What can I do to make this paper sound better?

Question

I have just completed my english paper and I wonder if there is anything that I can do to make it sound better? And if you can find those nasty sentence fragments please tell me!

I posted the paper in my blog since its a rather long paper.I posted my blog adress below. The blog is for the purpose of me posting homework so please dont worry about visiting the blog :D

Go to http://alexander-e-davis.blogspot.com/

Thank you :P

Its due today :P So any help is greatly appreciated I spell checked it like 15 times.

Answer 1

it is "exciting", not "exiting"

it is "different" for me ... "different" culture sounds repetitive

I would introduce paragraphs to separate the themes / ideas.

I would start with the positive things, it tends to be easier on the reader.

Instead of "there are a few things that bother me", I'd say something like "there are also some aspects I like less", which would implicitly refer to the previous paragraph, about the good things.

you don't say "greater rate of racism", but "much stronger racism".

From a European point of view you've got a couple other bothersome things: very high violence / murder rate (multiples of Germany's rates); very high teenage pregnancy rate (easily 10x higher than in Germany) because the topic is mostly taboo so no one tells teenagers about safe sex or contraception; very high social inequalities which partly cause violence; vastly overpopulated and numerous prisons; very poor public transport including barely any trains when in Germany you can cross the country easily and rapidly. Etc.

it's not "mayor", it's "major".

I would not abruptly start a paragraph about Germany when you've just spoken about the U.S. without some introductory form, such as "what about Germany?", or "How is Germany different?"

while it is true that low-end jobs will be much better paid in Germany (remember most U.S. states don't even have a minimum wage law, and where there is one it is around 4.50 an hour...), on the other hand any high-end job tends to be much, much better paid in the US.

You use "Germany" too much, quite repetitive. "I spent 15 years of my life living there" could be better. You don't need to repeat "Germany" once more after Bitburg.

Again, it's "major", not "mayor".

I would give the name of the beer brand produced in Bitburg ("Bitburger"?)

It is "machines", not "maschines" (you clearly didn't spell check that part).

For my taste, and maybe a teacher's taste, you spend too much time talking about smoking and drinking - this may be important to you, but to someone reading a paper about Germany, they'll be more curious about cultural stuff, or things from everyday life, rather than where you can buy cigarettes.

Good luck

a

Answer 2

Just particularly focus to make a precaucous check to indent,revise and spell check practicaly over your english paper!

Answer 3

I can help you with the sentencing, paragraphing, spelling, etc. As for the content....that's all you. It has a lot of info. Thnx.

Answer 4

ur paper is utter bollocks, be ready for D grade