complicated?

Question

My husband and i just recently allowed his son and my stepson live with us.Rent free.He was to start saving for his own place since he has a full time job. Which i found out 2 days ago he was spending freely not saing any money.With this my husband and i are now totally at each other.~ My husband was not around him growing up.My (14) daughter thinks her father doesn't spend any time with her. How do i let my daugter know this is just a phase or is it?And should he pay his way? full time job~yes own transpotation~yes grad. from school~no helps around the house ~no "he 19"

Answer 1

What is complicated? You let an two adult children move in, and they are just blowing their money, and planning to keep sponging as long as possible. The solution is simple. Toss out both kids. As long as they are adults, there is no reason they should have moved back home. Boot them. As for the daughter, try speaking to her Dad about spending time together. And, should he(which he) pay his own way? Yes. Every adult should pay their own way.

Answer 2

I would say, if your step-son is not helping out around the house or going to school, talk to your husband and decide together, either you make him help or he has 2 months to find a place. He may not realize it, but living on your own is nice, even with all the responsibilities that come along with it. He will figure out a way to make it work and he won't hate you guys, he will be grateful. Your daughter should talk to her father and let him know how she feels, if he doesn't care or show any interest, then leave him alone and let him see what he is missing.

Answer 3

Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel. Let him know what hes doing to his daughter. At 19, its time to grow up. Let your husband know. If your stepson is supposed to be saving, have him give you some money every week, that you can save for him. If he is living with you rent free, he should be helping out around the house, your not his maid.

Answer 4

All i can say is don't spoil the kid.....because that is what he is
Im 20 I live with my parents they don't give me chores, but i always try to find something to do to help my mom with the house . I'm not to pay rent but i give my parents $300 dllrs as my contribuation to the family. As also i make sure i atleast buy groceries every month as side from what my mom buy's. Here and then do i rent a movie or buy the family lunch to be together....you know calling it family fun time. I dont have too but i do and i still have time to work 9-5, study go to school and take an hour twice a week for tae kwan do.
See if he wants to be independent or mature he needs to show you he is if he doesnt want to contribute than he is not old enough for that respect......if you give and give he is going to take and take...so watch out.
Good luck mama's

Answer 5

This one's a hard one as it seems that your husbands guilt at not being in the maritial home while he was growing up is now ruling his head.

You are going to have to explain to him that your daughter is now starting to feel left out. Try and organise some days where you can all be together ot eat meals together. I agree that he should be showing responsibility at his age but try and do it gradually if your daughter does chores for her pocket money for example how about setting a modest rent which he can pay by doing chores.. Hope the situation gets better

Answer 6

well, there's a very thin line between helping out a situation and then enabling someone because of guilt of past occurances. to a certain extent, your husband wants to make up for the time he wasn't there, but also he has to realize that by enabling his grown some to mooch off the two if you, what is that instilling in him as a young man?

is it helping to form him into a responsible and accountable man in the future or is it somehow teaching him to use his past as an incentive to use guilt to get what he wants to manipulate situations? i guess the biggest question is , is your relationship with your husband suffering? are you resentful of the son because of the lack of time from your daughter?

in that case, i would suggest you vent to a close friend who takes it for what it is...just ot listen to you to blow off some steam...sometimes all it is is just that...steam...good luck to you. talk to your husband...not confrontational, but the questions i asked , you may want to relay them to your husband and see what he thinks, maybe the answers are there, but he just hasn't had the heart to confront them yet.

ohhh and about not helping around the house...a chore list is great. that way everyone knows what their responsibilities are at home. then you wont be seen as "the evil step-mother" picking on the step-son. and be fair. even for your daughter would be great too. along with the chore list, make it a point to write down a dad/daughter time...doesn't ahve to be set in stone but it's a start to cultivate and keep the bond going. good luck again and i hope this helps.

Answer 7

The kid needs to be paying y'all rent (room and board)...what you can do with that $$ is set it aside and if you want, use it to help him get his own place (kind of like forcing him to save $$) but don't tell him ahead of time...

He is too old to be sponging off of y'all too and can't do it if it's not allowed...lay down the law that he pays "X" amount a month to live there AND does this, this, and this chore or he can find some place else to live.

He's not being done any favors by being taken care of at his age, with no responsibility at home...the real world doesn't work that way and he'll be ill prepared for it...

Answer 8

Have a whole family meeting where everybody involved is there. Tell the young man to pay $200.00 to start off, and put $100.00 away in a trust account for him. This way he will eventually have something in the bank.
Tell him he has to help around the house or he'll ave to go out and pay at least $400.00 for his own place.
Let Sister know she is invovled and must help around the house too.

Answer 9

The easiest solution to this problem and to keep the peace is to charge your son/stepson rent. I mean charge him like $250 rent per month....you save it....and four months later you hand him $1000 and tell him to get out. That is plenty of money to start with...and if he refuses to pay rent then he can leave now.

As for your daughter...just have her pester the heck out of her dad to do things with her. You can't answer his flaws. If he truly doesn't want to spend time with her...you need to let her find that out for herself...otherwise he will twist it and make it look like you kept him from her.

Answer 10

the way i handled it was to start with a modest rent of 100/mo and increased it every 90 days by 100 until he moved out or started college ...he went one semester and took off the next, i restarted the rent where it left off and he went back to school the next semester ... as long as he was in school full time he was rent free .. a similar approach can work for your stepson ... jack the rent until he can rent his own place cheaper than stay with you ... in the meantime, you are building his deposit for him, you may want to start his rent higher to begin with so he is motivated sooner... assuming an appt rents for 1K per month, start your son out at $500, and jack it $100 every 2 months until he moves., you will have the first, last and deposit within 4 months ..good luck