Why does it seem when a newly "out" person comes out, they have to REALLY go all out with "acting" gay?

Question

I don't know, and maybe it's just me..but I've noticed with gay people who are just coming out, they go overboard. They drench themselves in rainbows, promiscous behavior, and everything they talk about is in relation to their newfound sexuality. Or maybe it's just my roommate..45 years old, just coming out, and frequents our local "gay bar strip" every night. Now he even works there, and ALLLLL I ever hear him talk about is "hot guys". It just seems to me, that not just him, but just about every newly "out" person I've met, has to exhibit the most stereotypical aspects of "gay culture"...why is this? Or am I just perceiving this all wrong??

Ok...before anyone gets the wrong impression, I am NOT a homophobe. If I WERE, would I really have a gay roommate? No. Probably not. I myself am a transsexual, and even though I was once a former "lesbian" I STILL get annoyed with the gay people who want to shove rainbows down everyone's throat. It gives the rest of us clearheaded, mature, responsible people a bad image. For instance, in pride parades, who is the media most likely to focus on? The topless guys waving rainbows and acting like idiots, or the mature gay and lesbian doctors and lawyers. See my point?

Answer 1

You're not percieving it wrong. Not ALL gays act that way when they first come out, in fact, most of them do not. However, there are a portion who have been in the closet for so long that when they finally do get to come out, they go overboard. Some are just very gay. They hid it well, but now that it can be known, they are themselves. Did it ever dawn on you that he may not have been himself for 45 years?

Imagine not being allowed to eat for 45 days, but living in a world where you see pies, covered with whipped cream and cakes, huge steaks, potatoes smothered in gravy and to smell them all the time, but to not be able to go and eat them. Instead, you satisfy yourself with a protein drink.

Okay, have you imagined that? Now, imagine that someone finally took your chains off and allowed you to go to a smorgasbord, (sorry about the mispelling of the smorgy word), and you are given a platter to put the food on. There is everything you ever imagined in that smorgy and you can smell and taste it and nobody can stop you now.

You would pig out like you have never pigged out before. You would probably make a spectacle of yourself, eating like there is no tomorrow.

Got the analogy? He's at a smorgasbord after 45 years of starvation and he's enjoying his great meal.

He may never change, but the good part is he has a friend like you who cares enough about him to write about him on here, and to ask questions, rather than jumping to judge him right off the bat, as many friends would do.

He is a really lucky guy to have you.

Good luck!

Answer 2

In our society, despite all efforts to the contrary, it's still generally taught that boys and girls grow up, get married and have families. Even today we're constantly given anti-gay propaganda from various sources. It's hard for someone who knows or thinks they may be gay and feel that they cannot be themselves because everyone around them will hate them. Usually people who are recently "outted" will have been convinced to do so by friends or other gay people who knew of the trouble it can cause. So really it's a revelation of knowing that not only is it OK to be who you are, but there are others out there like you that are willing to accept you as you are. The unfortunate side effect of this is that there's still a very big divide between straight and gay people in many social situations.

Answer 3

You know what I think you are so right on this point. I am a Lesbian and am very proud of it, but honestly I was turned off for many years by the whole "Gay" sceene so I did the wife , mother , and homemaker thing with a man 'yes played straight... because I thougth that way I didnt have to be so ridiculous... I honestly thought that if I was straight I didnt have to go around sleeping with everyone that would (as my GF calls it) trow me a bang .... and I could have my house and my car and my kids and a responsible settled life and a carreer..... but in turn I ended up misirable... until I realized that what you see at the pride parade and on TV is not what Gay life is realy about .. so I came out of my closet not screaming but I got slapped by many of my Gay friends because I didnt want to be "loud and proud"... so it is like you cant win for loosing.. so now I have a place for my rainbows ... but then I have a place for my everyday life as well.. because there is a fine balance that can be held to. so yes I do think that newly out ppl tend to come out of their closets jumping screaming, kicking and wavin their flags high and proud.. more so to get noticed and get laid than anything... but that is just my oppinion and im sticking to it..
Blessings,
RiahWillow

Answer 4

Coming out is a lot like buying new clothes, if you have found something you really like and it fits really well, you want to show it off to everyone, until you spill coffee down the front of it for the first time.

What's funny is I actually didn't do the promiscuous behavior or wearing rainbows until the colors made you sick. Insted to focused my engery to working within my community. I voluteered for GLBT organizations, became a GLBT community center counselor (well that was a few years on), helped organize Pride events, manned booths, lobbied at my state capitol. But I still to this day to not own even one rainbow sticker.
Granted, I do have two pieces of rainbow decor items, but both pieces were given as gifts.

Answer 5

When a gay guy comes out of the closet, he reveals his lifestyles to substantiate his gayness. There's nothing wrong with your roomate flaunting his gayness. Maybe,now he feels relieved and has complete freedom of expression. All this overboard behavior as you call it will eventually subside, once he's over with this "high trip".. It's a normal behavior after years of repression. To be socially accepted is very important. If you view the gay parades, the most outrageous guys, half-naked and with rainbows draw a lot of attention, because they cause sensationalisms; versus the conservative mature as you phrase it, dull doldrum types. I think the problem here, is that, you being a transexual haven't come to terms with your choice of lifestyle and certainly don't want to flaunt it. Do I detect a tinge of jealousy to his complete liberation? Maybe it's time for you to get rid of your inhibitions and start " living life- " as you see fit liberated of thoughts of repercussions or consequences of any negative projected images. What do you think ?

Answer 6

I personally think its because there are no real role models for gay, lesbian, transgender and queer people, and so when people "come-out" all they have to go on, is the often highly overty steriotypical images of gltq people that are portrayed in the mass media, but also within the mainstream "queer" culture. For example, images such as you have described are the ones that the media focus's on and not the fact that someone's sexuality is only a part of who they are. Then again, perhaps for a person who has lived in the closet for a long time and didn't know or allow themselves to express their "queerness" in public, it could be the same as a dove that has been let out of a cage. All the dove wants to do is fly and as high as possible.

http://www.du.edu/orgs/pride/coming.html
http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfm?Section=Coming_Out
http://www.outpath.com/

Answer 7

Well for me i LOVEEEEEEEEEE rainbows so i have a rainbow bumper sticker, rainbow around my license plate, a rainbow aire fresher in my car, a rainbow belt and a rainbow necklace and hoping to get more rainbow items... i am newly out i guess (about 2 or 3 years) and i mean i just feel like its a symbol of my pride and how proud i am to be a lesbian... i dont sleep around but i guess for a newly out person they held it in for so long now they can finally be themselves and do the things they may have always wanted to do....

Answer 8

I agree with you completely, when I came out to my friends...well that was different becuase they found all my porn, and it wasn't like stereotypical porn either. LOL I still find it awkward to talk to them about hot guys though and I don't think I ever did and probably wont. Not all people coming out of the closet are like that.

Trust me on this, it's a touchy issue if you hate the stereotype, because stereotypical people will come and get offended at you and instead of ignoring they're really, REALLY pissed at you for some reason. Even though I pretty much agree with you, I'm known for pissing people off a lot when it comes! lol!

Answer 9

I think its just your roommate and his friends. The few people (guys and 1 girl) that I have known when they "came out" did not act any differently after wards. Maybe your roommate, because he was so much older when he finally announced it, is going overboard with the relief of finally having it all out in the open. I would think, in time, he should mellow down a bit.

Answer 10

He is just testing his boundaries right now. Kinda like someone who has just turned 21 and can now "legally" drink in a bar, or a teen with his new license. He is just looking to find where he fits in. He is feeling somewhat free and gay and doesn't care who knows it. Can you imaging holding on to a secret 45 years? Wow. I am sure he will calm down eventually or get embarrassed into calming down. Either way, if you are his friend just support him the best you can and let him know what your boundaries are with him in your friendship. If there is something he does that you can not tolerate it is your responsibility to let him know.