How Can I Tell People I Am Gay...? Especially My Parents...?

Question

I separated from my wife a while back. We married when I was nineteen, I am twenty-six now. I have secretly been looking for a way out without my parents asking odd questions for a while now.

She ended up pregnant, and the child is defiantly not mine, since it has been a LONG time since we had sex, and the child's (who was born recently) race proved it also. So easy way out, without my parents suspicion.

But I am tried of lying to them, I spent years lying to myself, and hated it. Finally I have mostly accepted it, but I am scared of EVER telling ANYONE. Even my best friend, who I think will accept me, as he is bi.

I am still trying to deal with accepting myself a bit, as I have not completely still...

By the way, from what I have said, would you call me evil...?

Answer 1

You will probably find that most people know you are gay already. You sound like a nice bloke. To bring up another mans child is one hell of a responsibility. You deserve to be happy now. Your bi best friend will totally understand where you are coming from. Tell your parents and I am sure they will come to terms with it and as I said they probably already know. I hope whatever happens, you find happiness. Lifes to short to be miserable! X

Answer 2

Well.... Seems you have a lot to deal with and being gay is only a part of it. But since that's the issue you asked about, here's my advice....

Being gay is neither an illness nor anything to be ashamed of. It's who you are.... Therefore the people around you, who you love, deserve to know the real you. Now this isn't easy, but the first time you tell someone (and your bi friend seems a good place to start) it will feel like a weight off your mind, the second person will be easier and so on... As for your parents, they only need to know if and when you find someone that is to be part of your life. They may be shocked but if they really love you they'll accept it over time....
You might be a shirt lifter, but you'll still be their Son.... Any help?

Answer 3

First of all Tim, you are NOT evil. You're just a bloke that likes the same sex. Simple as that.

It took me until I was 37 to come out to my folks as I was **** scared too. But it came to point in my life that not coming out was making me really low and I needed to do something about it. The only way I dealt with it was this - if I told the people I love and care about who and what I am and they all rejected me, would I have the mental strength to walk away and start a new and honest life ? If you could, then by telling the people that matter who then in turn accept and love you for what you are, it's a bonus, not a disappointment.

Fortunately, all the people I've told have been brilliant - some guessed beforehand, some were surprised but ultimately, all have said, "Who cares what you are, we still love you all the same !"

Never rush in and throw open the doors like Diana Ross in the Chain Reaction video and shout out "I'm gay" and expect everyone to come clapping and shaking your hand. It doesn't work like that and you will get your fingers burnt. Sensitivity and timing is the key.

Oh, and if you tell one, go on a roll and tell others very shortly. You don't want fear to let you come to a halt in coming out.

Hope all works out well for you Tim and the best in what you achieve in life.

Answer 4

Dear Timothy

Telling your parents. How many people have you already come out to? Anybody? Try coming out to some close friends first, and perhaps to an authority figure, on a need to know basis, somebody like your doctor. You will find that after you've come out to a few people you will be more confident about yourself.
Then try coming out to your mother first. Make sure both you and her are somewhere where you feel safe. Use words she understands and try and look at her in the eyes while you tell her.
Be responsive to her feelings but also let her know that the situation is quite irreversible. Say that you love her very much and that you will always be her son, whatever. Tell her you wanted to tell her first because you're not sure how your Dad would react.
Tell her that you're going to tell Dad on a particular day and that you'd like her to be there. In that way you make her a partner.
Most mothers will be to some extent disappointed because they're not going to see grandchildren, but on the other hand they want to see you happy as well.
Give her a big hug, and a few tears would not go amiss either.

Answer 5

Hi, i was terrified of telling people. Even a close friend who has a lesbian couple as some of her closest friends' -fear isn't alaways logical!
What I found after I came out to everyone, that people knowing who I really was, was so much better than the stress of living a secrect. It felt like for years I had been walking around in the wrong size shoes and had just taken them off. I hadn't realised what a relief it would be. There are lots of great organisations out there who offer help and support for just this sort of thing. I am not sure where you live but LGBT Switchboard in the UK offer a friendly ear about anything. If you do a web search for LGBT organisations in your area I am sure you will find something helpful.
Don't feel daunted. You only need to tell one person and it really gives you confidence. PLEASE tell your BI best friend. They will totally understand and help you to tell other people. Everyone I told was like "yeah we totally knew that already!"
My parent's were not as easy so leave yours till you are more comfortable with your sexuality and have built up a gay social life and supportive friends. The more time you spend 'out' the more comfortable you will become in your own skin. You are not Evil, and you could argue, that your wife having a child that couldn't possibly be yours and providing you with any easy way out of the marriage, was the universe's way of saying "go for it-be who you really are-it's ok!"

Answer 6

No, you're not evil. Since you have been married and probably living on your own I think it's safe to assume that you are financially stable enough to support yourself so no worries there. Tell your friend first, it may seem hard at first but it really isn't. The fact that he is bi will make it much easier than telling a straight person. I came out to a gal friend of mine who is bi and I was scared out of my mind at first but as the conversation went along I felt much better about it. She even had already figured it out and was just waiting for me to tell her so that may be the case with some of the people around you. Either tell your parents both at the same time, or if you do it one at a time tell your mother first. Usually the parent that is the same sex of the child feels the most responsiblity/guilt for your being gay, even though it wasn't their fault at all. Tell your mother first and she can kind of drop hints here and there to your father. You know how parents are. They know their children, and they talk about them. They will love you unconditionally, though they may or may not accept it at first, give them time. It's taken you this long to be happy with yourself so if they need time, let them have it. Just make sure you let them know that you are always their son and that you will love them no matter what.

Answer 7

well u can either wallow in self pitty or get out there and find someone u really love. if u do let looks get to u it's what underneath the cover of the book. i.e. personailly, attitude, but the looks r also very imoprotant. me it's hard for me to keep friends cuz it's hard for me to tell them my family is gay and i ain't. yep u heard it most of all my family gay and the family's friends are too. Do what i do when i inturdece a friend to my family. bring them over on a good day. then say mom dad tis is my friend ????????. and hope that ur parents don't freak--just jokeing start talking about what all u and ur singificant other have in common with out coming dirrectly out and saying that ur gay. then over time if u go to a party take him wit u. going to a family gatrhering take him along also. don't be afaid to show him off a little to the world by saying look this is the man i love. and if u parents ask u about it don't what ever u do beat around the bush it just makes it worse.

Well i hope i have answered ur qusetion. LOVE LOTS and many HAPPY BLESSING

Answer 8

For starters you're NOT evil! I had the same problem when I was 19. I didn't accept myself, didn't tell anyone. Finally when I became 20, my heart and brain told me that I'm right. That I must accept who I am, because it's not wrong, and it's not "abnormal". Besides it wasn't my decision, neither it's yours, to be gay or bi, because you're born this way. I had no interest in women and girls whatsoever since I was child, in a time where I didn't even know the meaning of the word "sex".
I started by telling my roommate, he's straight. He was a little surprised, but told me he was OK with it. So that give me a push to make it more public. When my vacation came, I went straight to my parents and told them. They didn't want to talk to me for over 2 months, until finally they accepted the truth that I cannot change who I am. They still don't like it, but they're coping. Most of my friends stood by my side, and I knew who are my real friends. I suggest you do the same, go straight to your friend and tell him, and the fact he's bi will make it much easier for you. Then go straight ahead and tell your parents, but be gentle, say it slowly and calmly, with high self-esteem and self-trust. Tell them you cannot change yourself by just 'pressing a button'.

Good Luck

Answer 9

You are not evil, just confused about your sexuality. The first place to begin is too accept for yourself who & what you are, and to feel proud about it. The second step, is accepting that there is nothing wrong with being gay, many people are gay and that there is both advantages & disadavantages of being this way, just like with everything else. The best way to tell other people about your sexuality is just to say it - just like that - come out with it. Much to your surprise you'll feel a sense of relief and also you soon realise how accepting people can be, especially if you are honest. The same will apply to your parents, if they cant love you as a gay person who is totally happy with himself, then I guess they have issues to sort out within themselves and this is not your fault. I would say, just be yourself & be happy with it. The alternative way, ie: keeping quiet about it - is rather painful. Good Luck.

Answer 10

no i wouldn't call you evil. maybe u shudn't tell your parents until u fully accept your sexuality cos how can other peple accept it if you dont fully accept it.
When you have over come that hurdle you can tell your parents stright out or introduce your partner slowly.I told my parents straight out i sat them down and said 'i'm gay' its the hardest thing ive done in my life but i wouldn't change the way i came out. I think because i got it all off my chest at once then it was up to them to accept me. It took, time but they have. I also didn't feel like I was lying to them.
u do what your most comfortable with. But what ever you do 'be happy n take care'.