Should I just be happy?

Question

I met my husband 7 years ago. We started dating in high school. We got married about 2 years ago.

I know my husband loves me but he doesn't show it at all. I don't think he has kissed me (besides a good by kiss) in about 7 or 8 months. Everytime I try to kiss him he will kiss back back I feel like I am kissing someone who doesn't care. I think he would rather die than ever put he hands around me to hold me. I have tried to show him a lot of affection and at the end of the week he tells me he never gets affection (even though I know he does since I try to do it on purpose). I feel like we are best friends but not lovers. Is this what marriage is? If it is I will try to get over this. He is a great provider and has never cheated. I just feel like I am a roomate that cleans instead of a wife. I tried to talk to him about this and he says that he is not that type of guy. He has never been been over affectionate but he was better than this. I have been getting so depressed.
Thanks.

I have tried to show him how to be affectionate but he said that he cold never be that way. I see that some of you say I want the tv love... but i don't think I do. I just want someone to hug me every once in a while. I honestly don't remember the last time he hugged me. I am so confused.

Also - Sex is ok. He doesn't kiss me or anything though. He just tries to get me in the mood in other ways. When I tell him I don't like that he says "well I do" I finally just get to the point where i pretent to like it just to get it over with.

Answer 1

This is what marriage " Sometimes is" but not what it has to be. It is the 'taking for granted ' or 'samo samo' thing. Keeping a marriage 'Hot' takes work. there are a thousand books on the subject. Lots of people intuitively improvise to make things 'New' and interesting.In short though it requires some work the marriage can be kept 'Fresh". Since it is you who seems to be more bothered by the state of things it is only fair that you take on the majority of the responsibility for modifying them.

Answer 2

A husband and wife both have needs and the key is always compromise. Affection is important at any stage in a marriage. Going without can make you feel neglected and stressed. So, no it is not "normal" (better word is healthy) to be completely unaffectionate in a marriage. He seems like a good, loyal husband who's gotten too comfortable in the relationship (that is normal). Have you tried spicing things up with a date or something else to perk up his interest, like greeting him at the door in lingerie?

You do need to talk to him as well. You need to ask yourself how you come across to him. If you come across needy, clingy or angry, you won't get a desirable response. It's important to explain exactly what you need and how it makes you feel when you feel neglected without trying to lay a guilt trip on him.

If none of the above improves the situation, then you should consider counseling. Sometimes lack of affection can arise simply from getting too comfortable in a relationship and other times it can be a sign of something more serious.

Answer 3

It sounds like he's just not an overly emotional/affectionate person. All people show affection, it can just be in different ways. Some do it with hugs and kisses; others with working hard to provide for the family, by coming home every night, and by being committed to the person they're with. My fiancé happens to be very reserved when it comes to expressing "affection", but he's been there for me whenever I needed him and he's the person I know I can count on through thick and thin. I guess you could say I'm marrying my "best friend", but I don't see it as a bad thing. Just figure out what's important to you; no one's perfect, and you will have to settle for *something* no matter whom you're with. I made a choice to be with a person who is not necessarily gushy and emoionally expressive, but who is rock-solid underneath. To me, it's worth "settling" for. If your husband has certain traits that made you fall in love with him and marry him, focus on these traits, and answer for yourself if it's worth it to you to accept him as he is - the good AND the bad.

Answer 4

I'm right there with you! I have been with my husband for 15 years. He is my best friend. But since we had my daughter and have been together awhile it's like we just are here but in a nice kind of way. We all have our moments but things don't stay the same forever. We've gotten older and there are things to do. Don't get depressed. It'll just drive you crazy thinking about it. Guy's are the type that get comfortable with someone and even though they don't show it they love you.

Answer 5

Have you sat down and had a heart to heart talk with him about this? You say that he wasn't like this before, you need to find out what is happening. I don't want to put things into your head, but there may be a reason why this is happening. I started to see a change in my husband after many years of being together and it turned out to be another woman. Never had cheated on me before, and I'm not saying that's what's happening to you, but you need to voice your concerns to your husband in a mature and calm manner and keep your eyes open.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will be able to work this out with him. No one should live a life with someone who doesn't show love or emotions. We all need that in our lives.

Answer 6

If he won't talk to you about it then let him know you are going to talk to someone (a counselor for example) about why you would allow yourself to stay in a loveless marriage for so long. I spent a long time in a loveless relationship for 10 years and I got out. I'm not saying to leave him, but maybe you need some clear headed thinking that comes from an outside source. Maybe if he sees you're really into it and really serious, he'll want to talk more openly about what's been going on in his screwy little mind! Good luck.

Answer 7

Don't be so frustrated, just give him some time to change himself. To gain something you have to do somethings. Some tips - just behave normal and dont pressurise him. To impress him upon you have to do some romantic things, like do everything in a different way. Cook his favorite things and wear his favourite dresses and ask him to accomapany you to watch some A movies and may be go out for dinner at a cozy restaurants. Hope something works out, but dont get impatient and keep on trying till you succeed.

Answer 8

Hey you said you know he loves you and that he is a great provider and a non-cheater. So what if you have to initate the affection. Being affectioniate is not easy for someone is not affectioniate. (I should know...I'm not big on it) He can not help the fact that you are more affectioniate than he is. Take this is one negative thing about him....now measure this up against the positive things about him....Is there really a problem?

Answer 9

Sounds like you are looking for an reason to leave or cheat. How about talking to him/ Have you thought of that? Probably not. Wake him up. If that doesn't work walk on him. I did. Never been better off then I am now.

Answer 10

Many of the marriages are like this , only we dont express . We live in our separate world even if staying together.There is no fixed answer for this but all of us have to find our own answer. I feel you have not lost anything only you hve to keep on trying to break the coconut to get the sweet nectar - Best of luck . Keep on trying even if it is not reciprocated.