My husband confided in his mom some things that were very personal , our child was molested- . It was then told to most of the family members who got - not even the correct story about it --, the worst thing is- the whole story was blown up bigger than it really was- (example) all of our children were molested . I was extremely upset at my mother in law- she has always played the power trip thing with me- always making my husband choose between his loyalty to his mom or me his wife- this has been happening for 5 yrs but out of respect for her - I have never put him in a place to choose between us- although I have asked him to at least stand up for me and us being a family- but he nver wants to hurt her feelings - saying he owes so much to her- you are supposed to be able to go to mom for support-- she has said sorry to him - he thinks that is enough and to let it go -she is mad because I am not ready to talk to her yet- my husband says he is in the middle now mom VS. wife- HELP!
2006-09-17 17:11:57 · 9 answers · asked by lilRed 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
another way that she has created stress is playing the control card-"who is more important" game--for example - this past father's day I had planned a surprise dinner that me and our 3 kids were gonna make- dessert and everything- the kids were excited- and he knew we were doing something special for him-- but night before father's day she calls and says we need to come to her house because she is fixing a father's day dinner for my husband. She did not call and check ahead if I had any plans- she just informed us of the plans she had made- and when he told her me and the kids had something planned- she played the quilt card on him-- I tried to compramise and tell him to go and we just just move our plans a couple hrs later and I then became the bad guy-- and my husband went over regardless of our plans-- I told him then this was the last time my feelings take second to his mom's . But here we are again!!!! I think we need to seperate for a while because I am bitter
2006-09-18 04:11:40 · update #1
First, you and your husband need to be on the same page. Don't worry about your mother-in-law right now - worry about your husband. You and he need to sit down and talk about what this is doing to your marriage, and how it will affect your kids. Get outside counseling, if possible. Talk to your minister/priest, or even better, a trained marriage counselor. He needs to understand that by not hurting her feelings, he's hurting yours. You need to understand that the relationship between a parent and a child is very complicated, and changing it takes a lot of work.
Once you and your husband can talk about this and make decisions you can stick to, then move on to how you will deal with your mother-in-law. You have to decide TOGETHER what boundaries you want to put on her, but he has to take point on it. You can talk to her until you're blue in the face, but it will have no real meaning to her until she hears it from him. Finally, just like with children, if you tell her that her actions will have consequences, then don't follow through, it means nothing. If your husband tells her that she cannot act like this, and then drops family plans to go to her house on command, she has no reason to change.
2006-09-18 07:14:34 · answer #1 · answered by swbiblio 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, when your husband said "I do", he promised to take care of you. Right now, he is not doing that. He needs to be straight with his mom and let her know how you both feel. He also needs to quit being such a mamma's boy and man up. I was once the child in your family, and believe me, it was a hard time for everyone, but especially for my parents. If something like that would have happened to us during that time, my dad would have put a stop to that. Its hard enough as it is, and she is just making it worse. When you get married, it's about you and your spouse. Not the mother in law. I get along great with my hubbys family, becuz they are very discreet, when asked to do so. Let this be a lesson for life,... dont confide in her again. She will make it worse.
2006-09-17 17:19:23 · answer #2 · answered by Photographer 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I can understand that your husband feels that he owes her allot, however he is a grown man, married and a father. He needs to put his family first (you and your children). He needs to stand up for you and realize what his mother is doing. I mean come on telling others what was told to her in confidence. Your child being molested is not something that your child will want anyone to know. She could cause major damage to your child and that is not something that is easily forgivable. Maybe separating will make him snap to reality.
2006-09-18 16:56:01 · answer #3 · answered by Desiree S 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have EVERY right to be angry, this is your child and her gossiping for sympathy is completly unacceptable.
Sit down with her and tell her exactly how you feel (calmly!) That this is your family and she needs to respect you and your privacy.
Your husband should have put his foot down with his mother a long time ago. He needs to stand up and be a man, think of the effect that this gossiping is having on your child. This is already enough for them to go through and everything possible needs to be done to support help that child.
2006-09-17 17:20:23 · answer #4 · answered by chairkiss_silver 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm afraid if you don't communicate your hurt to your husband, your resentment will grow deeper. He should be in the middle when it comes to dealing with his mother. He must either be able to control his mother, or dramatically dial down his relationship with her. She is not your responsibility.
Professional counseling could help him in dealing with guilt issues with his mother and grow into a more adult and mature understanding of the importance of setting boundaries to protect the marriage relationship. You could find more support for your position by taping some Dr. Phil shows that deal with this very issue.
2006-09-17 17:40:55 · answer #5 · answered by gardenpartygirl 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Have a nice talk with her about her actions and let her know how what she is doing affects you and your family. You are supposed to be able to go to your mom for support, but if she isn't being supportive then stop.
2006-09-17 17:14:33 · answer #6 · answered by Justsyd 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Try to get job transfwers away from this tattle-telling mother in law.
Since her son, your husband, still feels loyal to her, it isn't going to work to your advantage to shun her. That's a good reason to move a good distance away.
Have you thought about telling her a PHONY, RIDICULOUS story that is so salacious she'll blab and prattle about it and make a fool out of herself? This works like a charm if you're cunning and ruthless enough to feed her the appropriate misinformation.
2006-09-17 17:16:24 · answer #7 · answered by urbancoyote 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
make sure she doesnt know anything else,dont tell him anything either.he needs to stand up for you and i think you are right not talking to her its none of her business.
2006-09-17 19:26:45 · answer #8 · answered by nanny2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's your own fault for telling her,next time keep your business to yourselves.
2006-09-17 17:14:36 · answer #9 · answered by master_der_man 6 · 0⤊ 4⤋