My boyfriend can be very good (loving, attentive, gentle etc.) but also very bad (abusive, intimidating, blaming etc.) and I've stayed because I keep sight of the good and forgive the bad. However, I've caught him out with 4 big lies now. After the 3rd lie 2 months ago, I left, saying he had eroded my trust and ruined the relationship but he begged on his knees for another chance to show I can trust him. He's told 2 little and one massive lie since then. Whenever he's lied, he keeps up the elaborate stories until confronted with evidence. Since the breakup, I haven't shown the evidence so he has maintained the lies. Is it worth showing my hand anymore and confront him? I feel like he will always lie until confronted and it's hard to keep stumbling across facts that show up his lies. Why is it so hard for him to tell the truth, when I keep saying I won't judge him or get angry. Am I wrong to be so angry about this? I feel sad deciding to end this for good. Am I being hasty? Impulsive?
2006-09-18 17:20:33 · 23 answers · asked by noodlemcgoo 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Believe it or not this actually says just as much about YOU as him. The fact that it took that many lies for you to finally end it and now you're coming here asking for opinions reallys tells me quite a bit about you. Since people attract what they are it's time to look in the mirror. A healthy, mature woman very rarely even lets ONE lie go (assuming it's a major one). And when I say "mature" I don't mean old. I've met mature 20 year olds and very emotionally immature 50 year old women. I'm talking about a different kind of maturity.
The fact that he was "abusive, initmidating, blaming, etc." and you chose to "forgive" and focus on the "positive" is NOT a healthy attitude. I seriously recommend you getting some therapy, not because there is anything wrong with you, but because you really need to learn that these kinds of behaviors are not acceptable. It took a lot of his bad behavior to really inundate you before you finally decided to end it. Sadly, many women stay with these kinds of men until it's too late.
I'm concerned that you are here asking for confirmation or maybe you're doubting yourself and you want to go back to him. Let me make this very easy for you as someone who has coached hundreds of women of all ages: YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.
Ok.
Whew!
He has clearly shown his character and in ANY kind of relationship (business, romantic, friendship, family) character is everything. If I lent my sister 5,000 to help pay her mortgage for 2 months and she promised to pay me back in one year and two yeras later she has not paid me back even though she has the money in the bank...then that says something about her CHARACTER. Too often people use rationalization to rationalize unreasonable behavior. "Well, it was only the first time he hit me..." or "He promised he would never cheat on me again.." and women believe these lies because they are focusing on the good things that the man provides them. But usually they are focusing on the NEEDS that he is meeting, at least from their perception, which may or may not be healthy.
You've caught him in "4 big lies".
You KNOW his character.
You did the right thing.
He is not even someone I would stay friends with. It's time to move on, move forward, and stay single for at least 6 to 12 months while you get some help to find out why you accepted this kind of behavior for so long.
My 2 cents,
Rod
2006-09-18 17:30:43 · answer #1 · answered by thedatepro 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If he's lying to you now, he'll continue to lie to you until he matures to the point that lies will make him uncomfortable. That may take a long time, or he may never ever mature to that degree. You be the judge whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone so insecure and immature he has to lie about anything at all. Also, why would you want to stay with him if he's abusive. Abusive males only get more and more so. They frequently kill because of their abusive attitudes. Ask yourself whether you'd want you children subjected to his attitudes and actions.
2006-09-18 17:26:49 · answer #2 · answered by quietwalker 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You mentioned that one of his bad qualities is that he's abusive-- this is a sign that this is an unhealthy relationship. Never stay with an abusive guy no matter how "nice" he is to you occasionally.
If he's been lying, then you really should leave him. Trust is a basic component of any relationship. If you don't have trust, then the relationship can't last.
You deserve better than this liar. Leave him and go find a guy who is honest and will treat you right!
2006-09-18 17:38:27 · answer #3 · answered by Natasha 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If I was you I owuld not want to be lied to. I have been lied to before also. That is a tough decision for you to make. Even if you do confront him this time, who's to say there won't be another time. Depending on the severity of what he's lying about he doesn't seem like a trustworthy guy. You should be with someone who is honest with you.
2006-09-18 17:24:35 · answer #4 · answered by ms. fix-it 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It could just be the shock of the divorce.. if you love someone (and especially if you have been married) you will always have that something for them.. he could come crawling back who knows.. but if he does you have to concider - do you want him back as he left you for his ex - do you cut him out of your life for good.. but the baby factor is an issue.. he has to know... he needs the option wheter he wants to bond with his own child or is going to be a coward and walk away. This child could make him see what an idiot hes been, but could also make him run further. Even though he said stay away, he has to no about his unborn child.. cause if he was a good father figure to your child, he should be to his own... also if you dont tell him because he said stay away... an he finds out off someone else, he could hate you for it and your child may grow up without a father... which could come back to haunt you years down the line. your choice hunnie, hope i helped.
2016-03-27 08:28:50 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The answer depends on how you intend to spend the rest of your life.
He is not going to change without professional help - neither will you with your enabling behavior.
Why should he believe you won't judge him and get angry when your whole note is that?
Get counseling if you want to make a go of this thing.
2006-09-18 17:26:57 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not a doctor but, he sounds like a pathological liar to me. He will lie the rest of his life. Also, you say he is abusive. Leave him and do not go back. He will ruin your life. Run for it.
2006-09-18 17:27:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sound like my brother..he lies to make him self look good and to blame others..He try's to act intimidating...But I know he is mostly talk..He does not realize that I know that..But your boyfriend will contunie to lie...no matter what...so you need to let him go now before he will end up and hurting you even more..than he already has...And you have right to be mad at him..
Good Luck To You
2006-09-18 17:29:04 · answer #8 · answered by hononegah1988 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think you know the answer to this one. You pointed out all his faults yet made an excuse for it all. Leave him!!! I use to work in a domestic violence shelter and your story is not too different from the women I worked with.
I wish you the best.
2006-09-18 17:26:08 · answer #9 · answered by CuteCaribChic 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
HEY GIRL DONT PUT YOUR SELF DOWN LIKE THAT ITS OK YOU SHOULDNT BE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS ALWAYS LYING AND WHO IS ABUSIVE EVEN IF YOU LOVE HIM THINK ABOUT IT GIRL WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BEING LIED TO AND HAVIN YOUR *** KICKED I KNOW I WOULDN'T HES NOT WORTH IT NO MATTER HOW NICE HE CAN BE HE A LIER AND SOUNDS TO ME LIKE HE ALWAYS WILL BE SO JUST LET HIM GO FOR GOOD DONT TAKE HM BACK NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE PROMISE TO TELL THE TRUTH FOR NOW ON
2006-09-18 17:28:39 · answer #10 · answered by mrs.sl33py 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋