What Am I doing wrong or am I?

Question

Hi all, I need help because I am at a crossroad here. I have a boyfriend that I have been in an intimate relationship over 2 years.
I think I found my husband, no I know know I found him. But we are having problems in the friend department. I have some friends that I have been cool with for a year or so....co-workers.
I am glad were are friends because I really didnt have too many.
We hang alot and have fun. But my boyfriend is from my hometown but he works out of state but not too far because we can drive back and forth to see each other, which we have. But he doesnt like the fact that my friends are single and they go out alot he thinks they dont respect our relationship, he doesnt mind us goin out but he doesnt like that we go bar-hopping, he says we should do something else. Because of his work I see him 2 or 3 times a month. I dont like how he wants all of my attention when he comes home even if I want to do something with my friends. Continuing on next line!!!

He thinks that my girls should understand that I am in a relationship and that I shouldnt do certain things that they do because they are single. I agree but I like my friends and he seems a bit controlling or are his request just things I should be abiding by? To sum it up he feels he should be put first before my friends because we are in a serious relationship.
What should I do?

Answer 1

Are you sure you want a husband who wants to control you?

Perhaps you should explain to him that whilst you appreciate his concerns, he really does have to start trusting you, and that no matter how much you love him, he doesn’t own you, and shouldn’t be telling you how to live !
(Sorry about the long sentence !!!)

Whilst I appreciate why he perhaps wouldn’t want you bar-hopping with the girls, and chatting up the guys, it is a case of you proving to him that you can be trusted, and for him to learn to trust you.
That ‘trust’ needs to be established, before you focus too much on him being your husband !!!

Answer 2

You should compromise. That's what a relationship is all about.
How would you like it if he went bar hopping with his single friends?
He has a good point. If you go out with a bunch of single girls, that are obviously looking to pick up guys, guys in the bar will think you're looking too. He has a right to be a bit insecure about that, especially if he only sees you a few times a month.

He's not controlling at all, just concerned, and with good reason

Answer 3

I would like to pose a few questions that might shed some light on your situation and let you find the answers on your own.

First, you only see your boyfriend 2 or 3 times a month and during those times you still want to go out with your friends? I would think that you would want to let him choose what to do with your time because you miss him and want to be with him while he is with you. I'm saying it this way because I am making the assumption that he is coming to your place and not the other way around.

Second, where do you plan to live if you two were to be married? Will you keep the same job? Will he? Does he live close enough to do his job?

Finally, did you ask him why he doesn't like you going out and bar hopping? He might actually have reasons behind all of that.

So just think about it a bit more and you might come up with the answer yourself.

Answer 4

You said you have found your future husband. You need to respect his wishes. There are so many problems that happen when single women go out to the bars. Your boyfriend might not understand because he doesn't want to lose you. He is a man and knows how men behave at bars. Your friends (if they truely are) should understand that and give you time to be with him when he is in town. Also, you said you only see him maybe 2 or 3 times a month, why can't you give him the attention he deserves? If you have a problem with this, then you should not marry him.

Answer 5

Yes, your friends should be put in 2nd place behind your guy, but yet he has no right in telling you where you can and cannot go. As long as you are with other women, having fun, then he shouldn't feel jealous at all. I could understand his point of view if it were men you were bar hopping with, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Best thing to do is explain to him that although you love him, you also need a life outside of your relationship, which is a very much healthy thing to do. And I'd also be telling him to get some friends also, or better yet, invite him along and introduce him to some other males. You can't spend 24/7 with eachother, you'll end up hating eachother if you do.

Answer 6

If you are in a serious relationship you shouldn't want to go Bar-Hopping! I agree with your husband 100% on that. I am sorry but bar hopping is a scene for singles and should be singles only.
If you go bar hopping with your friends (even if you are not going there to flirt or see other men) you are still putting yourself in a position to flirt, or to find someone you like.
I am sure if your friends took you out to eat, shopping, etc it would not be as bad. I would not even think about going to a bar since I am not single. I dont care what day and age this is... it is disrespectful to your significant other.
If you only see your husband for 2 or 3 times a month and you are not satisfied then you should really think about moving on. If you really love him then you would really want to spend all your time with him when he comes home since you dont see him that much during the month.
To me it seems you are not really commited to this relationship. You can see your friends all month long. When he comes through the door you should want to be with him. I dont want my husband to get an out of town job more or less an out of state job just for the fact I wont see him as much. I love him to much to be gone from him that long.
I am not trying to be rude or upsetting at all. I just think he is right with going out to the bar.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Hon, that is the first sign of him controlling you. Do not give in, because in the future it will only get worse. Do you honestly think he is not going out or going to bars wherever he is? He probably is. (or even doing more than that)
Usually when someone acts like that it is because they are guilty and push it on you to make you feel that way.
I have been through it before.
If he is telling you that you cant go out with your friends, that means he doesnt trust you. Your relationship wont go very far without trust.
I would keep an eye on what he is doing!
He sounds guilty to me.
I hope you find someone local who can give you the love and the trust you need.
Good luck

Answer 8

He is right. Your relationship should come first always. He needs to be your priority. Plus if you only see him 2-3 times a month why would you not want to be with him every second you can? You can still have your friends and go out, but if you do not make your relationship a priority now. You never will and the relationship will fail.

Answer 9

He is a bit controlling, but, at the same time, friends can get in the way of a marriage. They are single, and enjoy that life, when you go out bar hopping, there is always a chance that you might meet up with a guy, because thats is what your single friends are doing.

Hope I helped.

Answer 10

If you see your boyfriend only 2 or 3 times a month, you should devote those few days a month entirely to him. Sounds like your putting your friends ahead of him. Doesn't look like you're ready for a serious relationship. If you don't want to devote time to him, then maybe you should let him go and give him the opportunity to find someone that will.