Can you have it both ways? Which way should 'win'?

Question

Can you love someone... and be friends with them... and still hate their guts??!!
My husband does that to me. I hate him for so many reasons, but when it comes to our 'routine' stuff, we get along great. I have had stress and ulcer and crying jags, wishing to leave... but then...
Do I really hate him? Do I really love him? Am I a glutton for punishment? Or just a person that doesn't have a spine to leave. I'm trying to get a clue here. Thanks for any honest comments.

Been/done... Married 19 (parents dead for 11) Been to counceling two different times. He sees nothing wrong, but that's what a controlling guy would say. I see some promising answers so far. Things to add to my list to think about.

Not to rebutt your answers but, he has been emotionally abusive. I have child issues and the Youth services ladies that come by have SEEN him kick me (to shut up) and to otherwise verbally control me or take me down. I should leave... so my problem is, why won't I? I know it's 'duh' question, but seriously, I think I might be even more terrified of the unknown future if I leave.

Answer 1

Sounds a lot like my life!! I was married for 10 years--legally seperated for the past 6. But I have lived with him and my son for financial reasons (I'm broke).There is a book called "No Visible Wounds". It's so wonderful and after you read it, I promise you WILL know if he is emotionally abusive. Please try to find it!!!My parents are also gone(both died 17 years ago) and it is awful not having their support. I wish you luck, get that book--it will help you make the right decision!

Answer 2

Marriage is a test. You've got 2 people sharing the same space, sometimes they love each other, sometimes they can't stand each other...and those emotions can happen in the time span of 10 minutes. You just roll with it. I think it's perfectly normal to have such a range of emotions. If you have the expectation that you are supposed to ALWAYS love that other person 24/7, you're going to make yourself sick with disappointment.

WAIT...now you've added details about being physically abused. That changes EVERYTHING. Do not stay in an abusive relationship. You're future on your own may be scary, but at least whatever happens is up to you. If you stay, you know what your future will be.

Answer 3

Ask your self, "Why do I hate my husband?" Is he abusive, annoying, rude, obnoxious, or what? It is strange that you get along with routine stuff but don't when you have time together. Most people fight because life is too routine. I would suggest writing the reasons you hate your husband and asking yourself why. Keep on asking why until you cannot anymore. By doing this, you will understand yourself better and perhaps think of ways to improve your relationship. I always suggest marital counseling. Unless there is cheating or abuse, don't give up on your marriage. You married this guy for a reason. Try to remember what made you fall in love with your husband and what changed.

Answer 4

You won't be finding those answers here. You have to search your heart and soul. Just the fact that you asked this question tells me you have issues in the marriage. Sometimes people can become 'habit' so to speak, comfort, things you are used to... There is a fine love between love and hate. I would suggest some close honest conversations with your husband.. the "are you happy" conversations.. and go from there. No point in both of you living miserably for another 10 years if the marriage is not to be..

Answer 5

Sounds familiar...so don't feel ashamed. Maybe you hate him because you love him and that's why you can't leave. What did he do that makes you want to leave? evaluate that, so you can make the right decision. Is there's abuse or you just fight over stupid stuff? do you still find him attractive? does he satisfy you?. You do have a spine, your heart is the problem . Men sometimes are like horses, maybe he just needs some training. If he's abusive then move on, if he isn't only you can decide. Good luck.

Answer 6

Whats the saying "theres a thin line between love and hate".. no i dont think u really hate him.. i think he may do things that u hate, but i dont think u hate him, as im sure theres things about u that he hates that u do .. sounds to me u have issues , and perhaps u should go see a counselor to actually figure out whats going on with in yourself.. because i believe if u were truely with out a doubt unhappy, u would of left, and the fact that u say ur routine stuff u get along great with and the fact that u can see him as a friend... tells me u dont hate him.. Im kinda wondering if possibly ur going through depression and ur so angry inside that its carrying over into ur relationship. sometimes that does happen and u dont even realize its happening.. so maybe u should see someone and try to figure out what exactly is going on inside of u..

Answer 7

In my case, I loved them but couldn't deal with their issues, which they then wanted to become my issues. I finally had to sit down and figure out what I could live with and what I couldn't live with.
As someone else said,it gets to be a habit being with someone.
If you have had stress, ulcers and crying jags dealing with it, it is definitely time to sit down with him and try to get it ironed out between the two of you. It sounds as if you love him, but hate some of the things he does. If you and he are willing to bend a little, you might be able to work it out.
If you have tried talking to him, depending on the issues, then it may be time to reevaluate whether you want to continue the rest of your life in this way. The first step is the hardest.
Best of luck

Answer 8

sounds like you have a love hate relationship. I have been there when you love someone so much but, hate them too. You have to ask yourself what you would do with out them, can you picture yourself in five years without them? Or do you see your future with them? good luck. Oh I chose to leave and have never been happier, I still miss him at times but, realize now that it never would of worked out.

Answer 9

it's normal to have hate and anger and love in a relationship ,but you may be have some other issues that you are not dealing with , so try to deal with your other pr obs and you will figure out if you love him or not .do what you think is best for you and take care girl

Answer 10

It's that way for a lot of people. The good thing about you is that you are able to live with him BUT, are you willing to put up with it for the rest of your life? Are you willing to be this way forever? Think long and hard and come up with the pro's and con's.