My fiance had a problem looking at porn and I caught him for the last time and we had it out. He explained to me that it has nothing to do with me (which was my fear), and that he just likes to look at it. On the other hand I explained to him why I don't like it and how it makes me feel and that I would go to counseling in order to fix the problem within myself that was causing me to feel so insecure and get so upset. Since I have been going to counseling ( a little over a month) he has given me full access to his computer to 'check' whenever I want, and sometimes I do and I didnt find anything. At the same time I am worried that he has gotten better at hiding it. SO my question is when do I stop worrying? When do I know that it's ok ? I get the feeling that he still feels as if he wasn't doing anything wrong even after he admitted lying to me about it? I just don't know when it's enough..
2006-09-19 08:28:09 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
It is okay to be upset about porn. It does have to do with your relationship.
I'm glad you went to therapy to work on your self esteem, but part of that should be to have boundries on what you find "okay" and what you don't.
He may be better at hiding the porn, or he could be using other avenues, such as Movies and magazines.
He may not feel like there is anything wrong with it, but if it is creating distance between you two (i.e. him lying, and you not being able to trust him) then it *IS* a problem.
It is good that he let you know it doesn't have anything to do with you. But at the same time he didn't take responsibility for his side of it. If you want him to stop looking at porn, I think you need to talk more about it.
If he still doesn't think it is a problem, then he is likely to keep looking when it pleases him, and hide it from you, to "prevent you from getting upset". Because he doesn't like to hurt you.
He *should* understand it is the looking that is doing the hurting. Not just knowing about it.
I'm a Christian, but I think this applies to everyone; If you are lusting after another person, you have already had infidelity of the heart.
It may be that he is unable to stop looking. Many men have looked at porn since their early teens and use it as a "self soothing" habbit, like drinking or drugs.
If he isn't able to stop looking, he may need help. It is actually pretty hard to avoid the "triggers" that cause men to crave porn, since sex is "sold" in our society so much. But if he is serious about regaining your trust he needs to change his actions, not just what he "tells" you he is doing.
You may not be able to stop worrying. Broken trust is hard to repair. If he has a genuine problem with porn, you may have no reason to even rebuild your trust. It will keep hurting until he stops.
If it is an addiction it could take a year or more to be completly free of it. It didn't develope over night, and it can't be extinguished that easy either.
Many people have to get rid of their internet connection at home. You have to find out what is the root cause of his looking, is it insecurity? etc. Then those issues have to be addressed (possibly HIM going to therapy). Then you also need to take away the temptation.
Just like an alcoholic, it isn't fair to expose them to the vice when they are in rehab, and for some time after. You may even need to limit "legit" forms of lite porn unti he can get a handle on it. Like not having Victoria's Secrets catalogs around.
Good luck, God Bless.
2006-09-19 08:44:11 · answer #1 · answered by Crystal Violet 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is it with all these females getting so riled about guys looking at porn? So what? Jesus. Would you rather he go out and search out some real action? maybe that'll give you all some food for thought.
Lay off. It's not "cheating". It's not harming your sex life is it? No...probably enhancing it but it's unnoticeable to you.
Let him alone. If he comes to you and suggests a threesome or that you perform with a Great Dane while he films it well then you can address this as you see fit. Until then get real. Quit digging around in his computer. See...my wife doesn't do that and we trust each other implicitly and always have.
Keep it up. You'll help kill the relationship with your petty jealousies. of course that would give you the perfect opportunity to come back here and ask why the relationship failed.
2006-09-19 15:35:48 · answer #2 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweety take heart in knowing your Hot,and the fact that men are going to look at porn even if they are married to the hottest girl in the world.I myself am a habitual woman lover I just cannot get enough of women.The shapes and sizes don't bug me, but what does is when a great looking woman starts to feel insecure.
Time to realize your a Goddess and you should be loved like one.
If he has the energy to keep you fulfilled and still keep looking then just join the fun.
2006-09-19 15:36:07 · answer #3 · answered by desayunogratis 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
his looking at porn has nothing to do with you ! You are not the center of the universe. They may be things that he finds exciting that he knows you would never participate in and he would never ask you to participate. Grow up....his looking at porn is not much different than you looking at shoes or whatever you look at for excitement. This whole porn thing is totally out of hand....and to see a professional over this says you need to get your act together better than you currently are.
Sex is normal ! It is not nasty or rude ! Having a problem with sex is a problem. Life itself is about sex. That is how we keep the human race going.
If you BF is meeting other people for sex...than that's a problem. In your writing, you never once mentioned that maybe the problem is yours, not his.
Your comment about his " getting better at hiding it" means the rest of his life will be miserable with a distrusting, frigid spouse.
You need to rethink this whole thing.
2006-09-19 15:39:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i do not like porn, but guys just seem to need it. what is to worry??? the girls on there he will never meet, never cheat on u with. personally i think u need to keep going to counseling to get over it and used to it. u need to stop worrying NOW. it was okay before. It's JUST porn. if it was male gay porn then I'd start worrying
2006-09-19 15:37:11 · answer #5 · answered by clueless_idiot 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if a guy is looking at porn and not doing anything behind your back then i don't see anything wrong with it..Its better that he does it and tells you then hiding it and not telling you..If you feel insecure about hI'm doing it then, maybe you should watch it with him too and make it something that you both will enjoy in time.im sure its not you like he says.alot of men and women look at porn.i do and my wife does too..nothing ashamed about it if you trust the person.
2006-09-19 15:33:38 · answer #6 · answered by Male Sicilian Trauma Nurse 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, aside from your insecurity (YOUR problem), his lying has damaged the trust between you ... looking at porn is no different than looking at art, its an art form known as erotica. while i dont really go for it personally, it really has nothing to do with the way he feels about you. you are making too much of it.
2006-09-19 15:34:50 · answer #7 · answered by casurfwatcher 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Looking at porn isn't wrong. Its not like he is cheating on you. Its a picture in a magazine or on a computer screen. He cant touch her and she cant touch him so what is the big deal???
2006-09-19 15:41:12 · answer #8 · answered by babygirl_k2001 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What's your issue w/ porn? I'm just asking. Dear I don't know one guy that doesn't look at some form of it. TV, magazines, computer...it's everywhere. Don't let it get to you. You're the one he wants to be with.
2006-09-19 15:34:23 · answer #9 · answered by bernie2u4 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that I have heard it can be an addiction, just like alcohol or drugs. do some research on that and trust him a little.
2006-09-19 15:36:11 · answer #10 · answered by hillbilly wife 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋