I have been married for almost 17 years and we have 4 children together. I found out that he was cheating on me for the past year. He moved out about 6 months ago. His reason for cheating was for sex. We have 4 children and they take up most of my time and sex was not a daily thing the past few years. His father died last summer and that is when this all started and I am not sure if that had something to do with it.
He has said that he is not seeing her anymore but he does not live with us and I am not sure if he is telling me the truth. He comes around to visit our children, takes them to practices,games. He is building an addition on to our house too. I asked him why he was doing it and he said that it was to get me back, he tells me he loves me alot,.but I don't know whether I want him back. Our house is so much more relaxed since he left. I do love him, but I am not sure if I love him as a lover anymore or just the father of my children.
Please advice !
2006-09-18 03:36:09 · 25 answers · asked by konfusedkathy2006 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
dont fall for this guy after he CHEATED on u, it seems like after he got wat he wanted from the other lady he came running back to you, dont do this to yourself you deserve better, hes the one that cheated on u and theres no way of telling if hes telling the truth
2006-09-18 03:38:28 · answer #1 · answered by Dana 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Maybe he is really sorry now but a year is a long time. It sounds like he was only with one person? This might be a bad thing to be honest because it may mean it was more than just sex. I don't want to make you feel worse so I'm sorry if I have. Maybe he could live in a spare room for a while? Just for a bit to see how you get on. You have to make it clear though that you won't stand for anything and he will have to expect you to want to know what he's up to. If he lived with you for a bit you might find out in which way you really love him. Ignore all the 12 year old girls on here who will say once a cheat always a cheat and dump him! They have no idea what a real relationship is like. If he's building more on the house he must be serious/care for you alot. I think you need to start your relationship again, right from scratch and don't let things go too fast no matter how tempting. If things go well try and schedule time to be alone without the kids. If there are any relatives they could stay with just once a week this could help. Good luck.
2006-09-18 03:42:40 · answer #2 · answered by claire 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know I'll probably get alot of flack for this, but honey, it truly sounds as if he's sorry. Like he realized the error of his ways and saw the light. Family means more than anything...even sex to most of us and now that he's realized that, he's gonna keep trying. I'm afraid it sounds as though you are just fine with how things are. Quite frankly, I don't blame you. It takes a lot of strength and courage to move on after something like that with four children. I'm not so sure I'd want to risk getting hurt again either. Why not try this.....if you really love him still, date him. You said he's not living at home anymore, so treat him as if he never did. Start all over. I know it's going to be awkward, but this is a man you've known for quite some time. After a few dates, you'll know if he's changed, and you'll also know if you have what it takes to give him the benefit of the doubt and another chance at that "perfect family".
I wish you well honey!
2006-09-18 03:43:22 · answer #3 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is truly a hard one and I'm in a similar situation except that he filed for Divorce.You need to pray about your decision by asking God to speak to your heart in this situation.. He will give you the right answer. Also, withholding SEX is not a good idea, because they tend to find that as an excuse to go out and cheat. Let him have his space, and maybe he is not seeing her right now. He indicated that he LOVES you and that 's the first step for him. What you need to do is sit him down and be open with him about how you feel now that this has happen. Spend a weekend away and see if it's the stress n the house because of you being tired with the kids or the physical attraction has left completely.
2006-09-18 03:44:56 · answer #4 · answered by smoothie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hate to say it, once a cheater, always a cheater. It's just a matter of someone else coming along who's willing to entertain his lifestyle. But if you want closure, hire a private detective to check out his activities. Many PI's offer this service now due to the proliferation of cheating and the devaluation of the sanctity of marriage in current society. Again, he might not be cheating now, but sometime in the future, he may start up. So if you do take him back, the moment he starts acting funny, get the PI so you can sleep at night. Here are some sites that list signs to look for when a spouse is cheating:
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscheating/0,,nt4p,00.html
http://www.pimall.com/NAIS/n.spouse.html
Hope this helps. Stay strong, God bless!
2006-09-18 03:43:44 · answer #5 · answered by Johnny O 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For me, cheating is something that I could not deal with. The trust is broken when someone cheats. I would always be suspicious of his behaviors, like when he's late or doesn't answer the phone. I just couldn't live my life always wondering if he's cheatin again. I also think if they do it once and you let them get away with it, what's stopping them from doing it again? You sound like you might be happier with him out of the picture. You said your house is more relaxed? Ask yourself if you would be happier with or without him? You don't have to take him back because you have children together! You deserve to be happy to. Take some time and think about what you really want. Good Luck!
2006-09-18 03:43:06 · answer #6 · answered by faith 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When someone gives you advice it needs to be they have gone through that themselves. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt, (I have)! I was married for 22 years when my husband told me he had found someone else and he didn't want our children in his way. So he left me with three kids. I was OK about the kids because I knew in my heart I would have won that one in court. If I were in your shoes and I have been, I would never trust him again, because if they did it once then they still do it again. Mine did. Years ago, when our children were 8 months and 4 years old...., he came to me and told me he had been having an affair, but he wanted my blessings (to go ahead and go.) I let him go and he ended coming back to me. I did let him come home and he moved back in with me. Up to this day I wished he stayed away because this time my children were older. We divorced, and he has done the same thing to the woman he left me for. She talked to my daughter and told her what happened. He hurt the children a lot more because they were older and knew everything that was going on. So my best advise is tell him to stay away, and you will get child-support. It will probably help you make it by helping out with the bills. God Bless YOU and your CHILDREN.
2006-09-18 04:44:57 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
not the best after 17 years. I guess u owe it to urself to find out and make sure if u still want to b with him. sounds like hes sorry (not that it makes it any better) Why not keep the same living arrangements, and initially try dating again. Try enjoying each others company again and see what happens. Then theres no pressure, u can see how u feel. Also get counselling so u can both see where u stand and what were the previous issues with ur relationship. He needs to understand that ur a busy mum, He should love u for being a gr8 mum, respect u and try to look after u.
2006-09-18 03:43:41 · answer #8 · answered by nicole 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you took him back, it sounds like the sex thing is still going to be a problem.
Which means that in order for this to work, he is going to have to deal with his infidelity issues, but YOU are going to have to work on your issues as well.
Yes, 4 kids makes mommy tired. Pops needs to do something to lighten your load, but all is for naught if you still don't feel like sex. There had to be something more going on there... after all, you have 4 kids. Sex wasn't an issue at some point.
In this case, you sound like you've already decided that you don't want him as a lover anymore. If you let him back in, he may expect that, so you better make it crystal clear. At least he's still in the kid's lives, so that's a good thing.
It's always sad to see a relationship that's been going for this long to end... but that's what looks to be happening. Stick with the separation for a while, and see if absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If it doesn't, you know what to do.
2006-09-18 03:46:12 · answer #9 · answered by kagetatewaki 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get help. Marital counseling or therapy is the only thing that can help you two to find a solution.
I wouldn't recommend just taking him back when you are so torn about how you feel. I also wouldn't end the relationship after so long without seeing what, if anything, is left worth saving.
Talk to your clergy, a therapist, a physiologist, any professional who has training and/or experience with marital and family problems. I would start with couples therapy, then decide if you want or need individual therapy. If the children are old enough, you may also want to think about family counseling.
2006-09-18 03:43:30 · answer #10 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You shouldnt be making excuses for why your husband cheated. Sex is not everything. He could have waited, or helped you with the 4 kids more. All the money and time he wasted for havin an affair all those months he could have took the time to take you some where to rebuild that fire. Im sure he is sorry,,but you have to decide if you can trust him, if you take him back keep him on a short leash and have him tested for STD's.. good luck
2006-09-18 03:40:21 · answer #11 · answered by blwatson41 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋