to divorce or not to divorce?

Question

A quick synopsys: My wife and my marriage has been a train wreck for over 3 years. My brotherinlaw inadvertently sends me an email instead of my wife, after staying with me for 2 weeks sharing my home my food etc. Treating me as a friend, or so I thought. The email say that I am white trash
( I am a fairly educated presently unemployed not by choice) Enterpreneur. and that basically she should document all corrospondenses between my wife and myself. Here is my question? My wife wants to go to his house and have a birthday party for her other sister. They live in North Carolina and I live in New York. I told her to respect the fact that I do not want her to go because this ***-hole totally played me, disrespected me etc.and she should also feel the same way about him as I do. Please respond with either a yes or a no. Should I let her go? and why and if I should NOT let her go WHY? I told her I will divorce her if she goes I am depending on the answers given here to see if I am WRONG

Answer 1

while you grouse about your brother-in-laws insincerity and blunder (what does that have to do with the issue?) you do not say why your marriage has been a train wreck for 3 years. that is your core issue. to threaten divorce to control your wife is emotional blackmail. she is an adult and can make her own decisions, either you trust her or you dont. as to the bro-in-law, you should show her his email and then indicate your feelings about his phony behaviour. not so much what he said but that he was enjoying your hospitality and actively trying to undermine your marriage behind your back. allow her to go for the party if she wishes, but if your marriage is salvageable, you will need to be open and honest about the real issues and keep communication open and stick to the issues and dont personalize them by name calling and blame placing. Entrepreneurship is a hard thing to get going, but you have to focus on the business and not worry about your spouse at this point, if you are riding the trainwreck, it distracts your focus. this is actually an opportunity for you to have time to concentrate on your business without her there as a distraction.

finally, you have to honestly ask yourself why you want to be married to your wife. if you love her, then stop trying to control her for that will surely lose her. treat her as a partner, not a servant or employee.

ultimatums and emotional blackmail have no place in a marriage, you are driving the train, but she is the tracks, if you push your train too hard on the curves, you will fly off the tracks ... your marriage is experiencing some curves, slow your train down and roll with them at a safe speed, the train and the tracks have to work with each other or both are wrecked ... while you are at home, refurbishing your engine (pushing your business), she will be getting a breather from the hard driving you have been placing on the marriage. apologize to her and address the real issue of your frustration. tell her you need her support as the tracks support the train ... but stop throwing ultimatums around, the train has no more control over the tracks than the tracks have over the speed of the train or the burden it places upon them.

if either is pushed beyond its limits, disaster results ... you are WRONG

Answer 2

If the marriage has been a train wreck for over 3 years, then why are you still there? Yes you should divorce, if you think of your relationship in that way! As for her brother, she should be understanding of your feelings towards him, but NO she doesn't have to feel exactly the same way you do. That's her brother and if she feels the same way you do about your marriage, then she might be agreeing with her brother about you. Just because you and your brother in-law had some bad blood, doesn't mean you have the right to cut her off from him, by giving her ultimatums....it's me or your brother! Ewwww, I would tell you to go to hell for that.
On one last note, I would like to thank you for pointing out once again why marriage is only for the insane.

Answer 3

Ya know what, the brother-in-law would have never called you that in an email if your wife had not already in some discussion been slamming you. So, I believe your wife has been disrespecting you by most likely putting you down to them. She wants to go to the party cause it sounds like her newfound support group of you-haters. If she truly respected you, she would have been upset by the comment in the email and would not want to go the party either.

Your wife sounds like she's already been taking these relatives into her confidence about prepping to leave you. You say the marriage is a train wreck, but are ya'll working on it, or just currently coasting along hoping it will somehow get better?

I would let her go to the party and go find an attorney. Do this smartly, or it sounds like she is already planning how to stick it to you.

Answer 4

I understand that u and ur brother in law are not getting along ,but this is ur wifes family , u cant forbid her from seeing her family and sharing their happy and bad times with her,this is from one side,on the other hand I really dont know whats ur relationship with ur wife u said that ur marriage has been a train wreck for three years ,but u didnt provide any details,do u respect each other ,do u still love each other.In my opinion if there is no slight chance to make it up between each other then ther is no need to waste ur life with a non-loving wife or whatsoever,u should feel that its worth it to spend ur life with ur spouse ,if u have a feeling that ur life has now turned into hell because of her then I would suggest to leave her and go on with ur life.Maybe some day ull find someone who really appreciates u.

Answer 5

Sorry man but your way off base.

If you want your marriage to work then let her go. Don't mix these things together. Her brother being a jerk has nothing to do with your marriage and nothing to do with your sister-in-law's birthday. Its not fair to her or your wife for you to use this against them.

Call your brother-in-law up and deal with him. Tell him what you think about how he treated you and give him a chance to apologize. If he doesn't then just ignore him, but don't ever try to come between a brother and sister. You will lose.

Just be cool and you can come out as the good guy in the end.

Answer 6

I can understand why you would be hurt. But, you should not be trying to make your wife choose between her family and you.
That being said, if my husband was treated the way you were, I don't think I would go at all.
However, I don't think her attendance at a birthday party is worth getting a divorce over.
Talk to your wife more, tell her how you feel. But, fair warning most women don't deal well with Ultimatums so... your don't go or else strategy may backfire.

Answer 7

I understand your frustration, but you can't dictate to someone what they can and cannot do. Just because you're married does not mean that you both are not allowed to still make separate decisions. If you feel that you can't be with her if she goes, then explain your feelings - but obviously her going isn't the cause for the divorce. It's obviously just another bad situation in what sounds like many. Take a breath - think about your future. Do what's best for both of you. If you make her decide between you and her family - she will end up resenting you anyway. Take the higher ground and allow her to make her own decisions.

Answer 8

It is not up to you to LET her go or not. It is her choice. You can only request. I think I would request that she not go, explain why you don't trust the bro-in-law, see if she is on the same page as you and willing to BE YOUR PARTNER as she said at the wedding, and offer to set up counseling sessions for the two of you. Obviously, your relationship is on the rocks. Hopefully, no kids are involved.

Then, again, it is a birthday party for her sister. Has she been to previous parties like this (birthdays of siblings)? If so, it would be tough not to support her making the trip. Counseling is still the best option, I think.

Answer 9

I don't think "not letting her go" would be a solution here. I agree that she should side with you in this issue, and tell her brother off. It doesn't mean she has to cut off all the interactions with her family - she just needs to stand up for you and for herself. People will talk behind your back, it's not that unusual; how her brother feels about you is not really that important - the important thing is: does she agree with him and feel the same? Address this issue with her without making it about her trip to the b-day party. You need to find out how she feels about the situation, not to make her more resentful.

Answer 10

First of all, you cannot give your wife that ultamatem, to choose her family over you, that's not fair, what you should do is ask her to talk to her family and let them know that she doesn't approve of how they are talking about you because you are her husband for better or for worse. She should be happy to do that and not cause problems between you guys and her family instead of intimidating her and demanding a divoce if she doesn't comply. You need to work together. So YES, you should let her go and talk to her family about how they have made you guys feel uncomfortable!