The first time he cheated they were just a couple, and she forgave him. Now they have a child together and she just found out he's up to his old tricks. Part of her agrees that she should kick him to the curb, but another part of her thinks she should stay together for their child, mainly because she's scared she can't do it alone. What's the right advice when I despise the jerk so much?
2006-09-19 09:31:27 · 20 answers · asked by omg_sotrue 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Well, your feelings aside, unfortunately we can't make choices for our friends, wouldn't that be great if we could!!!
You can assure her that you will be there for her, and tell her you understand how scary it will be raising the baby on her own, but people do it all the time and are very successful at it.
I understand she probably feels she loves this man, but she's probably better off without him. She deserves better than him, and with time she'll get it.
I just hope and pray she doesn't wait until he brings home some disease to her before she realizes he's lousy.
2006-09-19 09:38:37 · answer #1 · answered by Heather S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were her I would kick him to the curb because in the long run it will just hurt the baby more if she stays with him. It will hurt her more too. He will have to pay child support and I'm sure that you, her family, and her other friends will help her out. My dad was the same way and I wish that my mom would have gotten rid of him because I used to come home to her crying and she would make up some excuse but I would always know the real reason because I saw my dad with another woman. So I would get rid of him but I guess that that is up to your friend. Maybe you two should really sit down and talk about this. Good luck!
2006-09-19 09:35:40 · answer #2 · answered by ♥tinkerbell♥ 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The right advice is to stay out of it and let her make her own decisions. He cheated on her once and she forgave him and had his child and now he's cheating supposedly again so she stayed around for it to happen again.
Once he betrayed her trust the first time she should have made up her mind on just whose she is in a relationship with and you won't be able to say anything to her that would make her leave this person without making excuses for her reason for staying.
In these situations, we have to learn the hard way through the pains of life and learning that way sometimes make us smarter in the future in our personal relationships.
Sometimes, we blame the messenger which will be you instead of blaming the message so I say the best thing you can do as a friend is to keep your shoulder ready to be cried on and don't put her under pressure by giving her advise but let her know you will be there for her.
2006-09-19 09:46:21 · answer #3 · answered by words from the heart 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You NEVER, EVER stay together for the kid. She needs to respect the child and want better for his future. She CAN do it by herself. Children learn what love and relationships look like from their parents, if she wants better for her child when they are in adult relationships then she needs to do better for herself. Besides, children should not come with jobs...and this child would be assigned the job of keeping his family together...come on 50% of adults can't get that done, but a child should be able to carry that burden??? Its just not right.
This information is perfect for you friend, and it will tell her what she needs to know, have her answer these questions...truthfully and from them she will have her answer...
The first thing to do in a situation like this is realize there is a pattern to the healing process, first there is a lot of anger, second there may be a period when you have sex with your partner a lot in order to 'stake your claim' or win your partner back, then the real affects of what has happened set in and thats when you know whether it is something you can deal with or not. I didn't realize this and made mistakes and big decisions while still going through this process and they turned out to be the wrong decisions. I feel that if I had known about this pattern I could have seen things more clearly.
As far as continuing the relationship or not you first need to determine whether or not getting over it is something you should do. I saw 7 things that can help you determine this:
Is it an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? (including past relationships, even if its the first time they cheated on you has he cheated on others) ITS A PATTERN WITH THIS GUY
Do they own it (take full blame) or make excuses for why it happened?
Do they REALLY grasp the damage they have done to you and your relationship or do they just pay it lip service?
Are they sorry for the choice or just sorry that they got caught?
Are they willing to do what it takes to clean up the mess they made, whatever it takes and however long it takes? or do they want to deny it and move on?
Is it out of character for them or are they insenstive about other things too? (respects your feelings, treats you with dignity, etc)
Is it a legacy or a new behavior? did they grow up in a family where this happened? if its what they learned thats a big clue.
Once you've gone through these and IF you determine that the answers all favor a successful relationship then you take it one day a at a time, if its a history or a pattern you leave and realize that it is the idea of the relationship that you 'love' and not the reality, surely you don't define being loved as someone that devestates you emotionally and doesn't care that they did. Finally, there is a question for you, if you reinvest yourself in this relationship and they do cheat will you be able to handle it or would you be emotionally wiped out? Never invest more than you can afford to lose. You have a lot of thinking to do, but don't worry it WILL get better and you will be ok!
2006-09-19 09:39:06 · answer #4 · answered by dappersmom 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it's tricky...
she has a bond with him that you'll never understand. You should just give her the most objective words you can find. Let her know she has plenty of people who care for her and her baby, and wouldnt leave her out there to fend for herself.
Keep in mind taht phrase, "... it take a village to raise a child"
About his cheating, just let her know that his track record is a little shaky and that means taht she can only take small amounts of what he says as the truth. Let her knwo that shes beautiful, to you and everyone around her, and beautiful people deserve to be with other people who are just as beautiful... both inside out.
And unfortunately, if you have a mind to cheat and dont have regard for other's feelings, it makes for a very ugly individual on the inside. Dont point fingers or place blame.... give her all the variables (make sure to include that her baby seeing her as a happy and pleasant mommy is important and she wont be if shes stressed over wondering about homeboy's every move) , let her make her own decision, and stick by her after she's done that.
2006-09-19 09:40:50 · answer #5 · answered by MWD 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Only give advise when asked for it. If you go off on her about it it may turn around and bite you in the @$$. Be her friend and support her in whatever she decides. Leave it up to her to decide what to do though.
2006-09-19 09:35:06 · answer #6 · answered by gemone523 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is obviously a jerk for knocking her up before marrying her. What to say about her? She gets what she deserves. Her self esteem is so low because she lets him demean her. She needs to grow up and move on.
2006-09-19 09:49:44 · answer #7 · answered by dirkdiggler9999 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well she shouldn't stay with him just for the child because if they fight and everything it could affect the child she's just gonna have to learn to handle it on her own if the father isn't worth keeping around...he needs to pay her child support anyway
2006-09-19 09:36:55 · answer #8 · answered by KrIsTyN 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you'll help her with the baby and that she should drop the jerk like a hot potatoe!
2006-09-19 09:35:15 · answer #9 · answered by S. Elizabeth 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the best thing for ur friend to do is to sit him down....talk to him...discuss the problem, come to a conclusion.
ask him what he wants o rather needs...
if she sees he's a no good it's best for she leaves him for her n the baby,
wat if she becomes pregnant and he's still the same???with two children that will b a burden.
2006-09-19 09:49:02 · answer #10 · answered by iLoVeD&mE 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋