Situation with in-laws, advice?

Question

Ok, this might be a little long. Here goes:

My FIL wants to keep my 4 month old son overnight. My husband is basically trying to badger me into doing it. My problem is this. This man has seen his grandson maybe 3 times since he was born. I also have a 6 year old son, who has yet to spend the night with FIL(grandpa).He has been to our house maybe 10 times since we've been married, which is going on 4 years. He wants us to always bring the kids to him or come to his house if we want to see him. I don't like the idea of dropping my son off with basically a total stranger(to him). But, I'm trying to find a way to say NO without sounding like a total b*tch. Any help?

I'm not breastfeeding. But, my big problem is that it never seemed like he really cared to come see either of them. He has a wife who tells him what to do. We've invited them over numerous times, but nothing. Then, he tells my husband how he WANTS to see them, so we should bring them over. I don't think that's right, if he wants to see them so bad, he would come over. I've brought up the fact that my baby wouldn't even know him, and invited him to come over some to get to know him. Baby is a mamas' boy, big time, since my husband works alot. And I'm actually not ready to be seperated overnight. It's not that I'm worried about my son being safe, I know FIL isn't that incompetent. It just upsets me that he doesn't feel the need to come see them, but wants to keep him overnight. There was a point that we were living 15 minutes away, and he never came over, even when my husband was sick with cancer. His wife controls him, but I think if he cared about his grandkids, he would come over.

I just feel like I'm going crazy. But the thing that set me off the most was when he came to my older sons' b-day party when baby was a month old. HE COULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT WE HAD NAMED HIM. I think he doesn't care, and my husband just says "he's my dad", like that's a reason to hand over the kids.

Answer 1

He is way too young to be away from his Mommy overnight. It's as simple as that. Your baby doesn't know your FIL. See if you can compromise. Start with a few hours in the afternoon to let your baby get used to him. My rule of thumb for babies is slow and easy transistioning into any new situation. Babies don't respond very well to sudden change. Explain that to your FIL, I'm hoping that he will understand that. If he doesn't then you have every excuse to be a b*tch. You are Mom and everyone needs to respect the fact that your decisions when it comes to your children must be respected no matter what their "opinion" may be.

Answer 2

Before anyone can answer your question accurately, you have to decide a few things:

One, are you concerned that your FIL is incapable of taking care of your son? A child's safety is not negotiable. If not, then on to the next question:

What are you really afraid of? Do you know why you are holding on so tightly to the notion that he is a stranger? When you are ready to allow him into your family, you will find that it takes a few baby steps to get started. Maybe your FIL is uncomfortable being around so many other people, or just feel more at ease in his own home. Some people definitely have that tendency. In either case, this may be a good way to get him more involved with your sons, but doing so one at a time may be less stressful, as you don't want to give him more than he can handle. I'm sure you would not disagree that children can be overwhelming. Talk with your husband some more about your concerns, and whether you can find a good compromise. If you don't discuss things ith him, you are more likely to come off as being closed-minded. Best of luck.

Answer 3

No No No No NO. Nip it in the bud now otherwise it will drive you crazy (been there hon and it's not nice being the bad ***). I think you'll just have to go the route of not comfortable with leaving the baby overnight, he's too young and I know it sounds like I'm concentrating on your newborn but it sound like that's all he's interested in. Bizarre, maybe he's trying to make up for lost time with your other child but...I really wouldn't do it. Stand your ground, you are your babies Mother and it's your decision.

Good luck with it all, it may take some time but don't do it to keep others happy as it will drive you mad and YOU will never survive the night let alone your children...

Answer 4

I had four babies and as a general rule I didn't let them out overnight before the age of at least six months.. and then only with someone that my child knows well..with a baby that young any number of things can happen... and the baby is just getting to know his parents...letting your child go can cause undue stress for your baby... try having several more visits with the fil as well as try letting him have the baby for a couple of hours a few times to let the baby get used to him and him to your son...another question is if your breast feeding or bottle feeding.. because formula has to be carefully prepared and breast milk has to heated just right... I would try the visits first so that you know what skills your FIL has so you feel more comfortable..

Answer 5

Just tell him the truth. You're uncomfortable with letting your young baby sleep away from you at the time and you'll have to wait till he's older and you're comfortable to consider it. You're not trying to be mean, but it's just your maternal instincts.

It's tough packing up for the baby to keep moving about, so if he can be sure to come by more often so the baby can get to know his grampa, that would be nice. Tell him you definitely want him to be a very important part of your lives, so if he doesn't mind you think everyone should be accommodating the baby right now until he's older.

You also don't want to separate the kids to say it's ok for the baby to go to gramps house and not the six year old. He's an adult, he should be understanding. You don't want the kid to think that anyone is playing favorites (even if they are).

Answer 6

There is no need to feel you are being a ***** just by trying to be a good mom.

What you have stated has raised up a few bad memories for me. If something was not bothering you about this invitation I don't think you would need to ask this question. Or maybe it is just a reason to join in on Yahoo answers. But notheless, I would advise you not to let the grandfather keep the baby overnight. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I didn't feel comfortable leaving my babies with my own mother much less my husband's father.

Answer 7

no way no how would i leave my 4 month old child over night with anyone no my own husband not my own mother. are you nursing because that would be a perfect excuse. you should not feel like you have to come up with reasons this is your son and if you dont feel comfortable leaving him with someone then that should be the end of the story and you should not have to explain this to your father in law tell your husband its not that you dont like his dad ( and dont say its because he's never around) tell him you wouldnt leave your son with anyone it would be gut wrenching for you that you wouldnt be able to sleep or enjoy yourslef explain how very important it is for a baby at this age to have a routine and to be comfortable to hear your voice when he wakes up. what will your father in law due if baby is crying for his mommie all night where will baby sleep why does he want an overnight visit? is it just that he wants to visit with baby or do you and your husband have something to do a particular night? if he just wants to visit with baby maybe drop him off if you can a couple hours during the day there is no need for an over night visit and its wrong of your husband and father in law to try and force you into it your baby it to young yet to be away from his home over night stand your ground.

Answer 8

I agree totally with you! For awhile you can use the excuse that you're just not ready to be seperated from him yet. My daughter is two and she hasn't spent the night with anyone. (Not for your reasons, but because I REALLY don't feel ready to be seperated) You might suggest him coming over more often and even leaving him to watch the kids while you do some outdoor chores or run an errand-- a short errand! That way you can build your trust up and get to know him a little better in your environment. Good luck!

Answer 9

Tell him the baby is too small now, it needs its mom and cannot be seperated from her for even half an hour. And if he still pesters you say a firm 'NO'. Ask him what he needs the four month old for when all that baby does now is wet nappies and cry for milk. Tell him that he is welcome to visit and see the baby any number of times in a day (if that is convenient to you). Tell your hubby that it is not a good idea to leave one's children with anyone especially with someone whom you are not comfortable. And I feel its ok if you sound like anything. After all you are the mother and you know what is best for your baby and older child.

Your FIL surely sounds wierd and strange to me!

Answer 10

Are you breastfeeding? That's the perfect excuse. Tell FIL that you don't want to use formula and you don't have enough BM stored in the freezer for an overnight trip.

If you're not, tell him that you're afraid that since your son doesn't know him very well that he wouldn't respond well to being left alone with him. The suggest that he come visit more so the boys can get to know him and they can spend the night in a few weeks.