Have I cheated?

Question

I have been going out with my partner for a little over 3 years now. I have never been unfaithful to her.
Anyways she is away right now for vacation. While she was away I got chatting one night on yahoo to a old friend I used to chat up years ago, I had not been on yahoo chat for years, anyway she had left me some messages.
We spent the next few days chatting and playing games. One night she wanted to phone, there was no way I was wanting to give home number, incase future she calls etc, so I gave her my mobile. She phoned up and we had a chat for a while. then we had phone sex. Was really good. However I felt slightly guilty afterwards.

Should I bother about this, should I really be guilty. The way I kinda see it is like you can look but you cant touch. Would this be like you can talk but you cant touch.
I know I would not want my partner to do the same with other person.

I just wanted to add, when she is away she knows I watch porn is all ok with this, this is like me actually watching other women etc

If you think about this, at the end of the day I was all on my own. It just made me feel rather guilty afterwards.

I have no intention of cheating for real, I have had more than enough chances, I love and care about her too much.

The other person knew I was in relationship, they are not.

Yeah most of you are correct. I do feel guilty, that is because what I did was wrong. Even though there was no touching etc

I dont think I will ever mention this to anyone again. Nobody has to know.

As for marriage, well we are due to get married in March.

Thanks for all the answers, now to choose the best :) There all really good and helpful, so sorry if its not yours, as I can only choose one.

A lot of you are seriously thinking I should tell her!! I can't do that. Throw away 3 happy years cause of a 30 min phone call. I know I did wrong. I won't tell her though, it would be wrong I feel.

As for the advice I am no longer going to continue talking with this person, actually if I am honest it was going a little deep, as she started to talk about meeting up in December and doing some xmas shopping together. So best left as it is now.

I'm happy this person does not have any of my personal details (not that I think they would be a stalker or anything, you just never know though), no phone number or address, other than my mobile which is ok with me, as I chose to use an older one, and this is going in the bin now.

Thanks for all your advice.

Answer 1

You answered your own question with this statement that you made:
"I know I would not want my partner to do the same with other person."

You did cheat. If my husband ever did this to me I would probably leave him, or leave him for awhile.

There's no such thing as only look, don't touch. It's all cheating. Even if you lust after a woman you have cheated in your heart. It's just as bad. It only takes one more step to complete your cheating.
Phone sex? That's horrible.
How do you think your "partner" would feel if she was listening in on this conversation? How do you think your partner would feel if she read your messages you wrote back and forth?
IT IS CHEATING AND STOP LOOKING FOR RATIONALIZATIONS TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER.

You major messed up, pal.

I suggest that you tell this other whoreish woman that you don't want to have contact with her ever again, that what you two did was a complete mistake, that it meant absolutely nothing to you and never will, and then don't tell your partner about it and never ever ever ever do it again. EVER. If you do, then you have to tell your partner ALL of it, and then offer to leave if she wants you to.

If you have a problem with doing any of the things above, besides the not telling you partner part, then you should not be in this relationship. I desperately hope you are not married, ESPECIALLY if you have kids!!!

Answer 2

As a rough guide, if you do something you know your partner wouldn't be happy about or you wouldn't want your partner to do, then it's definately wrong. You have allowed another woman into your relationship (which by the way is what you do when you watch porn too) and that can only damage it. Look at how bad you feel now, that's a good indication of the damage that is caused when people start messing about.
Change your mobile number and never have anything more to do with this girl from your past, that's the only way to deal with this.

Answer 3

You answered your own question in your last sentence. A person should not do what they would not want their partner to do. I feel that phone sex or cybersex is cheating just as much as actually performing physically. You are experiencing the same feelings that you would if you were actually together. Since she is not your partner, you shouldn't have desired to have any kind of sex with your old friend! You said that it was really good. I think that you are not ready to remain faithful to your present partner. Sounds like you're faithful to your partner only when she is around. Maybe you should do some serious thinking about your relationship.

Answer 4

Yes I can tell that you are not comfortable and would not want your partner to have the same encounter. I think you should tell your partner because it happened and honesty is very important. You already know it was wrong but it needs to be discussed. If you keep giving yourself permission to open the cookie jar eventually the cookies will get eaten if you get what I am saying.
I would next time have phone sex with my partner.
I don't consider what you have done cheating physically but emotionally! I think you need to discuss this you also don't want your partner to answer a call or see the cellphone record of the conversation, once she catches you doing this if you don't tell her first she may not trust you at all. Good luck!

Answer 5

If u feel guilty then it means u have done something u felt u shouldn't have done in the first place. Personally I would consider it cheating as it didn't just stop with internet chatting but proceeded to phone sex. If u don't want your partner doing the same thing then do the fair thing and cut all ties to this other person at once.

Answer 6

the general consensus is that you did cheat, an what's worse is that ,that is probably the way your fiancee will see it too. she is likely to see it as a betrayal , which will take some convincing to get over.

personally i think that you did that as a safe option , because you cannot be crucified for actually doing the deed. what i wonder is, why you need the attention of another woman. also that she is not a stranger , confuses me . I wonder if it was just a bit of reminiscing which got out of hand, or whether you just don't like the idea of sex. with a stranger, in which case , you are a little redeemed in my books anyway.

we all make some mistakes, and it is said that they should be seen as learning curves. don't be too hard on yourself, because as someone about to get married , i think it is common, for men in particular ,to wonder over what the next years will bring in a sexual context., which can subconsciously lead to a bit of playing the field.

Answer 7

You did the wrong thing/said the wrong thing and led this skank right up the garden path and now you are feeling guilty.Most of the people who have answered your question feel the same,you cheated.So yeah,you go on feeling guilty...and when your g/f gets home,you tell her,because she WILL find your cell ph eventually,and if you haven't told her what happened whilst she was away,it will only be a matter of time before she finds out,and then......!?!Be a man,own up,do the right thing.If you know your partner wouldn't do this,and you wouldn't like it,why should you?

Answer 8

I don't know maybe you felt she would be seeing other people on vacation. It's hard to tell what your motive is on this; but I really believe you are just feeling lonely and excluded right now. You are trying to figure out a way to make what you did seem right because you feel guilty. My advise would be not to do it again. Hope and pray she don't ever find out and never tell her. She may be doing something similair to you even now. Some woman want to get married and if she has been waiting for you to ask her she could be looking for another partner after 3 years. She could possibly be using the vacation to get away and date. Could it be possible that you did this because you felt she was being untrue to you while on vacation?

Answer 9

If she knows your taken, and only is chatting, then you didn't cheat. If she thinks your single, and looking for a little more than a friendship, and your leading her on, your cheating.

If you feel guilty, then you must be leading her on, otherwise what do you have to feel guilty about?

For those who gave me thumbs down, I guess men aren't suppose to speak to women at all once they're married. I disagree. I think if you can talk to women as friends, and be 100% faithful to your wife, that means your so committed to your wife that nothing will make you cheat. Not even a great conversation with an attractive woman. Because you already have great conversations with an attractive woman which is your wife and you don't need or want anyone else, but you will be polite and have conversation.

I wounld't have done what he did, I would have let the girl call my home if she knew I was married and happy and we can only be friends, and my wife would know all about it because she knows I would never cheat. But the asker was afraid to have her call home, and only had her call the cell. And he feels guilty. Thats signs of not only cheating, but he has a relationship with his wife were they hide stuff from each other. We don't hide anything.

But thats just me. More thumbs down please.

Answer 10

You already know the answer to this one and that is why you are feeling guilty. You reached out to a real live person that you have known for sexual pleasure and release. You cheated. Your partner knowing that you watch porn is different. There is a big difference between looking at Jenna Jameson and getting off and calling her on the phone and having her get you off. Another live person who was not your girlfriend was involved... it is cheating.