Should i let her go?

Question

I have just found out that my wife to be loves another man. I confronted her and she says it is over and that she only got caught up on the moment and the what if factor? Should i just let her go and be happy....but i know she is happy with me too. I love her there is no doubt ...but i am hurt and really for the first time in my life not sure what to do. Can she really turn those feelings off....when she told him she couldn't??? serious answer only...and please don't call her names.

I should add she has never meet him...it was just over the internet

Answer 1

Maybe she is just scared of commitment and wants one last chance to see if she really loves you. I am sure she does. Just ride the wave and see what happens. If a bird flies and does not come back to you, set it free. She will have made a big mistake since you obviously love her.

Answer 2

Okay......... I'm one you should probably listen to... been there! You won't know. You could even be married in the future & then he pops up again & she still feels it!

Here's the deal, if she felt that somehow your relationship was not exactly what she needed, she felt hurt, you weren't living up to her expectaions, or she doesn't even know that something is missing, the automatic human bandaid is to fill that empty spot with something. Usually it is someone who has that trait, or does that thing. If she resents you for something you've done, her automatic feeling is to have feelings for someone else? That's bad!

You can love someone & make a mistake.... feel a temptaion... but if you never figure out the reason why you felt tempted, and fix it, you shouldn't go on in the relationship. If she gives you an I don't know why I felt that way, or did that, really, she's avoiding the most important thing in making a relationship work... communication. If she can't tell you why, you have a problem! Her answaer should have something to do with something you've done, or said that hurt, or something to do with what she needs... even if it's to feel attractive... low self esteem... even hidden, is a killer!

You cannot be in love with two at the same time unless ... if you put them together, they would be exactly what you need and want. If she settled for you, and you aren't what she's needing in completion, you could be in for her having affairs in your future marriage.

My answer would be to talk to her. See what she says, if you get no answers, walk away & find someone who loves you for you & you are all that she needs. Maybe she just needs some time to grow by herself & needs to get comfortable in her own skin. Most people don't really settle on who they are completely until the age of 25, or older. They might think, but they haven't decided yet that it's alright to be the way they are.

Been married and in love with another man because my husband hurt me so much, that I latched onto the only person who accepted me, and loved me for me. I was NOT the kind to have an affair! Funny how I found out we all look for that bandaid when we're hurt & ignored! He never knew how I felt because he didn't care... not that I never said, because I did! He never cared enough to listen! He never really loved me... he lied! I loved him until he hurt me so much that I couldn't any more.

Hope this helped!

.... your add in..... You never know with that kind of stuff! Over the internet doesn't mean she's never, or will never meet him. It just means she has to be more careful if she want to continue talking to him! It's possible to do so without you ever knowing! If she said she loves, or loved him though, I would still go with the asking her why she felt that way & needed that. I love my friends even the men...& say so... in front of my boyfriend. To love a friend & make sure they know how much they mean to you is very different, but these are not people I only know online! In fact, I've never said that even jokingly to a man online! I don't know if I'd trust her ... yet marry her.

Answer 3

Will you always be doubting if you can trust her? Will you hold this act against her in the future, can you forgive her? There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. This is a hard choice you have to make, it will affect your relationship forever if you decide to stay with her. It will also hurt if you choose to end it, but you must decide which will be best in the long run. Can you honestly trust her even if it hurts to let her go now? If she is so happy with you, why did she let this happen? (Get caught up in the moment?) You are a wonderful man and someone is out there who will not hurt you like this. Choose wisely my friend.

Answer 4

How do you know what she told him? Did she tell you or did you hear it from the other guy who probably said it to cause a rift between you two. I would make sure you have some time before the wedding and just see how it goes. Talk to her and tell her she has to make a choice- you can't be expected to wait in the wings while she straddles the fence and if she isn't over the ex and can't fully devote herself to you then don't get married. Give her a few days or so to think without pressuring her and then just do what feels right. Good Luck

Answer 5

I lived in a marriage for 17 years. So, I want you to know I am speaking from experience here.

If your wife was unhappy, or unsatisfied in some way enough to go seek out another man to try to fill a void, that void will still exist. Forgiving her will not cure her emptiness and eventually, she will go seek out someone else again.

The sad thing is that it will always happen more than one time. Statistically, over 40% of people (Oprah Winfrey Show statistics) cheat on their spouse. But, the big factor is that over 90% of cheaters will cheat again (Oprah Winfrey Show statistics).

It's very sad and I know you love her. I feel for you, really I do. It's awful what you are going through, because just because she is a cheater doesn't mean you can automatically turn off your feelings.

Some couples, through counseling and a close relationship with God, can get through an episode and can surpass it together, but it takes a drive, will and an expert who can help you two get to the bottom of what is causing this to happen.

Remember, men are logically driven and women are emotionally driven. She may have a lot of unsolved emotional issues that you are incapable of understanding. I can tell you, however, that if you sit down and discuss this with her, she will be more than willing to talk to you, and if you two can do this without a conflict...keeping an open mind at all times...it is the first step to renewal of the relationship. Then, hopefully, you can surpass it together.

I looked up "cheating partners" once. I got a list of reasons men cheat and reasons women cheat. They did a survey. Men cheat for various reasons such as :
A sexy woman is making eyes at him and is boosting his ego
Sexual reasons only, without any emotional ties
The relationship is over
Most of male reasons are sexually and ego driven.

Women's reasons, however, differed quite a bit and it may be of interest to you, such as:

Emotional dis-satisfaction in their current relationship, so they sought emotional comfort elsewhere.
Feeling unwanted, undesirable in the current relationship and the new guy made her feel desirable again
The marriage was over and they were looking, already, for the next guy, because they did not want to be alone

Women are emotional. You are logical. THE very best thing you can do is to understand her. To talk WITH her ( not "at" her ) and to listen to what she has to say. Do not let it go in one ear and out the other. Instead, as much as some of it may hurt, digest it and make some changes. Start worrying more about her emotional wellbeing than any other aspect of her and try to meet her in the middle, so you two can work this out.

When you entered this marriage, you did so in love, true love, and hopefully that love is still a strong enough bond to get you through this. Become that 10% and work it out...don't give up. But, keep in mind it takes TWO to work on a marriage, not just one individual.

Good luck! I wish you the best and I truly hope you two can surpass this together.

:o)

PS- I re-read the question and I did not see the words "to be" in there. I did not realize this was a wife to be. I am so sorry for you. If she is doing this, this early on in the relationship, it will most-likely not improve after you take marriage vows. I will, however, leave up my previous answer incase something in it helps you out. Again....good luck.

Answer 6

Probably the first thing to do is talk about what you say here with your wife, open and honest communication will let both of you know what is the best in this case.

I really doubt that you will find an answer here that will make you take so important decision.

Faithful is one of the most serius bases in a marriage, but as humans we all have our misstakes, you probably need question about yourself if you will be ok with the time about what she did and if you will forgett it with the time.

If you love her and she feels the same, why destroy a marriage,?

Many couples has to deal with this, and i believe that depends more of the level of trust that you are allowed to give it in the future.

Answer 7

You can't hold something that doesn't want to be held! Let her go, I know it's hard for you. I can hear it in what you write! When your not around and she doesn't "see" you she'll have to be the one to judge how she feels about you!{ whether or not she wants to be with you or not!} Give it some time , see what happens but don't sit around "thinking" that she'll be back! You have to think that she's not going to be, so it will be easier to let go if she doesn't! DOn't make yourself "available" to her, let her "miss" you! If she "misses; you bad enough and wants you back, hopefully she'll know before it's to late! Use this as "your" time! do things that "you" want to do! Just don't let yourself get involved in any relationship to soon until you are completely over this!Sometimes life just isn't fair!I think it's much better you found this out now than if you had actually married her, I know that doesn't make you feel any better but think what that would cause. Life goes on, time will tell!

Answer 8

She may be confused, ask her to clear her head and heart. probably a break would be the most sane thing to do...
You don't have to leave her forever or marry her, it doesn't have to be black or white...
I went through the same thing before i get married i had my doubts and deep inside i wanted to be more sure if getting married is what i really wanted, and i made a mistake, we got married and after a couple of years we got divorced.
So my advice would be don't pressure her or try to convince her that you are the one for her.
Give her some time, some space to clear her mind....

Good luck!

Answer 9

well i wouldn't recommend you run off and marry her just yet. now you have a trust issue with her. you don't know if you trust her 100% right now nor do you know if you will ever trust her 100% again. i would suggest that the two of you go see a marriage counselor even though you are not married they can still help you put these things in the past and help you move on together. hope this helps. good luck.

Answer 10

Well, did you catch her or did she tell you on her own? If you had to catch her before she confessed, you have to wonder if she ever would have told you or if you would have come home to divorce papers one day. People usually can't turn off strong feelings. Do you love her enough to forgive her and try again? Once trust is compromised, it is VERY difficult to start over. Good luck.