Why does it still hurt so much?

Question

Why does it hurt so much when your ex moves on so quickly? I divorced my husband because he had an affair. We were having problems that could have been fixed with counseling and more communication. He chose the easy way out.

He has moved on with the other woman. It has only been six months since we separated and ultimately divorced. He plans to move in with her soon. How can one person move on so quickly and the other take more time? I asked my ex once if he would have moved on so quickly if I had died? I know - it is not the same thing but after ten years of marriage it would be nice if he showed a little difficulty moving on.

Maybe it is because I feel as though the man I married is gone. I am grieving. Is this normal??

Answer 1

Oh absolutely there is a grieivng process very much like a death. It is actually a death of sorts...the death of a love that was supposed to last a lifetime. Please don't let his life hurt you so badly...these are choices he has made and unfortunately have affected you. He moved on long before your divorce, hon. He had more time to detach because he was the one doing it. Give yourself time to heal love's wounds and understand that if he was the love of your life then he'd still be there with you...so the real love of your life is still out there. You have so much to look forward to in a relationship with a man who truly loves and respects you...and believe me, when you find him, he's soooo worth it!! Best of luck to you, my friend. Don't give anymore of yourself to him...he's taken enough from you.

Answer 2

First of all, I think you are a wonderful person for being willing to "fix" everything with counseling and more communication after he had an affair.
Second I think it is very normal for you to be grieving over this situation.
Third no one, except him, could really know how he could move on so fast.
I think you really hit the nail on the head by saying, "He took the easy way out." I seriously doubt the relationship he is in will last as long as the one with you did.
It is very difficult to move on, but its very important that you do just that, when you feel as if you are ready. I wish you all the luck in the world. I have a good feeling you are going to meet a better man than he ever could be.

Answer 3

why does it hurt so much? well I think it is because you are letting it hurt you. I was married for 11years and 3 kids and last year by my own doing, i decided to leave him. He had cheated once and maybe again on me previously and I have done it at one point but I could not let go before. Yes I did the thing of the vows and the going to church and the whole nine yards. I had also did the putting myself on my knees, did the crying, the yelling, saying that i was the one who was bad and that i will change(as a matter of fact, I did the change). I became what I thought was good and the best but little by little i realize that i was loosing. i was loosing everything but most importantly my self esteem and he knew it. i ask for the divorce and all, i not only got a good smacking but i also the pschological view of never been able to find anyone and that i will go back to him. well i did not and here i am about 8months later and with someone now.
what i am trying to tell you is this, if you were the abuser or the condenming one, this is why he will be so cold and shallow about this situation but if you were like me, you need to get up and shake it off and realize that maybe he never loved you and he has done you and him a big favor to leave. See i look at him now and yes my ego is touched or will be touched if i hear that he is with someone else, but hey i keep on thinking that i have done something good by leaving because i knew there has to be no love anymore for me to reject all of my vows; specially when he is or was so willing to go with the attitude that i will be back. do not give him satisfaction now. make sure that he knows that it is ok (that will enrage him) and that you will be fine. do not let your ego get in the way, as this happened you loose any chance to get him back, which i hope you will not. take care because, if i could find someone with 3 kids in hand, you know you will move on and be beautiful and desired by another...

Answer 4

Yes it is normal to feel this way. And the worst of the hurt is have been replaced soo quickly. Believe me it will get easier. Is there anyone that you can talk to about this? A group or a good friend? Alot of people can move on very quickly and that is what hurts the most. Be strong and get out, take on a new hobby. Live again. In a while you will see you are a better person for it. Good luck. If you would like to chat, to have someone listen e-mail me ok.

Answer 5

Yeah....for women mostly this is the way it goes. Men....granted they have emotions and sometimes suffer as much as you do however he already had a relationship established on the side and was obviously deeply involved before the divorce.
I do find it rather amusing that you want him to have some difficulty too before moving on. Why? He's padded his life so any disappointment will be easily diverted by the other woman. Just wait. Your anger hasn't jelled yet. It will.
Besides...there's more to life than getting laid and he'll soon find this out. The grass always looks greener you know. Remember you run the risk of him deciding this broad wasn't all that he anticipated and he'll try to work his way back to you and ask for reconciliation.
Be wary. If he was unfaithful to you he will be to her. That's almost a sure bet. In the meantime take it slow. Women usually never bounce back quickly That's why you're all suspetible to being seduced by men bent on getting into your pants and taking advantage of your moment of weakness and misery to get alittle.
Actually...those are the men that should be horsewhipped for taking advantage of someone who in reality just needs some guidance and a shoulder to cry on and a hug. Not sex or romance. Just that contact of another person who is sympathetic to your problems.
Best of luck lady. Of course I can tell by your spelling, diction and mastery of the English language as well as sentence structure that you're no dummy. Unlike some of the dopes that populate this place.
My heart goes out to you and I'll make a voodoo doll of your ex and stick pins in it for the next few weeks if it'll make you happy.
Cheer up. There's a good and honest man out there for you. we aren't all pricks. Pardon my being so vulgar.

Answer 6

Yes, it's totally normal. But it sounds like he had moved on before you were separated; having an affair is a way of "moving on", running away from the problems in your relationship. Try not to focus on what he's doing nowadays... Focus on yourself instead. The truth is, the woman he's moving in with will soon be going through the same c*rap with him that you had just gone through. It may appear as if he had "moved on", but I betcha he hasn't changed his ways - and he's on the rebound too. Just take your time, stay busy, hang out with friends. It will hurt less and less as the days go by. Good luck.

Answer 7

Yes it's normal because for one, he was the one who betrayed u and now is moving on. Second, he had someone to fall back on right away and you're somehow wishing that he was also hurting like u. Just take it one day at a time and go thru the grieving process. In due time, u too will move on and hopefully with someone who deserves u. Then u will look back on this day and think to yourself how stupid it all had been.

Answer 8

yes girl this is very normal, seek the help and ears of a good friend or counselor. Get out in the world and get busy, not necessarily into a nother relationship, but out with friends and maybe volunteer in your community. It is a natural and normal part of the grieving process and time will lessen your pain, you may never have the answers you are looking for, he took those with him when he left, as hard as it is to say try your very best to move on, do not let him hold your life hostage for what he has done. leave the guilt and blame with him, you do not need to shoulder this alone. good luck and bless you.

Answer 9

I completely understand I went through the same thing when I got divorced from my husband he moved on real fast and had the woman living with him but I dealt with it and it was hard but since I took so much time to get myself ready to be in a relationship I am the one that is married again and is happy and he is all alone.

Good Luck
Things will get better.

Answer 10

I am sorry to hear about your story, but please be strong yourself and the time will heal you and yes men usually move faster than women, but your ex is little bit too fast! I had same feeling as you, and now I am suffering so much. I have been take a wonderful trip in China and feel just better now. I usually Keep me very busy by computers or photoshop or something else. Remember, the time will help you to move on. Good Lucky!