Should I leave my husband for anger problems?

Question

I moved to the United States 6 years ago from England to live with my current husband. But he has anger issues. He has never been physically abusive to me, he just yells and screams a lot, especially when things don’t go his way. When anything bad ever happens, he takes it out on me or my 2 boys (aged 16 and 18). The last 2 times he has gotten mad, the neighbours have called the police. He always tells me he wants divorce when I stick up for my kids when he is yelling at them for something they didn’t do. But then he tells me that he is sorry and he was only joking about the divorce. But the last time he went ballistic, I was in the shower getting ready for work at 5:30am and he started yelling at me through the shower curtain, and I don’t even know what was going on. He through in the divorce word again, so I told him I would give him one. He left for work and the police showed up. I asked them to call him and tell him to please stay at his mother’s house for awhile till I figured things out. I filled a suitcase for him and left it on the back steps. He came and picked it up and left. But then he called me saying he didn’t want to impose on anybody, so he was going to sleep in his car (and that made me feel bad about the whole situation). He also told me that he was sorry and he didn’t really want a divorce. He even told me he knows he needs to get some help for his anger, but I don’t know whether he means it or not. I mean, he can’t even commit to quitting smoking. Now I don’t know what to do. This is my third marriage. My fist husband was an abusive drunk. My second husband was just like the one I got now. And my 16 y/o son is terrified of him because he told us he was gay about a year ago, and my husband is homophobic, so he takes out a lot of anger on him sometimes. When he gets angry, his eyes get glossy and he screams so loud they can hear him down the street. He gets a look on his face like he just wants to kill you. He is a really good guy, but his anger overwhelms everything else about him. I really can’t even tell you whether or not I even love him anymore. Do you think I should just divorce him and move on? And maybe after the divorce, take my kids back to England where we have family, because we have nobody here? Or should I give him another chance, and try to make him get help for his anger, and stick to it? I feel so alone and have no clue what to do!

Also, can people really change? Is it really possible to to learn to control your anger when you are as bad as my husband?

Answer 1

nope

Answer 2

I will be very blunt. I would divorce him and take your children back to England. He sounds like he has seriously problems, and sometimes you just need to move on. Just be careful, he seems like he might be dangerous! (That's why England and being near family might be best.)

#1 - Your children come first. Your son is terrified of him. He needs to go.

#2 - He can't truly be a good guy if he acts like that. I have never met anyone who can be described as you described him ("his eyes get glossy and he screams so loud they can hear him down the street. He gets a look on his face like he just wants to kill you") and still be a great person.

#3 - If you are questioning whether of not you love him, you probably don't.

#4 - The sleeping in the car thing . . . he is trying to guilt-trip you and get his way.

#5 - People don't "joke" about divorce.

You deserve to be treated better. As do your children. Divorce is not fun or pleasant, but the life you are leading sounds miserable. Good luck.

Answer 3

Your husband is an idiot. he can't be a good guy if he has an anger problem. Boo-hoo....life never does go the way we want it does it? I mean...you think THIS is the way YOU wanted things to turn out after leaving Merry Olde England...and for this? Yet I don't hear you screaming at him at zero-dot-thirty in the morning about God-knows-what.
However...it's pretty obvious that when it comes to choosing men you are lousy in that respect. A drunk, an abuser and another abuser. Wow....I'd almost suspect you have a masochistic streak in you.
So...get a divorce for a 4th time. Do not remarry. Find the occasional male whom you develop a decent and trusting relationship with and make use of him for the occasional date, trip here or there and to satify your sexual needs when necessary. I mean I don't know what else to tell you. It appears that you have some strange attraction to these type of men. Surely there were signs long before you decided to commit in each of these relationships. I find it hard to believe otherwise...uless you jumped into marriage before really getting to know these guys.
besides....what will going back to England solve? Unless you really, really look long and hard at any guy you decide to hook up with it appears you'll suffer the same fate.

Answer 4

You need to leave that guy. Just reading about him scared me a bit. When it gets to the point where people have to call the police to make sure you are safe, it's time to pack up and get out.

He doesnt want you to leave because it sounds like he needs somebody to yell at- and you can your children are perfect targets. That's not healthy for anybody.

If he knows he has an anger problem he should have been seeking help way before the police got involved if he really wanted to make your relationship work.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

Answer 5

I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know it must be incredibly difficult to remain in a relationship with such an emotionally volatile man. And, sadly, even though it sounds like your husband feels ashamed of his behavior after-wards... he always reverts back to it when feeling emotional. It makes me wonder if he is perpetuating actions that he saw and experienced in his own childhood. Oftentimes people who are "screamers" in arguments heard their parents fighting that way as children and they just automatically repeat the same behavior whenever they feel upset or threatened. Maybe he doesn't know how to effectively express his emotions. Perhaps when he feels threatened or vulnerable he simply attacks (subconciously out of fear). He obviously can't be happy with himself and his behavior.

I understand that you're probably at the end of your rope (and ultimately only you can decide whether or not you want to stick it out and try to make this marriage work) but it sounds like your husband is too. It sounds like he could really benefit a great deal from anger management and counseling or therapy. And there is nothing wrong with couples therapy as well. You say that this is your 3rd marriage which would indicate that perhaps you might have carried some of your own baggage into this relationship and therefore might benefit from therapy as well. I am not at all saying that any of this is your fault... we have no way of knowing everything that happens in your household but perhaps you should try counseling instead of opting for divorce just yet. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse... (as long as he's not abusing you!) so I would exhaust all other options before bailing on your 3rd marriage.

Maybe your husband is feeling threatened that you're going to leave HIM... and therefore he threatens always that he's going to leave YOU. The whole "I'll get you before you get me" defensiveness. It's sad. He might not really be meaning to push you away but he is because subconsciously he fears you'll leave him...

Maybe check out these sites....

www.lightyourfire.com
www.drphil.com

Try therapy for a while and then go from there. Best wishes.

Answer 6

I would pack my bags and go back to England to be with your family. Get yourself and your boys away from that. You don't know, maybe one time he will take a swing at you or the kids. If he wants to change, tell him to get help and once he proves that he no longer has an anger problem, then you "may" get back together with him. You need separation right now. He needs a wake up call, so leave and don't look back.

Answer 7

Whenever my husband gets mad, he threatens to leave me knowing full well that I couldn't make it on my own. He is on the road a lot and if he gets mad while we're talking on the phone, he hangs up on me. I know that if I left him I would have to find out if I could get spousal support because he created so many bills for us that I could never pay them on my own. He's one of those who is never wrong in his eyes and hardly ever apologizes for his behavior. I told him that real men don't leave but he didn't respond to it one way or the other. He never talks mean to me to my face, it's always over the phone. He thinks just because he works several hours a day that any of my frustrations are unjustifed. He doesn't have an ailing family to take care of every day either like I do or a job where the boss and coworkers can be a bit of a problem on a daily basis. He can be a real jerk but in his eyes he is always right. Good Luck to you.

Answer 8

From your marriage history, i sense that you did not spend time getting to know the men in your life. Please correct me if im wrong, you are more inclined to follow your heart rather than your brain. By all accounts, you are in a dejavu as you said that your second husband is like your present husband. Isnt it logical to divorce him like you did your second husband? Your husband (present) is an emotionally abusive person. Not physically as you said, but abuse is ABUSE. He has not laid a hand on you...yet. Will you wait for that day? You have a responsibility towards your children who are exposed to this violent behavior which they may manifest later on in their lives. If your children chooses to be with you then take them to England where you have family. This will help them heal and you to move on. If in the future, you choose to re-marry, for the 4th time, then get to know the other person well before taking another plunge. Pray for guidance.

Answer 9

Dump that asshole - he's being emotionally and verbally abusive to you and your children.

He's obviously got some of his own issues to work out and it can't be expected for him to be mature and take his role as the father-figure of this household.

If he's loud enough that the neighbors are calling the police that is just insane and not right.

And as far as him saying "i was just kidding about the divorce thing" that's no excuse - people shouldn't kid like that and if he thinks that's FUNNY or just KIDDING around he's obviously not mature enough to make a good spouse for you.

You deserve better.

Answer 10

First of all , quitting smoking is harder than controlling your anger. Second , if you want him to quit smoking , he will become more agitated and angrier. So what I suggest you do is pack him another suitcase and tell him you'll take him back after he has gone through some anger management workshops.Otherwise , move on.

Answer 11

Wow, he sounds like a real basket case. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but as hard as it may be, I think you do need to leave him. Maybe he hasn't been physical yet, but that's not to say that he won't be someday. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior against your wife, and especially against her children. For your safety, for your children's safety, just for a non-miserable life, I think you should take your kid's and move back home. Somewhere where you'll never have to see him again.