My hate has no truth,
or a reson behind,
My hate will attack,
The next soul he can find.
Whenever I feel,
That hatred is near,
Wy hate will exchange,
Your joy for my tears.
My hate is a deep black,
And poisonous shield,
My hate keeps my broken heart,
Deep under and sealed.
My hatred has left you,
Dead on the floor,
My hatred has taken you,
I can't hate you any more.
2006-09-18 04:47:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
I think it's too sad to think about it.what caused you to write it?
2006-09-18 06:06:58 · answer #1 · answered by jumn 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Strong emotion is always an easy target in poetry, but let's examine the poem not the subject. You write well, as far as rhyming and such, but the poem is mottled in it's scope. First it's active (attack, behind, near, and feel - both speak of physical presence) But then you get equating color and objects. (Black, shield, heart) Last, you go back to the positional references, which is good, but that one in the middle makes it muddy.
Next, you can see that "hate" has been given two distinct presences. "He", and "I"....both in the first stanza. Change the final line to IT instead of "He". \
A note on the layout. instead of making this 4 flat lines, take a page from ee cummings book...offset the second and fourth lines. (to show the layout, I'v eused period, instead of spaces, as spaces are deleted by the java scripting here on Yahoo.)
My hate has no truth,
.....or a reson behind,
My hate will attack,
.....The next soul he can find.
or even reduce it to one line to get the cadence more cemented in the reader's mind and give it a beter "flow".
My hate has no truth or a reson behind,
My hate will attack the next soul it can find.
Whenever I feel that hatred is near,
My hate will exchange your joy for my tears.
My hate is a deep black with poisonous shield,
My hate keeps my heart deep under and sealed.
My hatred has left you dead on the floor,
My heart has the power; I can't hate any more.
Lastly, you can see I changed the final line for a better cadence.
I can't hate any more. or
It can't hate any more.
The ending really was pointed and seemed more stumbling block. If I may, I've suggested a different ending with a better flow. You can always switch it back, but I recommend finding a way over that final cadence stumbling block before you put it "to rest'.
2006-09-18 12:01:25 · answer #2 · answered by Marvinator 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem is a good one..but it's full of hatred in a very strange way..try to find another subject,improve your language,music,and imagery..Go and show us your new works !
2006-09-18 12:27:23 · answer #3 · answered by M.Mourad 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have found an interesting way to dispose of any hate you may feel!! A nice way to express feelings!
2006-09-18 11:52:49 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this is quite good. You could include more imagery to create more of an effect on the reader but overall, its a good poem.
2006-09-18 11:58:13 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first and third quatrains are really deep; it kind of explains the phase i'm in now. I love it. Can i use for my poetry class?
2006-09-18 12:24:36 · answer #6 · answered by annew28 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am hoping that you would soon write poems on more likeable emotions.
2006-09-18 15:04:34 · answer #7 · answered by Trad 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tax dollars at work..
2006-09-18 11:54:50 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should give up writing altogether.
2006-09-18 11:49:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is very sad, did you really write it?
2006-09-18 12:01:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋