bringing it up as a possibility. I hope I'm wrong, for your sake.

Whatever you do, good luck.

Answer 5

I would sit her down and tell her that this is really important to you. Tell her that even though you do not want to cheat, it is very hard not too without getting any sex from her. Maybe you guys can plan a one night a week get away from the kids etc....Does grandma live close by? You both need to make an effort or you are going to end up cheating and losing your wife, and the respect of your kids. Allot of spouses think at this stage the marriage is "comfortable" and don't really do anything to spice it up. You have both fallen into this. Try to do what it takes.

Answer 6

It is not time for an affair. If you love and respect your wife, you will not cheat on her. You need to do some serious counseling to find out why you guys haven't been intimate. Better yet, try asking ehr if there is anything she needs from you to be better. Try being more helpful around the house and with the children. Go out of your way to do the little things for her. Treat her as you would a Queen without asking her for any sex. Talk to her about the situation and she should come around. if not, try th counseling. if that doesn't work, maybe you guys should consider something else. I don't want to be the one to tell you to be miserable and stay around or to break up.

Answer 7

I think after awhile in relationships, both people are guilty of being complacent.

So, take steps to change that. Hire a babysitter (or a family member), for a weekend. Plan something special--a trip to the mountains, a stay at a bed and breakfast. Just something out of the ordinary. And really dwell on why you two are together. Kids do become the focus of the family, but they shouldn't. At a base level, it's still about you and your wife, as long as you make it like that.

Cheating will only serve to destroy your relationship. Choose to save your relationship instead.

Oh yeah--buy her flowers. It may not seem like much, but it'll make her day.

Answer 8

the kids take up her time so try giving her a hand do the house work now and again so that she will be more giving towards you
Hunny a cheating husband is not good and it is a sin so don't sin you will only hurt everyone around you yourself, your wife, your kids and when your wife finds out the kids will be alone cause your wife will be hurting and it will take the kids trust away its really not worth it for an hour or so of pleasure.... or even minutes...Give your wife a break in the house do fun stuff with her and your kids...and make love to her if she wasn't so tired she could really enjoy herself : )

Answer 9

No matter what, honor your marriage vows. You say you've tried to talk to your wife about the sex-less marriage, but I suggest you really make her listen this time. Tell her exactly what you posted in the question. You can't go on like this, you don't want to cheat; you need SEX! Go to counseling, if that doesnt send the message that you're serious, tell her you want a divorce. You shouldn't have to live like that. Obviously sex is important to you and if she can't see that, then maybe she doesn't care enough about you to even consider your feelings. I could never live in a sex-less marriage; and neither should you.

Answer 10

One sentence in your story gives you away. "It does not help that I try to eat right & stay fit while my wife does not."

That's nice. She bears the children and does who knows what else, but because she isn't a beauty queen for you, that makes it okay for you to go out and cheat.

Did it ever occur to you to make things easier for your wife so she can spend more time on herself? Do YOU make enough money that maybe a housekeeper can come in once or twice a week to help out?

When's the last time you showed your wife that she's desirable? You can't ignore or treat a woman like crap all the time and then expect her to be passionately aroused by you in bed.

Sorry bub, but it takes TWO to make a marriage succeed or fail and from your story I would say YOU are the miserable failure - not your out of shape wife.

Answer 11

How about communicating with your wife your needs?

Before you go off and destoy a marriage, think about what you're doing and what you can do to fix it.

Go for a second honeymoon.
Go see a sex therapist.
Go see a marriage therapist.
Go on a date every Friday.

Most of all though, TALK TO YOUR WIFE! Tell her how you feel. Also realize her opinion. I know you're both working and have obligations, but find time together.

Don't give up for sex. Talk to your wife and make it work.