I know men are visually stimulated creatures. I am smart enough to know that I am not the only naked woman my husband wants to see for the rest of his life. I always promised myself that I wouldn't make a big deal out of porn as long as it didn't affect his intimacy with me. I recently discovered that my husband has been looking at porn A LOT, even going so far as to create a "secret" email account used to create identities to dating websites. When confronted, he said that he felt like we just don't see each other anymore (we typically have sex once a week at the least), and didn't want to bother me to wake me up when he was "in the mood" (I get up at 4am for work). He also claimed that some of the sites he visited were out of curiousity; what this and that celebrity looked like naked. I am trying not to make a big deal about this but can't shake the feeling that he is thinking about anyone but me when we are making love, and am hurt by the secrecy of the email. Am I stupid?
2006-09-18 11:33:25 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I wasn't given enough space originally to add that I have told him before to have Playboy around the house, I actually DO enjoy porn and have showed him a catalog and asked him to pick stuff out. THIS is why the sneaking around has hurt; I've never forbade porn or made guilt tripped him for enjoying it.
2006-09-18 14:53:43 · update #1
if all men had their way, we would have sex about 5 times a day.
and you are not around enough
yes.....you are very stupid
2006-09-18 11:37:18 · answer #1 · answered by Daniel 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
No , you've got a serious situation.There are many different reasons for this. It is sad when marrieds have different needs. This starts when a mans needs are not met. too many rejections usually ends up in a totally sexless marriage.
There is a simple cure, if it's not too late. there are times when a man may not even want sex , but an orgasm will help him sleep. There are fast and easy ways to accomplish this.
There was a song called "if I were your woman." Shes got it right. He should never go to sleep with a full load.
If you have decided that there is a night that you have set aside to have sex, that's fine , make sure you stick to it.
You need to have him fantasizing about you. because these porn pics may turn into real women. you have the power and you know what to do. When you see him going to the computer, tell him you want to show him something in the bedroom.
You'll sleep better with a return favor as well.
2006-09-18 18:55:17 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You're definitely not stupid. I have always believed that all matters sexual should be confined to a marriage. What your husband is doing is definitely not right. He shouldn't be looking at pornography, and the fact that he goes as far as creating a secret e-mail account to hide his 'cyber-cheating' from you should set off some red flags. If he is willing to do that behind your back, there is probably a risk that he may have an affair sometime in the future. A lot of pornography within a marriage is not healthy. I would suggest that you try seeing a marriage counselor to determine why your husband feels the need to look at pornography, and the steps he can take to reduce his addiction. At any rate, don't ignore the problem. A healthy sexual relationship with a loving wife is all the sex a man was designed to need. His wedding vows stated that he would 'forsake all others' for you. If he is going on secret dating sites, he is not respecting that promise he made.
2006-09-18 18:42:24 · answer #3 · answered by jsprplc2006 4 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I don't think you're stupid. On the one hand, I don't think it's a big deal if a guy wants to look at porn every once in a while. But for someone to have this secret obsession with it, spend a lot of time on it, and actually go through trouble of creating "secret accounts" and all that - I would feel it was a bit over the top. And I certainly would not feel it was appropriate for someone involved in a relationship to go as far as creating identities on dating websites. I don't think you're stupid at all, I think you're being very reasonable.
2006-09-18 18:42:59 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
No you're not stupid, read the answers above that agree with me, too lazy to write why....ahhh screw it...I've answered this question many times but here goes:
Sex is SUPPOSED to be about LOVE between a man and a woman and also for babies right? When you look at porn, you are giving into your LUST which is all good and all but guess what? It desentisizes you to the opposite sex and teaches you to be selfish. That only YOU can satisfy your sexual desires (when you masturbate to it that is)!
Another good thing to keep in mind is that porn can turn into an ADDICTION! That is NOT a healthy thing at all! He will have a harder time getting off when having sex with you because all he can think about is man, I wish I was doing something super kinky like that ho in the porn video!
Also, it's pretty obvious that in your partners mind, that porn is pretty taboo! He's hiding it from you so yeah, he does have a conscience but he's just not listening to it.
Anyway, yes, porn is going to affect your intimacy with your husband in an adverse way. My 2 cents.
Check out the website below:
2006-09-18 18:55:13 · answer #5 · answered by Rivrav 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Rivrav said it all really well, I agree with him 100%
First rule of being a wife to a guy with a porn problem: DO NOT LET HIM BLAME YOU! Chances are this is something he got into long before he even knew you existed, and he's playing the blame you card, to get you to feel bad enough to let him keep doing it.
Second rule: Cut off the internet in the house. Seriously - it's hard, but it helps a lot.
You both know it's bad for the marriage, have a serious talk about it, and get him professional help if he's at the level of addiction.
Good luck
2006-09-18 19:24:34 · answer #6 · answered by daisyk 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You blame the porn but there's probably something else going on here. You wake up at 4am which means you go to sleep very early as well. I'm guessing he doesn't work the same schedule and stays up later. This is the real problem. He wants intimacy, he wants sex, and he wants erotic energy.
The secret email address and surfing the dating sites is a problem. He's looking for attention from other women. The porn is just porn. He doesn't have sex with you and probably uses it to masturbate.
The solution? Get on the same schedule. Either you need to alter your work schedule (unlikely) or he needs to alter his sleep schedule. Why can't he come to get with you? Why can't you have your couples-intimate-time every night? Take him to bed with you...
2006-09-18 19:19:01 · answer #7 · answered by Michael 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you're definitely not stupid. The feeling that he is thinking about anyone but you when you are making love is undoubtedly incorrect but is very understandable. But that's not the whole problem is it? The story about not wanting to wake you up is hooey, in my view, and is just an excuse that's not easily refuted. And the "curiosity" story is laughable too. It would be much more comforting to me if he'd just say he LOVES PORN. I'd be concerned about the secrecy of the email account very much. That would bother me a lot. Like a whole lot of things in life, (not to mention politics) you've got a problem without all the facts.
2006-09-18 18:43:56 · answer #8 · answered by DelK 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You are not stupid. But you may be worrying about it more than necessary. i don't know your husband so it hard to say. Porn is all about women with hot bodies having hard core sex with men who are in the movie just because of the size of their penis. Much larger than most men. After the magic moment, as he reaches for the paper towels. He realizes whoa, This women took three guys with mini firehoses at the same time. Reality sets in, he now wishes instantly there was a ball game on and two of his buddies are there with beer..CLICK , porno off, next case.
I have nerver met or even heard of a guy watching a porn flick from beginning to end..Thats the easy part, the harder part is for you to maybe be more open and develope a little bit of a wild side to share with him. Not always easy when both of you lead busy lives..Sex with a little sizzle with someone you truly love is a gift from god. enjoy it
2006-09-18 18:58:41 · answer #9 · answered by Patrick C 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No, you are not stupid. Men are visually stimulated, and I know many women who have a hard time understanding. Check out "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" by Shaunti Feldhah, and "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker.
Pornography is an addiction - your husband needs help.
2006-09-18 18:44:30 · answer #10 · answered by A Tiger in Athens 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Wait it out.
When I first found porn on the web, it was like a new candy store. But it got old. Every now and then I go back and check out what's new.
Sit down with him and find out what he likes. If he's a leg man, get outfits that show them off and heels that you couldn't walk 10 feet in (you're not going to be wearing them out of the bed much). If he's a b*** man get some lacy thongs, if he likes whats up front get a figure enhancing bra.
Men do tend to like variety so create variety with differnt outfits, differnt makeup, wigs, etc etc.
You could be more fun than the web.
2006-09-18 18:47:12 · answer #11 · answered by mt_hopper 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋