Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Question

My husband is gone now. I gave him 200%. Trying to show him he could trust me, that i loved him, that no one on earth was more desirable. He sucked the life out of me slowly. He pulled me away from my kids, my family, the things i loved, to convince me that without him i was nothing. i am an independant woman, and i think never forgetting that is the only thing that helped me keep a sane head on my shoulders. After a year of research, his projection of the bad in his life onto my shoulders, i discovered the disease of NPD.
My Question: Any of you faithful readers ever dealt with this? Did you give them your all, just to be knocked in the dirt? How do you make them deal with their sickness? Can you turn the tables and take their control from them? Can you make them realize that they lost the best love they ever could have had? What did you do in your own personal experience? I am in the grieving process, and it is hard. I want to know i can hold my head up someday.

I know i cannot diagnose. But i feel so sure of this with all of my heart. And he told me that he would never be wrong, and no conselor would tell him so...thanx for the input.

Answer 1

Yep, the thing is, these people follow exact patterns. Everything you wrote happened to me too.
Exactly.
It was like living with a 2-year old who controlled the bank account. I ended it with the jackhole because he was NEVER SATISFIED WITH ANYTHING I ever said, did, felt, made, created, accomplished, etc.!!
He then immediately moved in with some other woman and hasn't changed at all. She now "loves" him and is welcome to him! I'm MUCH happier. He continued to "stalk" me and cause me problems and even went to far as to have his new GF-and her kids- post trash about me online. THIS from the guy who said I was his sole reason for living?? He was moved in with another woman within 90 days!!!! Saying the SAME things to her!
When you finally get rid of the jerk, it's like a headache has finally stopped pounding. It takes time to recover from their insanity because you feel like you have been hit with a ton of bricks. but it's GREAT to be free of him. My life is WONDERFUL now that he's out of it. Seriously, every day I thank God I got away from him.
There's no way you can deal with them or make them change- they are perfect, and it's all your fault, remember? HA
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
(a) Just one -- but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.
(b) None at all -- he hires menials for work that's beneath him.

You will recover. I did.
PS
Here are their personalty disorder traits. How many did yours have? Mine had 99%
amoral/conscienceless
authoritarian
care only about appearances
contemptuous
critical of others
cruel
disappointing gift-givers
don't recognize own feelings
envious and competitive
feel entitled
flirtatious or seductive
grandiose
hard to have a good time with
hate to live alone
hyper-sensitive to criticism
impulsive
lack sense of humor
naive
passive
pessimistic
religious
secretive
self-contradictory
stingy
strange work habits
unusual eating habits
weird sense of time

Answer 2

Hey, first off, it's great that he's gone. Sounds like you're so much better off without him. I have not heard of the NPD; I've seen some pretty selfish controlling people, but I managed to stay away from them. Maybe the fact that I am known to be selfish myself precludes me from engaging with an overly selfish person, I don't know! All I know that it would be an impossible feat for me to give 200% for any length of time... And no one should be required to do so in a healthy relationship. I think you have already taken some control by recognizing there was a problem in your relationship that you couldn't fix through no fault of your own; it can only get better from there. Whether or not he realizes he has lost something very precious is hard to say; but it doesn't matter how he feels, all that matters is that you're on the way to being better off. Take care of yourself; the hard times will pass.

Answer 3

People can be selfish, doesnt take them having a medical reason..

Problem was u were a "door mat" people with doormat personalities tend to give everything of themselves for the person they love.. unfortunately as much as people say they'd love for a person to be their everything, most cant handle it.. it ends up giving them such a huge ego.. and what happens is that the person ends up feeling so invincible that they feel the can get even better then what they already have, and in turn become selfish, instead of recipricating the love and sacrafices u made for them.. havent u ever noticed, how Alot "not all" but alot of guys tend to stay with women that treat them like dirt, and walk out on the ones that treat them great???? seems odd to us, but it happens... and u always hear the guys saying girls dont want the good guys they want the jerks??????
People want what they feel they cant have, and men especially love to "conquer" .. and when a man has u exactly where he wants u.. the quest is over, and they become bored.. not all men, but little boys trapped in mens bodies..
So next time be picky of the man u choose, Pick a REAL MAN.. and you can love and love alot with out giving up everything for them.. make sure u dont make the same mistakes twice..

Answer 4

I am going through that same exact thing. But with my wife. One of the hardest things about NPD is that most people that have it won't go in to get it checked. They don't see past themselve to realize they need help. Everyone else has the problem. And if you try to get them help, they just lie or try to control/manipulate the situation how they want it.

When you say suck the life out of you, I can totally relate. Everything I have read or researched basically say, RUN and keep running. Do not stay involved or try to change someone with NPD because it won't work.

So I say, good thing you are no longer with him. Move on and don't try to be part of his life (if possible). And if you do have to be around him at times, just do your best to not let him manipulate you and suck you back in. He will try.

Answer 5

I have and still am "dealing" with a man exactly the same! After 22 years I have finally realized, I can never open his eyes to his sickness. Nothing is ever his fault, he will not accept responsibility for any wrong in our relationship. I'm exhausted and ready to move on. Your husband can only change hisself, hold your head up high knowing you tried your best. These personality types are almost impossible to help because of their inability to accept responsibility. Don't blame yourself, let yourself grieve and love yourself.

Answer 6

first of well done 4 getting him out of your life u r obviously a strong woman!i had a control freak b/f in the past who tried to dictate who and when i spoke to friends and family -i was alot younger and niavley thought he loved me 2 begin with but all he was doing was suffocating me even after we split up a year l8r he would turn up at my work to "talk" to me when that dint work he came in with g/friend then he would come back l8r without her and ask if needed a lift home i was polite but inside i thought it was quite funny and pitied him b/c it was obvious he wanted a reaction out of me which he didnt get so thats how i took the control back by not giving him anything no reaction no time no control and when i got a serious b/f who im now married 2 he wasnt nice anymore and now he doesnt want 2 talk i just wish he took the hint when i finished with him and he was violent i dont know what i saw in him in the first place and one day u will think like that 2 good luck just dont let it put u off finding someone new b/c there r good guys out there and one day u will meet one

Answer 7

Being out of destructive relationships gives one clarity. It is almost impossible to see it as one is living it. I keep going into relationships with users, therefore after this last break up, I have decided to stay out of relationships until I can come to terms with why I do this, and remedy the psychological thinking which compels me to do it.
I just finished reading a book by Sheri S. Tepper, a fantasy/sci fi writer, who delves into the relationships between men and women. In it one of her characters said:

"Still, it is hard when your own female nature betrays you into believing the ones who abuse you, need you or love you or have some natural right to do what they do."

I see many women falling into this trap, and I am getting out of this mindset now. In fact, have been out of it for some time now. The words struck a deep chord in me.
Now, that is not to say that all men are like this. There are many wonderful men in the world. It is up to us to find the ones who are worthy of our love and trust, and not give into desperation or fear of loneliness if the great guy doesn't show up right away. We need to learn to set our standards higher, be complete unto ourselves and trust ourselves when those red flags are waving. Listen to that little gut feeling that says, slow down, girl, something is up here! That was one of my main lessons. Took me awhile to get it, but it eventually sank in.
I am not sure there is any way to deal with narcissists in any way except how you did it if they aren't willing to at least admit there may be a problem they need to deal with.
I am sorry for your loss, but happy that you will be leading a life free of oppression. Because that is what it is. Oppressive.
Best wishes, and know there is another sister out here who is pulling for you.

Answer 8

I hope you did not let your independance get in the way of a good marriage. I bet he was into porn also. I bet you he told you he was trying to get over it then after a while he just told you he was not going to stop. I bet because of what he did your weight changed. I hope you find someone better than he was. When you do make sure to leave your old stuff behind.

Answer 9

You really need to get away from him he has no right to treat you like that and you have every right to hit the ground a running.

Answer 10

There's a huge difference between love and obsession.