Why can't my step child be nice to her dad and me?

Question

I have be stepping for the past two years, every other weekend, and the older my 10 years old step child gets the more withdrawn she is to her father and myself. I have no children of my owe so I do not know if this is the way 10 year old children acts.

We are not talking to the mother who is my husbands ex girl friend, in fact next Monday we are taking the mother to court for Welfare fraud which is over $40 K. While they were living together for six years the mother had welfare sent to another address in another city and county. All my husband and I want to do is to love this ten year old child, and teach her honesty, respect, and be a good person in society. Last week the child told us her mother said if she does not want to visit her dad and me any more, all she needs to do is say she is being abuse and she will never need to come over to her dad's home again. In the first year, the child was loving and close to us but as closer the court date gets closer the child gets more distance to us. We have NEVER spoken negative about her mother, and we have not told her what is going with the welfare fraud and the restraining order. The child knows that we love her, although we have house rules in our home. I grow up with a step father

Answer 1

You and your husband probably live a different life style and have different rules than her mother. She is a child and is confused because of going back and forth and probably doesn't feel like you or her dad know her. I mean really know who she is inside. It is very common!!! Not knowing your situation it is hard to give workable advice but if I were you I would communicate more with her mother and become friends. (It is very possible if you try.) Your step daughter probably feels she is having to choose if the two of you don't get along. And believe me the mama always wins. It's just nature and really if you think about it that's the way it should be. I honestly think the only way to resolve this issue is to become closer to her mother so she will not feel such a burden on herself. She's a child and probably doesn't understand why she is acting or feeling the way she is. It's not her fault. That's what happens in broken homes. I know first hand. Good luck to you and God bless you and your family!

Answer 2

Well, look at it from her point of view. Her family was torn apart, very much against her will. She wanted mom and dad to get together again (common fantasy). Dad marries someone else (you). She doesn't have just one home, she has to constantly adjust between two. Not only does she have to "like" whomever mommy brings home but she's got to "like" daddy's new wife. On top of that she's approaching her teen years. She is very unhappy with the cards that life has dealt her and she, probably, has no one to talk to. You do the math.
You could probably go a long way to making her feel like she is actually a part of at least one family (she probably feels like an outsider at both homes) if you would talk to her and say something like this: "I notice that you sometimes look unhappy when you are with daddy and me. Is it because you think daddy likes me better and isn't as concerned with you anymore? Do you think that maybe he thinks that he doesn't want you around anymore? That he just wants to be alone with me all the time? I want you to know that that isn't true. I know he loves you because he tells me all the time how special you are. He looks forward to seeing you and would be unhappy if you didn't come over. I can never take the same place in his heart as you. Don't ever think that I want to. He has special feelings for me, it's true, but you are his daughter and he will never love anyone else the way he loves you." Rephase this to fit your own situation, of course. Leave out phases that don't work, put in some that you feel are more "real". Don't lie to her. This is just an idea for something to say. Try to feel what she feels. How would you feel if you were in a situation like this?

Answer 3

Depends on the child.

She could be maturing earlier then others and is going through the awkward Female Growing stages that she wont talk to her dad about and not going to talk to her step mom about either.

Or

She could be feeling pressure from her mom about liking her dad more, or liking her new step mom more than she does her real mother.(stranger things have happened-never rule anything out until it is proved to not be the cause.)

Or

She could feel left out. Maybe dad needs to spend some time with just her. maybe she is feeling that he doesn't love her anymore, and the extra alone time for the two of them would help bring her around to the idea of a second family of her own.

It could be lots of things. Hopefully your husband and his ex-wife are on good enough terms that he could ask her if there is anything going on there or get her input on what is going on in your house with the daughter. If all else fails, resort to a counselor. It is never money wasted to find out that everything is fine, but it would be a waste to not have her checked out and something bad should happen.

Answer 4

1. She may be resentful towards you two for the situation. At one time, she had the "family" of both her mother and her father. She may blame him for the divorce, and that will fall on you too. She may also be mad about it since she's getting old enough to understand more about how adult relationships work.

2. She may just be starting puberty. At the pre-teen age, most kids start to pull away from their parents, and in this case, step-parents. She's just trying to find her own way, and be her own person. Until she figures that out, don't expect to have a loving relationship with her.

In either case, just be as patient and loving as you can. Try to think about how you would feel if you were her. Try to remember how you felt at the same age when your body started changing, and you developed hormones. It's not an easy time for kids, and you can only support them. The more you push, the further away she will pull.

Answer 5

properly its obtrusive that the mummy whom the newborn is residing with isn't coaching the newborn the golden rules of existence, so therefor once you in user-friendly terms get the newborn for visitation, issues grow to be greater durable for you. while mothers and fathers cut up up and there are youngsters in contact, issues do no longer constantly look to artwork in direction of the convenience of the newborn. Be the final you'll be to her and on a similar time as you have her for visitation, in simple terms keep telling her you adore her and handbook her the final way you are able to interior the small volume of time which you have her. Unfortunely this might maximum possibly be a haul down an prolonged highway. As for the welfare fraud, be careful, because of the fact your husband may well be admitting to residing along with her on the time of having those welfare exams at yet another city and state, however the courts could think of why are you in user-friendly terms now turning her in, except you grew to become into taking area in the money too. I do in simple terms no longer want to work out you get bit two times! You sound as in case you're a stable guy or woman, and attempting like the dickens to be stable to a newborn that's no longer even yours. Hats off to you, and stable luck!

Answer 6

I have a six year old stepdaughter and we have her every other week...and I have the same problem that you have...our solution is that in three years we are buying a sailboat and she can come stay on it with us in the summer when she doesn't have school.

Answer 7

Because he remarried and her parents created this unideal situation of being a human ping pong. Give her time and be very understanding.

Answer 8

are you being nice to your step children ? you have been taking their dad and now you want them to be nice to you? start giving than you have already taken, thy will be nice to you tow

Answer 9

It's all about insecurity.