Can you make a marriage work after an affair?

Question

My husband had an affair 4 months after I had our 3rd baby, which was his much longed for 1st son. We also have 2 girls aged 3 and 5. I want to know if anyone else has been able to make their marriage work after an affair. If so, how on earth do you be at peace with all the hurt and anger. I still love him, I wish I didn't, but I have come to realise that you just cannot turn off your feelings like a switch. But yet you cannot ignore the reality either. Should you make a marriage work for the sake of your kids or should you do what is best for you?

Answer 1

Honey, first of all you need to be honest with yourself. You asked if you should stay together for the children, or you should do what is best for you. It's not two different options, it's one in the same. You still love this man and you want this to work. If you didn't, he'd be gone...kids or no kids. My husband cheated on me a little over 8 yrs ago. We are still together, but it took me close to three years before I could put it behind me. He didn't just betray me, he stole my hopes and my dreams. He took my world, turned it upside down and then shook the crap out of it. I was devastated, much like I'm sure you are. Depending upon what kind of person you are, you can work this out. In order to do that, you have to understand why the affair happened in the first place. This means your husband is going to have to be an open book and answer every question you have. Sure, it's going to hurt to hear it, but you need to. It'll let you know if it was just a selfish, lustfull thing on his part (which is usually not able to be worked out and often repeated), or there were serious underlying problems that the two of you refused to deal with that led him to stray. Once you do that, grieve and come to terms with what happened. That perfect family you thought you had....didn't exist honey. Those "I love you's", weren't meant. Tear it all down and start all over. It's a pain staking process, and it takes alot of patience, understanding and cooperation from the both of you to make this work....but it can be done....If you are both on the same page, and you both want this with your heart and soul. Love can conquer many things, but it does not conquer all. You also need to remember that not every man will cheat again. Mine hasn't, nor would he. In fact, his affair brought us closer together. We hide nothing and our communication has improved ten fold. We are the best of friends and I trust him whole heartedly. You can have that too. Just take your time sweetie. Things like this, take years to rebuild. It's not something you get over in a matter of months. So if the two of you are willing to do this, then I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

the problem is that what is best for you in this matter is what is best for your children also, if you are unhappy in this matter it will show and affect your children as well. Try to make it work if you feel you can, but it will be very hard for both of you. He will have to regain your trust, you will have to learn to trust him as well. This will be the hardest thing you two will have to do. Without trust there can be no love. Considering the children you should try to make it work, but if it dosen't it will be worse for the children and for you to be in that kind of a situation. He needs to tell you why he did it, maybe there was a reason. Find out what the reason was if there was, because it will repeat itself if the problem is not resolved. You may never trust him again. Think about it, when he goes on a buisness trip or something like that you will always be wondering in the back of your head if he's cheating if the trust is not regained. This is the biggest problem! You're in a pickle hun, ask if you need more advice.

Answer 3

It would depend on the circumstances behind the affair.

If it was a short fling or one night stand, and not a lasting relationship, then I think that I would do my best to forgive him and work on our marriage. Not just for the kids (although they are a big factor here) but also for the sake of my sanity. I couldn't in good conscience leave him for one mistake, even though it was the biggest one. If he admits to his mistake, and does his best to make it up to you by whatever means necessary, then give him a chance. You admit that you still love him, so you shouldn't throw that away. The hurt will fade, the trust can be rebuilt.

I suggest that the two of you seek outside help. Whether it's a clergy member, a therapist, or a psychologist, they can help you to figure out what will be best for you. Make sure you explore all of your feelings and thoughts before you decide.

Answer 4

Been there - done that - actually, doing that. I was consumed with resentment and I felt betrayed. One place I found some comfort was my Max lucado Inspirational Study Bible. I hadn't picked it up in years. I am not a very religious person, but very spiritual....anyway, there are some commentary pages on gorgiveness, resentment,and suffering that really spoke to me. Then last week a friend gave me a book called "The Five Love languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. It made so much sense to me in my situation. These are 2 books that really gave me peace, because I was being consumed by what he did to me, but you know what? I finally decided that this is a burden he created for himself. It should not be my burden. I know firmly that what goes around comes around and karma will come back and bite him in the butt. All I have to do is wait. I feel that some of is retribution will be in the form of his own conscience. Unless these men are sociopaths or something, they do have a conscience and know right from wrong and they will carry around a burden until they have made it right. I have small children too and the main reason I am still here is them. You will move mountains for your children. You are not alone. Be strong. : )

Answer 5

It's all going to be up to u and your husband's willingness to work on your marriage. Realize that if u decide to stay, it will take a long time to trust him again and if your husband is not doing his part in helping u regain that trust, it's going to take even longer. I believe that time heals all pain but how much time that takes depends on the person. If u both still love each other, I say make it work. Go to marriage counseling if u have to. Just realize that just as it's hard to just turn off your feelings for him, it's going to take a long time to trust him again. Good luck.

Answer 6

Don't ever stay with someone just for the kids sake. That is why it is called visitation. You need to do what's best for you. My husband cheated on me. He did it the first time and I forgave him and guess what he did it again.I will say there are some men that won't do it again but I truly feel that if you forgive them they figure they got off easy and it just makes it that much easier for them to feel they can do it again. What gets me is how he could do that to you and his kids. I'll tell you if you stay with him you can always forgive but you will never forget. The hurt will be there for a long time and it will always be in the back of your mind what he did to you. And every time your with him sexually your gonna picture him with her. I would say you do what's best for you and your kids. don't stay with him because of the kids,because if you can't get over this and your not happy your kids will see it and it will affect them also. And you also don't want your kids growing up thinking that it's ok to stay in a marriage where you get cheated on. I wish you the best of luck and if needed you can email me if you need someone to talk to who's been through this situation before.

Answer 7

You shouldn't just be married for the kids b/c they will sense it and it will affect them in more ways then you know (trust me I know). But if the two of you are willing to make the marriage work despite his affair then it will take years of counseling, forgiveness on your part, and learning to trust again. It won't be an overnight process getting back to where you were b4 the affair; however, if you wanna make it work it's worth the investment.

I really wish you the best in this situation.

Answer 8

Alot depends on whether you feel he will do it again. It's possible that a guy could realize what he risked losing and regret it. It's also possible he will do it again. Try to work things out for awhile. Unfortunately, you will never forget the hurt. Too bad spouses don't think of that before they cheat. Chin up. Maybe it will still work. I hope so.

Answer 9

I believe it's much, much too easy to forgive but too hard to forget.It's a test of how much you can endure and wiling to sacrifice to save a marriage.His infidelity would bother you for a long time, it's like a wound that will keep on getting deep the moment you scratch it.You are the best gauge of his sincerity having been together for sometime. Assess it and if he's worth to be given a change, give it and let the healing hand of time and love take its course.

Answer 10

I think that if you still love him .....you have to options forget about what he did but really forget it not to mention it again ever in your life so u can forget and start a real life a new life ..or just forget about him, if you pick the first option do not do it from one day to the other he needs to know how hurt you are ...and also you need to have your rules now ...it was so painful what happen and you do not want it happen again right ...so try to make him understand that you need a time to think about it ...and enjoy life smile because your kids are feeling everything