she has lived with her mother for many years, her mother doesn't want to hear anything about her lifestyle. when we are together it's only when her mother is doing something else. she had an older sister that died in her early 20's leaving 2 young daughters. i have a feeling there is some guilt that she isn't "perfect" like her older sister is now thought to be. so our relationship is always on the back burner to whatever her immediate family has going on. what makes this harder is that she is a truck driver and is only home a few days a month. i see the possibility of a good future with this girl but the family issue is really quit serious. at this time i have told her that i know she can't see me as a member of her family and never will as long as her mother feels as she does and she won't stand up for me to her mother. i am ready to throw in the towel but my heart is breaking since i've realized she won't stand up for me to her mother. can someone help me understand?
2006-09-17 17:53:40 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out how long you are willing to sit back and be second class. If you are truly in love with one another, nobody should be able to make her ashamed of who she is and who you are as a couple.
Bottom line, you have to be willing to stand up for yourself, its clear she never will.
I say cut your losses and find someone who will value you as much as you deserve.
How can you see a good future with this person who isn't even willing to make you the #1 priority in her life?
Don't you think you deserve that?
2006-09-17 18:33:23 · answer #1 · answered by jmlmmlmll 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After two years it should be evident that she has her priorities, and you are not first.
Not being first is frequently the case when a woman has children and is just something you either accept or move on. In you case you are not sounding like second.
There is absolutely no reason not to love this woman, but you cannot expect anything to change so you can either move on, or accept that you will always be on the sidelines of her life.
She apparently has other issues over her sister's death, until she deals with those issues, even her dead sister will stand between the two of you.
The real question here is what do you want? If you want more than this woman is willing to give at this point, you owe it to yourself to move on.
If nothing else matters to you than her, your only option is to accept being the sometimes lover behind the curtain.. and don't be terribly surprised if in the end she ends up not respecting you for not standing up for what you wanted in your life.
Then again, she may one day be grateful you hung in there with her... until all her relatives were dead, but don't expect even then to come first to her.. since already a dead sister comes ahead of you.
2006-09-18 01:12:11 · answer #2 · answered by Silvatungfox 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you said she's only home a few days out of the month! And you've been with her for two years? I couldn't hang with that! Girl your not quite a young chicken anymore, I wouldn't waste my time and find me someone else! But if you both really love each other then why not truck drive with her, that way your both always together and away from her family!!! If she doesn't want that i would call it quits and let her see what she has lost! If she truly loves you she'll then make changes! good luck!
2006-09-18 08:49:20 · answer #3 · answered by fairyjin1971 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All you can do is sit back and wait. You won't get the answer you want by forcing her to decide between you and her Mom and you know this.
This is a horrible thing to say but if she is in her 40's Mom must not have too much time left anyway. (just kidding)
But seriously..... You would be much more useful to her as a support system then a stress factor, right?
If she is the one you want then you are the one that has to make sacrifices at this point. Is she really worth the time and heartache? Only you can answer that for yourself.
Good luck.
2006-09-18 12:49:07 · answer #4 · answered by crystlizm 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
clearly she's afraid her family will not want anything to do with her...so she puts you on the back burner and puts her family first...you as a person deserve better then that you shouldn't come second you should come first especially if you've been together for 2 years now...the best advice is to tell her you want more from her...you want a full commit or nothing at all..then you'll see exactly what she's looking for from you..
2006-09-18 01:01:56 · answer #5 · answered by chew 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, I hear you loud and clear.
My partner, who I have been with for ten years has only ever come out to her mother. Upon hearing this, her mother made her promise to never tell her father or brother.
Because of this she and I live several states away from her family. She loves her family very much, but they manipulate her every time she goes to visit with them. Her father tries to persuade her to move out there by promising to build her a house, a good paying job, paying for continuing education, he's even parceled the property and put the other share in my partner's name in hopes to lure her to move back home.
This hurts beyond anything I can convey. And every time she goes out to visit, when she returns she tells me of his attempts and what he has promised her in return.
I feel as if I'm second best to her family, I can't compete with those promises and sometimes fear one of his promises will too good to ignore.
Granted, we've been together for ten years now. You'ld think I wouldn't worry about her just leaving all we've built together. But I have to admit, I'm human and I can't NOT worry.
2006-09-18 01:53:32 · answer #6 · answered by DEATH 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its hard to chose between lovers and family..if you love her maybe you should under stand that her mother will die soon or later..yes thats mean but sometimes its for the best..she feels she is the only thing her mother has and she may feel a sense of duty to her mother.she hasnt stood up to her own mother for 40 year she isnt going to now..you have to under stand your never going to be family you two can have a child together..there will never be a bonding of blood.if love her then deal with it..
2006-09-19 10:07:05 · answer #7 · answered by Kingofreportedabuse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In her early 40's she has to make a stance and create her own family...she can stay where she is...looks like she feels pretty safe the way things are...It's really up to her to make a choice......I hope this works for you but I don't know. Her mother sounds very selfish in not allowing her daughter to have her own life...you can tell her I said so........
2006-09-18 02:08:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl i'm sorta' in the same situation-except it's with my g/f's kids.
We have been together for almost 4 years,and her kids will not let us be happy,i am not first in her life and i know it even though i love her very much. I don't mind being second sometimes-but not all the time.I try to have alot of patience with her kids-but sometimes it's almost impossible!As far as our family-everyone is cool with us!
2006-09-18 20:47:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are to mature to have this kind of teen problems. Your girl should realize that if her family really love and respect her they won't compare her or try to make out of her something she is not. It is up to her to give you your place in front of her family. If she does not value you , you should do more for yourself .Chances are if she doesn't stand up for herself she won't do it for you neither. you need to find your own happiness
2006-09-18 01:19:47 · answer #10 · answered by maritzared 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋