I stumbled into this mess. Lost my 35 year old wife, had a girl who is 20 years old fall hoplessly in love with me 2 years ago when she was 18. Unable to shake her, inspite of many attempts thinking it was for the best. She loves me so much it seems her heart would break should I leave her. She asked me to marry her. I can't shake this uneasy feeling, she is so young, and i feel there will be a lot of barriers to being able to settle down with her. Unsure what to do, have tried really, should I just accept this fate? Living my life with a 20 year old girl to the shock of my family and friends?
2006-09-18 11:17:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow, I'm really surprised by the positive responses from you all....and I thank you all from the bottom of my you can't imagine what it means to me to know that others care enough to post a response. I live a pretty isolated existence as an American working as an IT consultant in Paris for 12 years. Thats also part of the picture, the girl is french and I've been here working tooth and nail to keep my government contract going here. Its certainly part of the dilemma, what happens if I have to return to the states, bring her with me? We would have to start our lives over from scratch with my lifesavings. I do love her, however when I say tried to shake her, I in part mean that I've explored going back to the states and letting her go on at least for now with her studies here which she would have to abandon if she came with me. I havent found a situation over there yet, and the idea of leaving alone is really tough. The opportunities here for an American are a bit limited. Dilemma..
2006-09-19 10:00:22 · update #1
I have always thought that if a couple is really in love, then why does it matter if there is a big age difference. She loves you, do you love her? She's loved you for 2 years so it sounds like more than a school girl crush to me. Do whatever your heart tells you to.
2006-09-18 11:20:57 · answer #1 · answered by ♀♥♂☮Trippy Hippie☮♂♥♀ 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you love this woman and she loves you, then age should not matter. If you do not feel right about the realtionship, then you should not marry her. Marrying her only to leave her later will hurt her more than leaving her now if you don't love her. Your family and friends should not have a say in regards to what kind of woman you can be with age wise. You are an adult, and so is this woman. When I was 18, I fell in love with a man who was 39 (only one year younger than my mom). It never ended up being anything more than a friendship (still friends 9 years later). I asked my mom how she would have felt if I was to date him; she said if it made me happy then I should go for it regardless of what others thought. You need to decide what you want, not what your family & friends want for you.
2006-09-19 00:08:32 · answer #2 · answered by cowgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are not ok with it. Good for you!! Break her heart. It'll be hard, but you have to do it for her best interest. Just imagine if you had a daughter that was 20 years old and she falls in love with an older man? What would you want that man to do? Trust me, she's young enough to have her heart broken and get over it. Break up with her, then cut ALL communication. Don't answer calls, emails, etc. Don't "be there for her"- that's what her family and friends are there for. Just end it.
2006-09-18 18:53:00 · answer #3 · answered by The New Mrs. Nguyen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Unable to shake her?" What is she, a virus? I assume "not being able to shake her" included giving in to her demands to go to bed with her?????? Well, gee, you tried hard, didn't you?
Write her a letter, saying "I know that you have deep feelings for me, but you are young and these feelings will pass. I am far too old for you and it would be very wrong of me to take advantage of you. Please do not contact me again. I wish you well for the future, I know that someone as special as you will meet a wonderful man your own age. Regards...."
Then meet her, explain that you have to break up with her, and give her the letter. She may close her ears to what you say, but the letter will mean she can't pretend you didn't say them.
If I'm being unjust and you haven't slept with her, then your second line of defence should be her parents. Go and see them and tell them that their daughter has a crush on you. Explain that she's been pursuing you, that you feel the age difference is too big and you've resisted getting involved for that reason. Ask for their help in persuading her to leave you alone.
2006-09-18 19:54:48 · answer #4 · answered by Kylie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's nothing wrong with the age difference per se, but there is a strong possibility that as she "grows up" she will grow apart from you. You are right to be in doubt. If you don't feel strongly about marrying her, it's more honest to break it off. Yes, it might be a heartbreak to her, but hey, life is full of heartbreaks. She will thank you later when she's married to a guy her age. But don't do this just to please your "family and friends" - it's none of their business whom you're marrying; be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you really want this person to be your wife. I get the feeling you don't want to marry her for other reasons, not only because of the "shock" to the family. Follow your gut.
2006-09-18 18:51:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I guess I would be thinking "this girl could be my daughter". I am not big on seeing that kind of age difference in a couple but I am not the one living in that situation. Everyone is different. To me, it sounds as though you have doubts about your relationship in general, not just the age difference. I think you would be making a mistake because if you truly loved this person, you wouldn't be thinking about the age difference. Something to think about, hu?
2006-09-18 18:24:19 · answer #6 · answered by Tracy O 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No way. Run. Run as fast as you can. There were 19 years between my ex-husband and I. I wanted children. We had some. He was way too old for toddlers... Not that 50 is old... but it is too old for toddlers. We grew apart when I woke up one day and realized that we had NOTHING in common.
This 20 year old is asking for marriage. She is going to want children. What are you going to do when she starts asking for those? Do you really want to start over with babies at this stage in your life?
I'll say it again... RUN!
2006-09-18 18:27:34 · answer #7 · answered by mamafence 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
DO what your heart says. If you love her as well marry her. My ex is 15 yrs older than me. I love her and she did me, sure you will hear the robbing the craddle jokes, but people accept these things and life goes on. By the way she is my ex for other reasons than the age.
2006-09-18 18:22:20 · answer #8 · answered by Josh S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try living with her for a year and see what happens. Go ahead and shock your family and friends! As long as ur happy, they should be too. If it doesn't work out, then call it off and go back to searching.
2006-09-18 18:19:32 · answer #9 · answered by bebeeangeldust 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was married to someone that was 17 when I was thirty but they seem like they want to stray after a while did not last that long.
2006-09-18 20:02:47 · answer #10 · answered by Ryan Wilson 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋