An Angel stole my heart
The sublimes creature full of fire
Through grace I fell in love with Her
Her kiss is much more than my soul could endure.
Her pale lips on mine
I feel in fathomless love
She is the darkness in my eyes
Her flawless visage compels
My lovelorn sole is mended
My arms are swathing her body
We will never be torn apart
2006-09-17 20:40:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
It seems very heartfelt and earnest. It has technical problems.
In the eighth line, be aware that "compels" is usually a transitive verb, as in "compels obedience" or "compels me to act." It reads as if you're going to attempt enjambment ("her flawless visage compels my lovelorn sole"), but you don't. Just a bit jarring. Also, you've misspelled "soul," unless you do indeed mean something about fish or shoes.
Your poem has only one punctuation mark.
I'm not really interested in enumerating your mechanical/technical issues. It's a good poem for what it is; I've seen much worse posted here. Just be aware that it comes off as a little naive and unsophisticated.
2006-09-17 20:44:11 · answer #1 · answered by Drew 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
if thats about your girlfriend then hell shes one lucky girl to have a guy who has feelings for her like that. i luv your poem!!!!!! its sooo cute and you seem like a caring guy to write something like that! keep up the good work and if thats about your girlfriend then sms/email/read/print out and give it to her because she will be over the moon for weeks.
2006-09-17 20:44:30 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
looks like love is in the air kiddo
2006-09-17 23:43:29 · answer #3 · answered by The Lioness 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very nice! Keep writing.
2006-09-17 21:19:46 · answer #4 · answered by Karla R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hmmmmmmm ihave nothing to say but u are perfect.u have a great future.u are romantic.u are the next SHAKE.S
2006-09-17 20:49:18 · answer #5 · answered by rich love 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just another amateur attempt at creating something special but failing miserably.....
2006-09-17 20:52:22 · answer #6 · answered by methamphetamine_symposium 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yeah man this is a beautiful poem...and it's not just like 'aaaaaw..i m a sensitive female and i m feeling this poem and that's y i m gonna tell him it's so cute cause he probably wrote it for his gf'....it is a great POEM!!! creative....good job...
2006-09-17 20:51:54 · answer #7 · answered by jjj 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you write these verses?
Beautiful.
"She is the darkness in my eyes"
LIGHT
2006-09-17 20:50:34 · answer #8 · answered by tatal_nostru2006 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thats nice,,,sounds like someone in love,,,lol
2006-09-17 20:42:20 · answer #9 · answered by Sweetpea 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
if i don't have a husband, i'll ask you to be my boyfriend..:) so sweet of you to write that nice poem for your girlfriend. best wishes on you relationship.. keep on writing good poems...:)
2006-09-17 20:51:26 · answer #10 · answered by sheng 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋