Wife lied about contacting exboyfriend/lover?

Question

My wife wrote her ex-boyfriend a letter in June. He wrote back and she let me read it. He told her that he thought about her a lot and that he was married and had two kids. He said he did not want her contacting him at home because his wife would not understand but he gave her his email address. My wife asked me what I thought. I told her that I did not want her to contact him and let it be. Two months latter she went out of town overnight by herself to shop. Our cell bill came a month latter and it was way high. I noticed she called the city where her x lives five times. I asked my wife if she had called her x she denied it and said it was one of her coworkers number. I wanted to belive her so I let it go. But I was suspisious of the call times and called the number and it was her x-s number. I am afraid she met him an may of had an afair because most of the calls were on the night she was out by herself. We have been married 12 years and have 2 kids. I don't know what to do.

Since she went on the overnight trip. She has been really bitchy to me and she is having ?'s about our marriage. Also there was no credit card bill for the hotel she claimed to have staid at. When I called her x's number he did not answer it until I left a message threatening to call his wife. Then he called and left a message saying that he had been contacting her but it was only friendship and he was tring to help her with problems. He said he would never contact her again and that he is happily married. I found out that he is a comercial airplane pilot and had a layover in the city my wife was at when she stayed away from home. I don't know if I would believe if she said nothing happend knowing she has already lied once.

Answer 1

LEAVE HER ***

Answer 2

Man it sure doesn't sound good. Even if she hasn't slept with him she's still committed a breach of trust. I would talk to her about it. Don't yell, just sit down and say, "Look I know you lied. Tell me what's going on."

Then take some time out to think about it. Cheating sucks. But 12 years and 2 kids is allot to throw away. You may choose to seek marriage counseling and work things out. It'll be a long time before you can trust her again but you maybe able to save the marriage.

If she hasn't cheated then perhaps she can explain what it is about this guy she misses. It might just be a need to reconnect with the past. Remember she married you and not this guy for a reason and she did show you the letter. No matter what you do, nothing can replace sitting down with her and having a frank and open discussion.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

This sounds simply awful. I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling right now, and I hope that everything will turn out for the best.

It seems you are being given a sign - about your life, about your marriage - and if your wife is having an affair with her ex - then you have a decision to make. You can continue to try to believe her - but if you know in your heart that she is lying to you, then you must decide if you're going to stay and tolerate it, or move on. If it were me, I could not trust the person again and would have to get out.

Best wishes...

Answer 4

She cheated. There's no doubt about it. The question is can you forgive her and can you ever trust her again. For me, there is noway that I could do it. If my wife did that I would never be able to get past it. I would resent the hell out of her so the marriage would fail. I also would never bother with therapy...that's crap. She F's around on you and you are supposed to just so that's okay and go to therapy??? No way. I know that it sucks and you have two kids but she blew it. Give her the boot because at least that way you can start to get over it and her and move on.

Answer 5

simple case problem of a thousand homes. first she wrote first. he wrote back, sure.she is meeting someone. u r a sissy to say she MAY HAV HAD an affair. he cant marry her.Looking at all these, now immediately both of you go to the lawyer, the priest, the counselor, and your banker/ accountant. next go to ur doctor and strengthen ur peni...s. the kids are only 6 and 8 ? talk with her as if she has made up her mind about the kids. then leave it to her. even if she agrees to stay moral, i wldnt believe. so u have to be prepared for her escapades with the pilot or any gardner. so u MUST KNOW, U WILL KNOW, WHAT TO DO NEXT>

Answer 6

Do what I did. Dial the telephone number with her there and hand it to her to get her reaction, and then ask her once more to tell you the truth. If she continues to lie then let her know what you want from her in your marriage, (being truthful is one of the main issues), and see if things will work out. Let her know that you don't want too nor have time too watch over her so if this happens again, there will be bad consequences. By the way, I'm divorced, to show you what his actions were after our talks.

Answer 7

You are a strong, single, women. So knowing that stay away fro married men and Totally forget about that man and his Wife. If you have to change your phone number and email then do it. Just move on. Your single.. have FUN enjoy it. Who the hell wants drama. Its not your problem it's the wife's problem now. So move on and live a good-hearted life with No invovlement with married men. Cuz, life can be a real bit#@ and it can come back on you!! Just saying!!! Also, you said his wife sent you a picture of them in bed together . Face it, you tried to help the lady and she is a weird lady doing that... asking you to set up a date so she can catch you together. Sounds like to much DRAMA.

Answer 8

The first thing I would have done w/out hesitation is call the number, or call his wife and see what was going on at her house on the night in question. If she can say w/out a doubt that she and her husband were together, I'd let it go. But if there's any question, I'd confront your wife again and tell her you spoke w/ her ex bf wife. That'll probably make her squirm a little. I'd definitly call the number though.

Answer 9

Based on the amount of good detail you provided, I agree with what you have already conjectured: She spent the night with this guy.

Being married myself, I don't agree with all these immediate responses to cut her and run -- especially because the very fact you are asking for advice means that you want to save this relationship if you can, at least for your kids and because you have both invested 12 years together.

I don't know your wife. My best guess is that she dallied with the idea of seeing this guy partly out of curiosity [remember, she didn't hide the first letter, she actually showed it to you] and partly because of dissatisfaction in her own life ... and found herself being unfaithful.

Now that she has tasted something outside your marriage and her typical life, she's been hard to live with and full of complaints about your relationship. That is just my guess, based on your description.

This can be bad, but it also might be an opportunity. She might just be looking for things to complain about, but she also might finally be airing problems she has never been willing to bring up before.

So listen carefully to what she says -- don't take it to heart right away, but do really think about whether her complaint(s) is valid and something you could change.

I know it will be hard, but you will have to confront her with her lies -- not in anger, but matter of fact. "You were acting differently, and you gave me stories that did not seem believable, and when I checked, I found out you had lied to me." And so forth.

Basically, first, you want her to stop lying and confess to what she did. Right now she's actively denying it. When she lies, simply bring up the fact that disproves it; don't get into an argument. "The phone bill doesn't lie. I know whose phone it is. I know he was in that city." And so forth.

Also stress that there's no way to discuss things if she is not willing to tell the truth.

This situation seems a lot to me like the end of "A Few Good Men." I think she's mad and confused, and I think she WANTS to tell you the truth so she can dump all of her frustrations about your relationship on you... but she's simply ashamed. So right now it just comes out through all the complaining she's been doing.

So give her as big an opening as you can to tell you the truth -- carefully back her into a corner with the basic facts on one hand (just as Danny did with Jessup) and on the other hand invite her to tell you what she's upset about.

After that, you guys do have a lot to talk about -- the marriage, the kids, your life together, what to do next. You need a firm commitment from her that she's in this marriage, and you can promise her that you want to try. I don't know what she will do.

But I think you know you have to get her to confess, then lay all the cards out.

But you also sound like a guy who has a good, kind heart (not a tough-minded aggressive type), so your approach will not be as "controlling" as more aggressive guys -- trying to force her to agree with you. You might do better just making your own feelings vulnerable (including how much it hurt for her to pursue this, especially after she asked you about it and you told her not to continue), telling her how much you care about this relationship, reaffirming your commitment to her, asking her how things in your relationship could improve, and appealing to any desire in her that is left to work things out.

But I think you should tell her that she cannot go back to this guy again. That, if she wants to make this work, she needs to call it quits and focus on your marriage. If she can't do that, then she'll need to leave.

(The longer you let her lead a dual lilfe, the more numb she will become to the damage she is doing.)

I really hope things work, and that your love for her will win her back or give her the desire to try.

Answer 10

wow you would make a great private investigator.. the old saying when you look 4 hurt, you will find it.. but you did what most of us would have.. this is something you need 2 figure out yourself.. sad but true.. leaving isn't always the answer.. sleep on it in seperate beds till you really know what 2 do.. and hopefully she isn't pregnant.. she needs a wake up call 4 sure.. risking everything she has with you and hurting the children if you divorce.. she needs 2 hang her head in shame..

Answer 11

Things happened. I don't know what you can do. I think this stuff is the symptom of the problems, not the cause. Sounds like your wife is for whatever reason dissatisfied in this marriage, perhaps you could try to find out why; try couseling.