Is divorce the only answer?

Question

I want to keep kids in their home enviroment and in their schools(priviate)..I am willing to put my life on hold..a bit for that. He says now that he wants the big D to move on..there my be a women behind this. We live in same house and are separated..we have ever other week with one of us being in charge of house and kids..that leaves the other person free to do whatever he/she wants. Dating is fine but we do not flaunt it..do go out in our area stuff like that..is this too weird? Is anyone else living like this? Had long talk with the kids about 2 months back to bring them up to speed...its been about a year of living this way..him in basement me upstairs..I could do this forever. If I met someone I tell him everything asap..some dont get it and leave one or two have stayed and am currently datting them..they either have been in same situation or just plain understand putting your children first. What do you think..expecially if you have been here or are here.

Answer 1

I have been divorce and my parents were divorce but all I can say is if it working out then its fine, but from the child's point of view, they may think there is hope between you and your ex, they may not tell you but as long as there father is in the house they believe you and he may get back together. So in the long run, this may hurt your children instead of help.

Answer 2

I think you are doing the right thing.

What the kids go through in a divorce is indeed a form of trauma. Just watch the Parent Trap, lol.

Seriously, you two sound kind of reasonable -- would you consider counseling?
My guess is that either one or both of you are not meeting the others needs and so the hunt for some kind of ... satisfaction(?) is happening.

And, really, what is the point of finding a replacement so soon. It only gratifies your need for acceptance and is probably on some level a competition. Take the high road and just wait for it to play out. You are right, the kids come first. Send them a positive message.

This level of compromise must be applauded. And, I urge you as a rational human being to consider making this marriage work. There is hope if you both will do this much and not slam the door and march out.

And ... if it doesn't work out -- call me! You sound pretty wonderful.

Answer 3

i think you'll never resolve anything living in the same house.Been there done that. Your children see everything that goes on trust me on this one. I think you are using the kids as and excuse not to move on with your life, to hold on to something that just isn't there anymore between you and your husband. He can move out and see the kids when ever he wants. You keep the house because I would guess the kids would stay with you and he can continue to help pay for the needs of the children. That takes care of the environment thing and thier schooling. Stop fooling yourself.

Answer 4

Sounds like a complicated situation. But, if its working for you why end it? Its obviously not working for him anymore. I think you should take what's yours and be on your way. You'd be surprised at what your children understand and what they would rather have. I would imagine that they are somewhat confused by the living situation. Probably they have that secret hope that mom and dad with figure this out and be together again. Maybe it would be best for EVERYONE if you moved out and found your own way. That way your children will have a clear picture on where you each stand. Please be sure not to talk to your kids in a negative way about your husband. My mother did that and it backfired on her. Plus your children should not have to deal with your grown up problems. I think Dr. Phil says, "Children would rather come from a broken home than a home that is broken." I am taking that to mean that living with angst and problems is worse than living where you both are happy separately. Good luck.

Answer 5

Your current arrangements, although sounds weird, would like fine, easy and flexible to both of you. But only upto a certain point - until the kids start to realise and feel the impact of what's really happening around them. Remember kids will not remain kids forever. You need to seriously think about a permanent solution asap and ensure the well being of your kids in the long run.

Answer 6

I have been the child in a similar situation. Are you putting your children first or are you hurting them? You and your husband need to get on with your lives even if that means divorce. You are not sparing your children from harm living this way as much as you are causing them harm. It may not show now but believe me the effects on them will be there in the long run.

Answer 7

I think you are confusing the heck out of your kids and doing them a great disservice. You both are separated but still living under the same roof and dating other people? Huh???? Make the break clear and clean. Separate physically and get a divorce. You can share custody of the kids. They will understand and will cope better than you think.

Answer 8

Hon, you think you're putting your kids first, but you're not. Kids aren't stupid, they know what's going on and they are no doubt confused and miserable. Make your decisions and get on with your life. This is a really BAD situation for children. What happens now, they carry forever. You can't "bring them up to speed". They're just kids.

Answer 9

Children should always be first, but I would not date any one while living together.
That's not putting the children first, that's wrong and confusing to the children.
You both loved each other at one point and he is still living in the house.
Believe me if he was head over heels with a woman, he would of have left.

Answer 10

One of you is just to cheap\scared to move on so you stay to watch each other.Sooner or later your going to hurt the kids,so why don't you put the kids first and move out and have a stable life.