how do i stop people taking me for granted?

Question

i'm quite an organised and hard working person and as i can manage my own time etc quite well so i often take on doing things for friends and family as well.

i rarely ask anyone to do anything for me as i've usually done it days in advance anyway, but i have a lot going on in my life right now and the tables are turned. I've asked a couple of people for help but either they are too busy or say yes but then let me down.

4 days ago i asked a friend to do a favour for me which would only take a couple of minutes which they happily agreed to do.
i waited a couple of days and it didn't happen so i mentioned it again (as it needed doing fairly urgently). in one conversation i suggested i could find another way round it if they were too busy but they said no, no they can do it. they never did it.

they called me today and i explained that i am stressed and have too much to do and they said "if there is anything i can do just let me know"! i felt like saying I DID AND YOU DIDN'T!!

Answer 1

You know people will let you do for them as much as you can, without regard for you. There is an old saying, "If you give an inch, they'll take a mile", and that's how a lot of people are. What you might want to start doing is make yourself unavailable for other people's problems. Calling on you to "help" out has become a bad habit for them. Trust me, when you are not able to "help" out, they will find a way to take care of their own business. By making yourself less accessible, this will slowly help you develop some boundaries and then you can decide when & how to truly "help" and when to let them deal with their own situation. You've learned the art of self-sufficiency, it's time they learned the same lesson.

Answer 2

For how much I always suggest to "Just be the bigger person," this is a situation where I would take action. For starters, get that task done by other means and forget the person you asked. When they found out that you handled it already, you have an opening to explain everything that you wrote here....."You needed it done" "You approached them twice." But I would do this without being too mean to them. The couple of time I have promised to do something and the person has taken care of it after I have screwed up, I always feel so bad and subsequently put that person at the top of my priority list the next time they need me. Build favors....don't burn 'em.

Answer 3

When I was ill, I had a couple of friends who called me up every time they went shopping and did mine then came round and hoovered my house for me. Those are friends.

People are so used to you doing for them and being so organised that they dont believe you need help. The problem with someone who always 'does', is that they rarely let others help out. Now you need it people dont really believe that you do and they attach no priority to your needs. I bet they drop everything for the needy person who is always calling them.

You need to sit down and be frank with then - bluntly even the way you voiced this was wishy washy. Say if on the odd ocaision i ask for help I expect to receive it or dont ask me for anything again. That lets them know you expect equal priority from them as you give them. Or next time they ask, say yes dont do it then say now you know what it feels like.

Answer 4

I would have a little heart-to-heart with them... Probably starting with the person I'm closest with first and see what they think about the whole situation. Tell them that you're disappointed and hurt with the current situation. Be careful not to be confrontational though and don't start with putting all the blames on others. Make them listen to you and make sure you listen to them too. If they care for you enough they should realise what pain it's causing you and hopefully change :) Friendship is a two-way thing and if you want to improve it it would need both you and your friends.

Answer 5

Stop doing what people expect of you both friends and famliy say you are to busy and cant do what they have asked you to do. Take the time you need to sort the problems out in your own time dont let them walk over you or take advantage of you.

Answer 6

if they are your "true" friends than they will understand you when you tell them the honest truth about how you feel. If they take you truth into insult than they are not worthy to be you friend. They obviously think its a one sided relationship when its two. If they understand than maybe then, the next time you ask them for help they will actually do it because they know its important to you and they wouldnt want to dissapoint you again.

Answer 7

I know exactly what you mean.. I am treated the same way. Unfortunately it will never change. We like doing things for others, but hate asking for peoples help, cos we know, in teh end, its easier and quicker for us to actually do it. If you do really really really wanna change, then you have to start saying NO... I personally would not want to change, I like ME so guess I will have to just put up with it.

Answer 8

you should have told them "i did but you didn't" as you said in your statment. next time they ask for a favor tell them yeah you'll help out and then don't do it. i know it's hard to do but do unto others as you would have them do to you. just tell them that. you are just a softie and i know where you're coming from. i hate telling people no too and rarely do. and if they ask for a favor i do it right then. i mean after all they did ask me. and i try to treat people how i would want to be treated ... know what i mean? i hope i've helped answer your question to some extent.

Answer 9

Well you know better than to ask that friend again for help. There are different categories of friends... a true friend will drop everything for you to help you out when you need it. Go find one of those!

Answer 10

I'd just call it off with them. Or tell them to be straight up honest about it, because obviously they don't care enough to help you in your time of need.